Guest Post: What If My Adoption Journey Looks Different Than I Thought It Would?

Natalie lives in Pennsylvania with her husband, Darren, and their two children, Sophie and Levi. Natalie is a teacher and Darren is a police officer. They spend their time together raising sheep, pigs and chickens (plus numerous other creatures that reside on the farm) and watching the kids ride their horses. 

A few years ago, God called me to mission work. Literally, with a billboard. (That's a story for another day). I traveled to a children’s home in Guatemala for the first time. The next year, I went back. I knew God wanted me to get our church family excited and more involved in mission work. I thought that was it. I did what God asked of me. However, I quickly learned that God’s work is never done, and He was just getting started with me. 

About a week after I returned home from my second Guatemala trip, I felt a tug toward adoption. Everything in my path was about adoption. I simply could not get it out of my mind. One Sunday, our pastor preached about adoption, even though the topic in the bulletin was listed as something else. A friend came up to me and said, "That was a weird sermon." Weird for her, maybe. But I knew it was for me.

On Thursday of that week, I was doing a devotional entitled, "Discerning God's Voice." After studying, I prayed to God. I asked Him simply for a clear answer. He knows how stubborn I can be. I prayed, “God, if this is something you want for our family, you are going to have to be LOUD and CLEAR.”  

The moment I asked for that discernment, my phone rang. It was an agency calling that I had reached out to previously, to see if they could help me on my adoption journey. With tears in my eyes, I knew this was God calling. I knew our life was about to change. My husband Darren, and our two kids, Sophie and Levi, were on board and excited about adding to our family. 

In the summer of 2018 we were matched with a brave expecting mother who was due to have a baby boy at the end of October. She chose our family to raise him. We were over the moon excited! We couldn’t wait to add this little boy into our lives, but also his courageous mama too.  

A few months later we learned that the baby was born early, and a family member stepped in and would be taking him home. Shattered. Broken. This was a complete shock to everyone. Although we were grateful he was able to stay close to his mother, there is a distinctive pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes. We felt like he was ours already. His nursery was ready, waiting for him. I had already packed his hospital bag and it was waiting by the door. We were absolutely devastated. But we always knew this would be a possibility in our journey. We took some time to heal before moving forward.

After our failed adoption, we kept presenting to other situations. We heard the words, “I’m sorry, she chose another family” more times than we could keep track of. To this day, I have a list of each expecting mama’s name so I could continue praying for them. But the journey became exhausting, and I began to question if I misheard God’s desire for our family. 

In June of the next year we were chosen by an expecting mother of twin boys! We were over the moon excited! Things were falling into place. We started to have phone conversations with this woman. She said she wanted us to be a family and hoped for an open adoption. We were thrilled! Our bond with her continued to strengthen and grow. At the end of summer, we flew to Arizona to meet her and accompany her to a doctor’s appointment.

When we returned home we received a call from the agency. The baby boys were here, and the mama had decided to parent. We were devastated. Darren and I were so heartbroken and angry. No, I did not carry these two boys in my womb, but they grew in our heart. We had their names picked out, our bags packed, and we were ready to go when we got the call. Sophie and Levi were ready to be a big sister and big brother. 

As hurt and confused as I was, I rested in God's embrace. God promised to never leave me, and He promised to be close when I'm hurting. I knew he would renew my strength and meet my needs. I wrote the following in my journal that day, “I do not understand His plan right now, but that's okay. Will we continue on our adoption journey and try again? I don't know that either. I do know that I will pray for this woman. If my purpose was to stand in the trenches and pray for her these last few months, then I am okay with that.”

Once the dust settled, we had a decision to make. We were mentally and emotionally drained at this point. I felt like I was not being a good wife or a good mother to my two children. Our finances had taken a major hit. After much prayer, sadly, we decided to end our adoption journey.

I felt like a failure. As if I had given up on what God had asked us to do. But, we serve a God of understanding, mercy and grace. I suddenly had an enormous peace about our decision. We said we would never completely shut the door. If there was a child in need, we would open our hearts and our home. 

When I was trying to make sense of everything, my husband felt that maybe God just wanted to know that we trusted Him. Darren did not get that audible or visual calling at the beginning of our adoption journey, but how could anyone say no to the many ways God was telling me to start the process?  Darren would get his opportunity at the end. 

Shortly after sharing the news with our church family, one of our friends sent a text to Darren. “I was doing my devotional today and for whatever reason, God was telling me to tell you to read the story of Abraham. I have no Idea what it means or if it will be helpful but I had to tell you.” As you may well know, the story of Abraham’s life is quite in depth and Darren wasn’t sure what area of Abraham’s life God was trying to speak on.  Shortly after receiving that text another friend was talking with Darren and said, “this all reminds me of the story of Abraham.” 

Right after that Darren went to Genesis and began reading. He felt a draw towards the story of Isaac. Abraham and Sarah had longed for a child so long, and now God wanted Abraham to sacrifice the very child that took years of waiting for. But in that moment, the willingness to obey was enough for God. There was a great peace about this story that Darren had, and he felt God asking, “Are you willing? Will you be faithful?” God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. Abraham obeyed. His faith in God was so great that he trusted God to do what was best. 

Now that I am on the other side, I do see the good that has come from our journey. One of the things that stands out to Darren and I is how our faith has grown. Through the pain and confusion, God drew our hearts closer to Him. Through the ups and downs of the process He created a dependency on Jesus in our hearts that couldn’t have been done apart from everything we went through. 

Also, we had the opportunity to pray for so many women and their families- the 2 expecting mamas we were matched with and the expecting mamas that chose other families. Did God want us to be there and support them for a period of time? Maybe. And if that’s the case, then I am completely honored that God would allow us the opportunity to do that. To this day, we think about those women and their children and we know that God continues to hear our prayers for them. That time was not wasted and our prayers were not wasted. 

I have days when I look back and still feel confused about our journey. I was so confident in what God was asking of me. Actually, I’m still confident of that. I am still figuring out the “why’s” of what we went through. I do know that God wastes nothing. God is committed to making me more like Christ (Phil 1:6). He promises to never leave me (Heb 13:5). God promises to be close to me when I’m hurting (Ps 34:18). He will renew my strength (Is 40:31) and meet my needs (Phil 4:19). 

If you are walking through a similar story, I pray that God will guard your heart and mind. I don’t know the reason for your pain, but lean into the One who does. You will come out on the other side stronger than you were before. You will find your purpose in this life after loss- purpose in the pain. It might not be today, or tomorrow, but it will come. 

Give yourself time to grieve; that’s very important. Not everyone will understand your sadness and that’s okay. We have gone through a miscarraige, and from my experience, the pain of a failed adoption is quite similar. In some ways, it felt worse. When we walked through our miscarriage, we knew that our baby was in the arms of Jesus. The babies we never met through adoption are living a life we know nothing about. We can pray for them, and pray for God to guide their steps. Today feels heavy, but His mercies are new each and every day. I pray that God will help you see that His work is not done, and joy comes in the morning.