When an Expecting Mother Doesn’t Choose Your Family: Encouragement for Waiting Adoptive Parents

“What’s wrong with our family?” It’s one of the quiet, painful questions many hopeful adoptive parents ask while waiting to be chosen by an expecting mother.

Why aren’t we being chosen?
Is there something undesirable about us?
Are we too old? Too young?
How many times will we hear “no” before we finally hear “yes”?

These are questions I hear from families at some point in their adoption journey, and they often come from a very tender place. Many families enter the adoption process after years of infertility, loss, and disappointment. Month after month, year after year, dozens of negative pregnancy tests are tossed in the trash, each one feeling like a silent but excruciating “no.”

So when a family is not chosen by an expecting mother, it can touch a wound that was already there. It can feel deeply personal, even when it isn’t. It can bring back the ache of wondering if the desire to grow your family will ever become reality.

After hearing no after no, you may begin to feel your situation is hopeless. It can be tempting to think that every no you receive is rejection, as if someone is screaming with a megaphone right in your face, "this is never going to happen." But I'm here to remind you that your situation is not hopeless. Your situation isn't hopeless because God is still writing your story. Even the no’s are a part of that plan. He hasn't put down the pen. He just works at His own pace in His own time. I can assure you with full confidence that however difficult your situation may be, it is not hopeless. Although I don't know how or when your family's story will unfold, I know God does. I'm trusting that the one who called you to the adoption process in the first place has not forgotten about you, even when at times it may feel otherwise.

The road I'm going to encourage your heart to go down won't be a popular one. It won't be a popular one because it doesn't end or begin with the promise of a child. As Christians pursuing adoption, it should be our deepest desire that these expectant mamas make the best decision for their child- whether that be choosing another family or being empowered to parent. Even if she doesn't choose your family, there is still reason to have joy. "How can that be, Kelly? Are you asking me to be happy over the fact that we were not chosen? That seems rather dismissive of our feelings." I'm not asking you to have a fake or false sense of happiness over the fact that your family wasn't chosen. I'm not saying you should just "get over it." I'm not encouraging you to dismiss your sadness or feelings of disappointment.

As someone who has walked through infertility and the adoption process, I know it is not an easy journey. But as you're processing through these heavy feelings, I encourage you to look up to Christ. Look at what God is doing. I'm asking you to remember that even in your disappoint there is a reason to have joy in this situation. This expectant mama chose life for her child. This expectant mama considered all of her options and chose life. This expectant mama connected with another family. This expectant mama chose a family to parent her child. As Christians, we can hold both disappointment and joy in the same hand because we know that God is working through all of these things.

At times you may look around the adoption community and compare: "How did they match so quickly? What are they doing that we aren't?" In my experience, comparison only leads to further disappointment and it's also pretty good at stealing your joy. When my husband and I were struggling with infertility it seemed like everyone around us was getting pregnant so easily. I had to get off Facebook for a bit of time because I couldn't handle all of the pregnancy announcements blowing up my newsfeed. At times I felt consumed by jealousy and bitterness. I forgot to fix my eyes on Christ. God was doing a work in my heart, but I I couldn't see it because I was so blinded by what I wanted. I can honestly say that I'm so grateful that God didn't give me what I wanted when I wanted it. Why? Because if He had I would have missed out on some major heart growth that God needed to do in me. Why? Because if He had I wouldn't be the person and parent I am today. Why? Because if He had we wouldn't have started the adoption process when we did and Roman and Ruby wouldn't be our son and daughter. And I just can't imagine our world without them.

Perhaps your journey to growing your family through adoption is taking longer than you expected. Perhaps you’ve heard more than a dozen no’s and are starting to think that it’s never going to happen. Maybe you’ve looked around and noticed other families match quicker than you. Perhaps you’ve wrestled with the lie that something is wrong or undesirable about your family. My prayer for you is that you wouldn’t let the delays deter you from the desire God has placed on your heart. God never promises that our road will be easy, but He does promise to equip us with everything we need to accomplish everything He has called us to. Don’t forget that He is doing a work even when you can’t see it. He is doing a work even through the delays, detours, and even all of the nos. And even if she doesn’t choose your family, God is still writing your story. It isn’t over.

Thinking about adoption? I’d love to help. Fill out the short form here to receive my free adoption information packet and get access to my online adoption library with 20+ posts and videos that walk you through the process. You’ll also have the opportunity to schedule a free 30-minute call where we can talk through your questions and what this journey could look like for your family.