Thoughts On Adoption From An Adoptee & Birth Mother

I’m so honored to share a guest post from Jori Reid. Jori is a birth mother to an amazing 10 year old girl and they have an open adoption. As an adoptee, she also reunited with her birth mother after 21 years. Jori and her husband have 4 children, including twin girls! She is excited to share her unique perspective on adoption with you! I hope her words will be an encouragement to you, as they have been to me.

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Adoption has always been a part of my life.  I was born to one mother and then was raised by another. Both are amazing and wonderful in their own right. I was adopted from foster care when I was six months old in the 80’s when open adoption was still pretty non-existent. And so I grew up knowing very little about my biological family.

While in college in 2008, I became a birth mother when I placed my oldest daughter for adoption.  It was a title I never thought I would share with my own birth mother. I have learned so much in the last 11 years. Since I am two parts of the adoption triad, I think I have a unique perspective.  I would like to share with you 5 things I want you about adoption from the perspective of an adoptee and birth mom.

Jori and her beautiful birth daughter

1. Adoption begins with loss. To be completely honest, it took me a while to see and feel this one, but it doesn't make it any less true. My birth mother left the hospital 32 years ago with empty arms and a broken heart while I stayed there without her. When I was first adopted my mom said I had a hard time adjusting to my new environment and didn’t smile much. Loss and trauma can present in many different ways and times. As a birth mother,  I experienced the loss of my daughter when I got on the plane to fly back home after I relinquished my rights and the adoption became final. Yet, I also feel the loss on many occasions like a holiday or a completely random day. It hurts me to my core knowing I caused the pain my daughter feels or will feel, even though we have an open adoption. As parents it’s important to recognize adoption for all that it is and be able to sit with our children in their trauma and get them further help if needed. Doing research, joining a support group and/or finding a therapist can all make a difference. 
   

2. Adoption is a choice. After reuniting with my birth mom 10 years ago I was able to hear first hand why she placed me for adoption. It was so healing for me. She chose to place me for adoption so I could have a different life. Not necessarily better just different. I too chose adoption for the same reason. It was the best choice for us at that time in my life. So now 11 years into our adoption journey I am still healing, growing, and learning. I live with my choice every single day and try to make the best of it that I can.
   

3. Adoption is about love and so is DNA. Adoption is created with love. The love of a girl/woman. The love of a baby/child. The love surrounding a family. But that’s not all it is. Adoption is family. It is history. It is DNA. It is biology. A child’s DNA matters. Growing up and filling out family history paperwork at any medical office and having to write N/A or unknown was hard. Everytime. I was always curious about my biological family. I had a void where that piece of me was missing. I always wondered if I looked or acted like them. I used to fantasize about my ethnicity and where my ancestors came from. As a birth mom, when my oldest daughter was born I had no information to give her parents about my side of the family at the time. Then, when she was six months old I  reunited with my birth mom. It was such an incredible time in my life. To have that void filled and to learn about my history that no one but her could share was amazing. To be clear, just because I found and reunited with parts of my biological family does not mean I love my family or parents any less. They raised me to be who I am. I am equal parts of both of my families and am so grateful for that. 
   

4. What you say about adoption matters.  In society today it’s  so very easy to offend someone by saying the wrong thing. But I feel most of the time people have no idea they are offending. So what’s the solution? Educate your on positive adoption language. If you don’t who will? Many times I have heard people say, “ I could never GIVE UP my baby” and and I would just cringe. Then I would politely say, “Did you know the correct term is placed a child and not gave up?” It’s a very simple, kind and direct way to educate. Words do matter and have profound power.
   

5. Teach your children about diversity. Transracial adoptions are very common. And it’s very imperative that children are taught families come in all shapes, sizes and colors. 

Adoption is a never ending journey. We in the adoption community have a responsibility to the triad. We have a responsibility to adoptees to remind them that they are loved unconditionally. We have a responsibility to help them remember that their voice and story matter. We have a responsibility to birth parents to remind them that they are loved during and after placement. And that this love does not just exist for who they created, but for who they are. Birth mothers deserve the best post placement care we can find and they deserve healing. Lastly, we have a responsibility to adoptive parents. To hear them. To love them. To find and give them the support they need to raise these amazing humans. Because in the end we should all be in this journey together. Supporting each other. Lifting each other up. Adoption will only move forward and progress if we put in the work.

Jori, her husband and children

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About the writer:

Jori Reid is an adoptee and birth mom in an open adoption to an amazing 10 year old girl. Jori reunited with her birth mom after 21 years. She and her husband have 4 children, including a set of twin girls. She loves sharing her story of adoption, motherhood and her adventures of raising her kids, with the hopes to inspire and uplift others.

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***If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me, Kelly Todd, at kelly@christianadoptionconsultants.com and check out Christian Adoption Consultants for more information!***

Understanding The Adoption Tax Credit

Understanding how the adoption tax credit works can be a bit confusing. After my husband and I brought our twins home, we knew we needed assistance with taxes from someone who had experience in working with families who had adopted. After speaking with a few friends who had worked with Dave Lemaster, owner of Superior Tax Prep, we opted to use his services. We continue to use him every year since and he has been wonderful to work with. With over 11 years of experience, he is very knowledgeable on the adoption tax credit and has always been very quick to answer all of our questions.

I reached out to Dave to see if he would be interested in providing a brief summary of how the adoption tax credit works and he was more than happy to provide us with this helpful information.

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When a family adopts they are allowed to claim a tax credit on their income tax return for expenses incurred throughout the adoption process. It is advised that individuals should seek professional tax help when looking to claim the adoption tax credit to ensure it is handled properly. In general adoption expenses are claimed on the tax return in the year the adoption is finalized. But for any domestic adoption and foster care adoption qualifying expenses paid before finalization can only be claimed in the tax year following the year of expenditure (i.e. 2018 adoption expenses could not be claimed until the 2019 filed tax return in early 2020). When the adoption has been finalized any remaining expenses not already claimed can be claimed. For an international adoption expenses cannot be claimed until the year of finalization. If there are expenses in a year after finalization and you still have adoption tax credit left you claim them on the tax return for the year paid.

Items that can be claimed as adoption expenses are adoption fees, agency fees, attorney fees, court costs, travel expenses (including meals and lodging) while away from home, etc. Basically any reasonable adoption expense paid throughout the adoption journey. Families should pay special attention to keep receipts for all adoption related expenses so that when it comes time to file for the adoption tax credit there will be no setbacks and trying to track information down.

There are two kinds of tax credits; non-refundable and refundable. A refundable credit will reduce your income tax owed (i.e. does not reduce self-employment tax) and if there is any left it will refund you the remaining amount of the credit. A non-refundable credit will only reduce your tax owed, but any remaining credit amount will not be refunded. The adoption tax credit is a non-fundable credit up to $14,080 per child for a 2019 finalized adoption. This does not mean that when you finalize you will get the full amount in the year of finalization. Those eligible to claim the adoption tax credit can only benefit in a given year up to the amount of their tax liability. For 2018 look at form 1040, line 11 for tax liability. The benefit is limited because it is a non-refundable credit, which means it cannot exceed over your tax liability for the year. Other credits you’re claiming will impact the claimable amount as well.

The good news is that any amount of the adoption credit not used in the initial year can be carried forward for up to 5 years or until the credit runs out. If after the 5 carry forward years there is still adoption credit remaining it expires. Back in 2010 and 2011 the adoption tax credit was a refundable credit and there are legislators trying to make it refundable again.

Understanding the adoption tax credit is complex, but not impossible! Feel free to reach out to Dave Lemaster with any questions regarding the adoption tax credit or his services.

Superior Tax Prep , Dave Lemaster, Owner
(218)-591-3892 / dave.e.lemaster@gmail.com

Dave and his wife Amy are the proud parents of four children, 3 through adoption (including twin boys & their daughter) and one son biologically. They adopted with the help and support of Christian Adoption Consultants for both their adoption journeys. Dave has a B.S. in Accounting from the University of Wisconsin-Superior and MBA through Liberty University Online. He has been in the accounting/tax field since 2008 and has also operated his own tax business since 2014 where he has gained extensive knowledge about the adoption tax credit which helps to serve adoptive families.



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***If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me, Kelly Todd, at kelly@christianadoptionconsultants.com and check out Christian Adoption Consultants for more information!***

Thoughts On Open Adoption From Adoptive Parents

One of the most frequent questions I get asked as an adoption consultant is "Kelly, what does it really look like to have an open adoption?" There's so much more to an open adoption than a singular definition. I would venture to say that there is no cookie cutter explanation for what an open adoption entails, mainly because every relationship is different. A common definition of an open adoption is a direct line of communication between adoptive parents, adoptee and birth mother, which typically includes annual visit(s). But those descriptions seem lacking and incomplete, as they fail to truly explain the heart and purpose behind an open adoption. To help me fill in the gaps, I've gathered a few thoughts anonymously from adoptive parents and their experiences with an open adoption. I hope their words dispel some of the fears and myths you've upheld about openness and give you encouragement as you navigate your adoption journey. 

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"Open adoption is and isn’t many things and it’s different for every triad. For us, openness starts in our hearts and minds that makes us comfortable with and want to pursue acceptance that tension exists within adoption. Openness means we pursue contact with biological families. Most importantly, we are open to however our (adopted) child feels about his adoption and commit to stand with him as he wrestles through the good, bad, and ugly of his story. It means we view his bio family with respect, without co-parenting, and are open to him having all the information about his own life that we can help him get." 

"Open adoption is about two families that love the same child, and choose to build a relationship. Open adoption is healthy for both the child and mother. For the mother because it gives her reassurance to see her child thriving, for the child because it allows them to know where they came from, providing a sense of identity. Open adoption is not co-parenting. It’s not worrying that they’ll show up at your door or tell you how to parent." 

"Open adoption gives opportunity for more peace and love and understanding. It’s about loving your child. The more you can love and know each other the better it is for your child. They will want to know whatever they can and if we love them we will want to know whatever we can about their birth family and story. Open adoption is not a loss of power or control as a parent. You are still a parent just the same and have all of the parental rights."

"Open adoption has been the most amazing experience! I was always prepared to love my child, but I was surprised at how much I care about her birth mama too, and feel a connection to her that only mothers feel. Every time I text her a picture, I think how blessed we are that she wants to be a part of her daughter's life. Open adoption is not scary or intimidating like I once thought it might be. On the contrary, when I pray for my daughter's birth mom, I have a name, a face, a voice, and a personality that we care for and love."

"Open adoption is beautiful!  The amount of love between families is priceless.  You gain more than just a child or children you gain family members for life.   Open adoption is not always easy or the most comfortable, but it’s worth it and over time can blossom just like any relationship!  Relationships take work and just because it may not feel” natural” in the beginning, give it time and energy and watch it grow into something you didn’t realize it could be."

"Open adoption is an organic, dynamic process that grows as your child grows. Open adoption helps answer your child's questions. It is not threatening, nor does it diminish you as a parent." 

“Open adoption is letting go of your own fears and insecurities, and keeping the door open for your child to be able to know their biological family. It’s showing love to the woman who carried your baby for 9 months, and made the difficult decision to place him or her in your arms. Open adoption is setting healthy boundaries. It’s texting, emailing, Facetiming or visiting. Open adoption is not co-parenting. It’s gaining new family members and allowing your child to truly know where they came from.”

"I hear it from so many people that they think open adoption causes more harm than good to their child. But I don't see it that way. Open adoption is allowing God to heal what is broken through relationship and love.  I just want people to understand how healing it can be for adoptees to know about their birth parents/have a relationship with them."

"Open adoption can be scary, but it’s a relationship God orchestrated unique to your family. While it can be a complicated relationship, it also provides the opportunity for you to know your child’s birth mother. I’ve found value in being able to share more of my children’s stories as they grow up. How that relationship looks over time varies by situation, but often the relationships with birth moms change over time as they grieve and settle back into their own lives. Even so, it’s a bond that’s forever." 

"Open adoption is not always easy, but that doesn't mean it's not worth it. Just like any other significant relationship you've had or will have takes commitment, the relationship between the adoption triad is no different. When things get difficult or confusing at times, it would be easy to give up. Some people may even tell you that it's not worth it. But I want my child to know I did everything in my power to make it work. Because my child's birth mother is worth it. And my child is worth. It's all worth it." 

"Open adoption is a posture of the heart. It's about keeping your heart  open and extending grace to each other as you navigate, what is for many, uncharted waters. It's remembering that this relationship, like every relationship, takes time to grow and build trust. It's remembering to not assume things within the relationship. "Why hasn't she called? Did I say something wrong? She must just not really want to talk to us." It's remembering the grief process comes in ebbs and flows. Her silence may not mean what you think it does. Open adoption takes sacrifice, unconditional love, grace and honest communication between the birth mama and adoptive parents. Open adoption is a sacred and special bond, unlike anything we've ever experienced. I'm so very grateful for the opportunity to get to know my child's birth mother/birth family and for our child to have that special relationship too. It's a gift. It's a gift that not every family can provide their child with and I pray I don't ever take it for granted." 

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If you've come to the end of this post and are asking yourself, "Could we really do that? Could we really have an open adoption with our child's birth mother?" Believe me, I've been where you are. I've been on the other side of the adoption process, just like you, filling out applications and working through our concerns and fears in regards to an open adoption. Shortly after beginning the adoption process my husband and I started researching open adoption. Through research and conversations with others we realized the many benefits of an open adoption for all parties of the adoption triad. We recognized that our fear had been preventing us from embracing the reality of what an open adoption is and not just what we assume it to be based upon false pretenses. If you still are unsure, I want you to know that’s okay. As you are exploring your fears and concerns, I would just encourage you to do as much research as you can on the topic.

 For further reading on open adoption:

 Open Adoption Isn't A Lifetime Movie 

Insecurities & Open Adoption 

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 ***If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me, Kelly Todd, at kelly@christianadoptionconsultants.com and check out Christian Adoption Consultants for more information!***

5 Tips On Talking To Children About Adoption

We were playing on the park one day when a seven year old boy with blonde hair and bright blue eyes approached me. I could tell what he was going to ask before the question came out of his mouth, as it's one I get asked often by kids around his age. I saw him looking at me and looking at the twins, wondering how we were connected.

"Are those your babies?" he asked politely.

"Yes, I'm their mama!"

"But, why are they brown and you're white?"

His mother, completely embarrassed, stepped in and put her hand on his shoulder, "I'm so sorry."

"Isn't their skin beautiful? You know, families come in all different shapes, colors and sizes. Some families are really big and some families are really small. Some families have step-brothers or step-sisters and some families have only one child or no children at all. Families are formed in different ways. Children can be raised by the family they were born into, like you and your family, or through a family who adopted them, like our family."

"What's adoption?" he asked further.

"That's a great question. Adoption is when a birth mom or birth parent feel they can't take care of a child at the time. And then adoptive parents become their mommy and daddy. My children grew in their birth mama's tummy. When they were born she chose me and that man over there (pointed to my husband, Obbie) to be their parents. They became our son and daughter through adoption. Their birth mama loves them so very much and so do we!"

“Cool!” he said running off to play with his friends on the playground.

The questions I get asked most about adoption and why my children and I don’t “look the same” come mostly from children. I started receiving questions like this as soon as I brought our babies home.

I was tongue tied the very first time a 5 year old little girl asked, “Why are they brown and your not?” The twins were just about 3 weeks old at the time.

“They were adopted!” I replied.“What’s that?” she innocently questioned.

I said, “You can have your mommy explain that!”

Looking back, I still think that answer was okay. It’s not my job to educate every single person on the adoption process and you don’t need to carry that weight either. Adoption is common. And families, schools and churches, should be be doing a better job at educating children on how families are created in different ways.

Here are a few helpful tips to keep in mind as you are responding to children and their questions about adoption:

1. Don’t overshare. Protect your child’s story when answering questions about adoption.Sometimes I have found it’s best to use generalized answers instead of using personal examples. “Birth mothers choose to have another mommy and daddy raise their child when they feel they can’t at the time.” I have found when I use examples from the twins life it leads to further questions about their adoption story, which isn’t mine to share. Your first priority is to protect your child’s story, not answer others questions about their story. Most kids asking questions are just innocently curious, but even so, it’s not my story to share.
   

2. Keep it simple and use age appropriate language. Don’t use abstract phrases or language that could be confusing to a young little mind.
   

3. Don’t feel the need to explain the adoption process to every child who asks you. Just like you wouldn’t explain the “birds and the bees” to any random kid who asks you how “babies came to be”-it’s not your job to explain the adoption process to every child who inquires about it. Sometimes it's okay to simple say, "You can have your mommy or daddy explain that" or "You know, I bet your mom or dad would like to explain that to you!"
   

4. Continue implementing positive adoption language. Even as we are explaining adoption to younger children, it's important that we still incorporate positive adoption language. I think it's okay to make big adoption words and phrases easier for the little ones to understand, as long as we are doing it in a way that continues to honor all parties of the adoption triad. Click here for a helpful post on positive adoption language.
   

5. Be prepared for more questions and how you will respond. Adoption is very complex and difficult for children to wrap their minds around. Many of the words and phrases you may use will be words most children have never heard before and may need further explanation. But again, it's also quite alright to say: "I bet your mommy or daddy would like to explain that to you!"
   

It may take some time and practice to learn how to respond to kids about complex topics like adoption, but that’s okay! You will get better at it as you go! I hope that you find these tips helpful as you navigate conversations about adoption with children.

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***If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me, Kelly Todd, at kelly@christianadoptionconsultants.com and check out Christian Adoption Consultants for more information!***

Yes, It Matters Where Your Adoption Advice Comes From

As an adoption consultant with Christian Adoption Consultants, I've seen a drastic increase in the amount of questions that are asked about ethics, agencies, attorneys, fee structures, expectant mother/birth mother care, etc. As an adoptive mother and someone guiding families through the adoption process, I find it very encouraging that families are doing their research and asking the hard questions.  

There are a ton of different avenues online where hopeful adoptive families can acquire information regarding adoption. From a quick online Google search to adoption support groups on Facebook-there is so much information out there! There are plenty of amazing adoption resources accessible to families. But, at times all of the information can be very overwhelming. In fact, I've had many families tell me just that. How do you know who you can trust? How do you know what information is accurate? 

When I was working on my Master's degree in counseling I wrote many research papers. As a part of my work, I was required to include peer reviewed articles and journals. Peer review means these articles and journals had gone through an extensive series of evaluations by experts and scholars to establish their validity. I couldn't just pick a topic to write about and then "Google" my way through it to make my point. I had to ensure that the material being researched adhered to the highest credentials by the experts on that topic.

We live in a day and age where anyone can learn anything about anything. Although this has many benefits, it also reaps consequences. The consequences are that false, inaccurate and/or incomplete information about a topic has become easily accessible and transmitted to the general public.  How many times have you stayed up late at night Googling your symptoms, only to be self-diagnosed with some crazy, rare disease based on someone's random post in a discussion board? Although we can glean a lot from others personal experiences, when it comes to something as important as your health, one would think you’d at least want confirmation on this crazy rare disease by an expert in the field: your doctor. 

When my husband and I were researching adoption we quickly realized how much we didn't know about it. I'm so thankful our paths crossed with Christian Adoption Consultants. We felt more at ease knowing they were truly professionals in the field and had been around since 2006, assisting over 2,500 families on their adoption journey. The directors were more than just adoptive parents, they had founded 3 licensed adoption agencies in 3 different states, and had experience in working with adoption attorneys, social workers and case managers as well as state licensing specialists. When we signed on with CAC we weren't just getting access to one adoption consultant, but rather a team of 20 adoption professionals with 120 years of combined professional adoption experience. Four months after we signed on with CAC, we brought our twins home. And we could not have done it without their guidance, encouragement, support and prayers. 

Shortly after the birth of our twins, I joined the team at CAC. Although our team has adopted 45 kids (and counting!) between all us, our knowledge goes beyond our experience as adoptive parents. We have team members that hold degrees ranging from masters to bachelors in the counseling, social work, child welfare and human services fields. Additionally, we have a licensed social worker on staff with over 17 years experience.

I'm a firm believer in doing research and asking the hard questions. How do you learn if you don't ask? But I'm also a big proponent in checking your facts and verifying credentials, especially in a day and age where anyone can be an expert. As an adoption consultant, I'm still learning and growing in this field-that will never stop! But I've found that with so much information at our fingertips we can't just accept any information that comes our way. We have to push back and ask questions. Here are some helpful questions to ask yourself as you are filtering through adoption information:

1.    Where did you acquire this information? Who is the author? Adoption Facebook support groups are great places to learn from other's adoption experiences, but just as you would go to a doctor to verify your Google imposed self-diagnosis, confirm said information with an adoption professional/expert.  

2.     Is this a fact or opinion? Facts can be verified. Opinions cannot. Just because a lot of people are saying it doesn't mean it's true. It's very easy to repeat information others have heard or said because it sounds right or is dressed in a pretty package. But, do your research. Make sure the sources are credible. 

3.    When was this information published? The adoption world is constantly changing. While doing your homework make sure you’re looking at the date it was published to ensure it’s relevancy for adoption today.

4.    Are they a part of a reputable adoption organization? There are many things that make an organization reputable: education and experience in the field are just a few.  

5.    What is their relationship to adoption? Are they an adoptee? Birth mom/parent? Adoptive parent? Social worker? Knowing this information will give great insight into where they are coming from. For example, I'm not an adoptee or a birth mother. I can only speak to what I've learned from other adoptees and birth mothers. But, that is second-hand information. That doesn't mean I can't share what I've learned or discredit the information, but it's important for the audience to be aware of the sources relationship to adoption when speaking on it.

6.    What topic are they discussing and what are their credentials? For example, someone who is discussing ethics and how it relates to an agency: Do they have any experience working at or with an adoption agency/attorney? Are they a social worker? Have they counseled expectant mamas/ birth parents before? If they haven't personally, are they a part of an organization that has where they are receiving education to be equipped with the knowledge they need to be discussing said topic?

I can't tell you how many people have come to me with inaccurate adoption-related information regarding something they read in an adoption support group on Facebook or the comment section of someone's Instagram account. I’ve seen false information regarding adoption that was essentially just parroted from something that someone else read or heard. It’s my hope that these questions will serve as tools to help you filter through information that crosses your path.

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***If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me, Kelly Todd, at kelly@christianadoptionconsultants.com and check out Christian Adoption Consultants for more information!***