Adoptive Mother's Thoughts On An Open Adoption: The More Love The Better
When Roman grins at me with his handsome brown eyes and big dimples, I see glimpses of his beautiful birth mother. When Ruby skips across the room in her princess dress with her beads clicking and clacking, making music as they hit each other, I think back to a 30 year old picture her birth mother sent me of herself when she was a little girl and I see Ruby in it. When Roman gets close to me, puts his hands on my face and presses his nose against mine as he says, "Nosey nosey kisses mama," I'm reminded, "That's our thing. I taught him that." When Ruby runs across the room and nearly squeezes my leg off as she says, "You're my favorite girl" I think of how many times she must have heard me tell her that.
See, our children have two mothers-their birth mother, the woman who carried them for 9 months and birthed them into this world. The woman who loved/loves them so much that she placed them in the arms of another because at the time she felt that she could not provide the life she wanted them to have. The woman who calls to check-in and see how they are doing-how we are doing. The woman who delights in pictures of the twins, updates, Facetime calls, and artwork made by her son and daughter. And they have me-the mother who has loved them and taken care of them everyday from the moment they were lovingly placed in my arms by their birth mother.
We’ve explained the twin's adoption story to them since they were itty bitty. We wanted them to know their story. We wanted them to know about the amazing woman who gave them life and loves them so much. Why? Because the more love the better. There is always room for more love. Our family didn't just grow by two when we adopted the twins, it grew by a lot more. Their birth family has become an extension of our family. We love them. We talk about them. The twins know them by name. There's a family picture of them hanging on our wall. They are family.
The other day Roman was asking me questions about his birth mother. He said, "So, I have two moms?" And I said, "Yes." Prior to starting the adoption process I never thought I would answer a question that way. But it's the truth. And confirming that my son and daughter have two mothers, does not in any way take away from the substance of our relationship. It makes it stronger. Because there is strength in unity. There is strength in truth.
"Do you have two mommies like me and sissy?" Roman asked. I should have known this question was coming. Roman makes quick connections.
Me: "No, I don't. But you know what? Daddy does."
Roman: "He does?"
Me: "Yes. Mims (what they call my husband's mother) is his mommy. But he grew in another mommy's belly."
Roman: "Like I grew in my birth mother's belly?"
Me: "Yes."
Roman: "Have I met her?"
Me: "No, you haven't. She had a boo boo when daddy was a little boy and she died. She's in heaven with Jesus now. But she loved your daddy so very much."
Roman: "Like Mims loves Daddy and me and sissy?"
Me: "Yes. Just like that."
Roman: "I wish I could know her."
Me: "Oh, me too Bubby."
Roman: "So we and daddy both have two mothers."
Me: "Yes."
Roman: "And they love us very much?" (He asks this question with a big smile on his face)
Me: "So much.”