It was late in the evening and there I lay in the hospital bed. I would’ve never imagined that I would be having open-heart surgery the next day. But there I lay, waiting…thinking…praying. As my bare feet hit the cold floor, I walked over to the window seal and tried to exist in the silence. Although worry was occasionally shouting in my ear, for the most part, there was a calm peace surrounding me that evening. It was dark. All I could see were streetlights and the brightness extending through the windows of nearby buildings. But unlike earlier that week, it was quiet. There weren’t 15 doctors and nurses coming in my room to ask a dozen questions or run any more tests. It was just me and God.
Earlier that week, a pretty intense conversation was had with a specialist regarding how the outcome of the surgery could affect my fertility. What he didn’t know is that as a cancer survivor that is a speech I had heard my entire life. But hearing the news again was just as painful as hearing it the first time. When he left the door shut loudly, but I’m confident it didn’t disguise the sound my lungs made as I exhaled heavily and my tears drowned the bleach white pillow that was sitting on my lap. I drove my face forward into the darkness and closed my eyes. I wept, yelled and asked God, “why?”
As I sat there, a similar conversation that was had 7 years prior came flooding into my mind. I was sitting in a similar hospital bed, looking out a similar window, completely devastated over the news shared with me by my surgeon. As a 15 year old, I should’ve been worried about my upcoming geography and algebra tests, but instead I was forced to come to terms with the gravity of my fertility. In that moment, although overwhelmed by the news, that young high school girl started thinking about adoption. God was painting a masterpiece. And although I didn’t quite understand the movements of His brushstrokes, I can see how He was preparing my heart for something more beautiful than my mind could comprehend. Shortly after my tears hit the pillow, an overwhelming peace whispered through my entire body and it was as if God was displaying a video reel of His faithfulness and grace in my life. I knew that regardless of the outcome my heavenly Father was with me and He was my hope and source of strength.
10 months after a successful open-heart surgery I met my husband in a corner booth at Panera on a blind date. We were married in an old church in his hometown about a year and half later and moved to Louisville where he attended seminary. Adoption frequently entered our conversations during our engagement and as we began talking about wanting to grow our little family. A few years after we were married, a positive pregnancy test took us by complete surprise! But tragedy seemed to strike as quickly as the news had come in. Only a few weeks after receiving the news that I was pregnant, I miscarried. Even in our pain, we could feel His presence. It was difficult to trust God in the darkness. It still is sometimes. But, even then, we trusted He had a plan. He had not brought us this far to leave us on our own.
Through the cancer, infertility and miscarriage, adoption continued coming up in conversations with my husband and I. Then, we started praying about when the Lord would have us begin the adoption process. God stepped in and provided clarity and confirmation through a variety of circumstances and conversations. When we made the decision to move forward with growing our family through adoption we were extremely excited! As we began researching our options we realized there was so much about the process that we were completely clueless about! After speaking with a few friends, we chose to work with Christian Adoption Consultants (CAC). I tell everyone that working with CAC was by far the easiest and best decision we made in our adoption journey! We signed on with our consultant in March and brought home our twins that summer. We remain forever grateful to the twin’s birth mama for choosing us to be their parents and for the role that CAC played in our journey.
As I was snuggling Ruby to sleep the other night, she fell asleep with her hand on my chest. Her sweet little hand rested on my scar. It’s amazing to have daily reminders of the Lord’s faithfulness to me-to us. Thinking back to the journey that led us to adoption and now rocking our two little miracles to bed every night; my heart finds assurance in knowing that God used each and every circumstance to lead us to where we are today.
For those of you in the trenches: do not lose hope. Your Father is very present and near. He is writing your story. Your tears are not wasted. Trust that the Creator who crafted the entire world into existence with only His words, is creating something beautiful in you even when you can’t quite follow his brush strokes. One day you will better understand and be able to look back and see what I see when I look down at my babies, “Great is Thy faithfulness.”
***If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and check out Christian Adoption Consultants for more information!***