Why Do Birth Mothers Choose Adoption?

My son charges at me from across the room and jumps into my lap, bear-hugging me with his arms gripped tightly around my neck, almost knocking me over, all while giggling hysterically. My daughter hears a good beat and instantly begins busting some moves as if she knows the song like the back of her hand, belly laughing so hard that she falls over—only to get up and do it all again. As I sit back and look at our beautiful children, my heart beams with pride and gratefulness. They are bright little lights in this world, so full of joy, and they've filled our hearts and home to the brim. I love being their mama.

But in these heightened moments of joy and laughter, I can’t help but think of their birth mama and the brave decision she made in choosing adoption. It wasn’t just a brave decision—it was the most difficult and heart-wrenching decision of her life. And while I completely understand why people use the word “beautiful” to describe adoption, I also know it’s deeply complex. Adoption can’t be summed up in one word or phrase. It’s full of juxtapositions and tensions, where beauty and brokenness coexist.

Reasons Birth Mothers Choose Adoption

Every birth mother’s story is unique, but there are common themes that shape their decision. These reasons reflect the deep love and selflessness behind one of the most difficult decisions a mother can make:

  1. Desire for a Better Future
    Many birth mothers choose adoption because they want to provide their child with a life they may not be able to offer at the time. Adoption can be a way to ensure their child has opportunities for a bright and secure future.

  2. Current Life Circumstances
    Life circumstances often play a significant role. Birth mothers may find themselves in situations where they feel unprepared or unable to raise a child, whether due to financial struggles, lack of support, or other challenges. In these cases, adoption becomes the best way to give the child the care and stability they need.

  3. Love and Selflessness
    Adoption is a decision rooted in deep love and selflessness. Birth mothers make this choice because they want the best for their child, even when it means enduring their own pain and loss. It’s a reflection of unconditional love and a belief that adoption is the most loving path forward.

  4. Wanting a Stable Family Environment
    Some birth mothers choose adoption because they want their child to grow up in a stable household or with a family that can provide a strong support system. They desire a home where the child will experience consistent love, attention, and guidance as they grow.

  5. Considering the Child’s Well-Being
    Above all, the decision revolves around what the birth mother believes is best for her child. Whether it’s ensuring a stable environment, access to necessary resources, or a chance to thrive in ways she may not currently be able to provide, the child’s well-being is at the heart of every choice.

The Complexity of Loss and Love

Sometimes, as I rock my children to sleep, I think about their birth mama. My son will look up at me with his beautiful big brown eyes, and I’m overwhelmed by the full weight of the adoption triad. Her greatest loss made me a mama. My arms are full while hers are empty. My house is filled with the sights and sounds of children running, babbling, and laughing uncontrollably, while her house is quiet.

The loss a birth mother experiences is profound. Imagine walking out of the hospital without the baby you carried for nine months. You come home to a quiet house, with no midnight cries, no lullabies to sing, and no tiny hand to hold. The stretch marks and scars from pregnancy remain, but they pale in comparison to the scars on her heart. Even if a birth mother finds peace in her decision, it doesn’t negate the pain and feelings of emptiness that come with her loss.

Honoring Birth Mothers

Adoption is more than a brave decision. It’s an act of profound love that entails great sacrifice. The grieving process for birth mothers is complex, ongoing, and lifelong. These women deserve our utmost love, prayers, and respect. They’ve given adoptive families a piece of their heart—one they are entrusting us with forever.

In a perfect world, adoption wouldn’t exist. But we live in a world marked by brokenness, where beauty can rise from the ashes of pain. Adoption is filled with complexities and contradictions, joy and sorrow, loss and gain. As adoptive parents, it’s our responsibility to honor the birth mothers who make this decision, acknowledging both their sacrifice and their love.

So why do birth mothers choose adoption? It’s not because they don’t care—it’s because they care deeply. They want the best for their child, even if it comes at great personal cost. And that is a love worth honoring.