Not Defined By Infertility: 3 Truths To Remember

My infertility once defined me. Every negative pregnancy test became a reminder of what my body couldn’t do. Baby shower invites would come in the mail and my heart would be overwhelmed with jealousy and a reminder of the brokenness I felt in my soul. A stroll through the baby clothes aisle at Target felt like walking onto a stage before a mocking crowd, as if a giant spotlight was shining on my empty tummy, reminding me that I was somehow less of a woman because of my barrenness. My entire life I was told the likelihood of having biological children would be very slim due to the cancer treatments I received as a baby. But after we were married I was still optimistic and hopeful that somehow God would heal my body. After all, my God is a God of miracles. I’d seen this to be true in my own life, as He healed my body of cancer more than once.

After a few years of struggling with infertility,  a positive pregnancy test appeared. But tragedy struck as quickly as the news came in, as I miscarried shortly after learning we were pregnant. The weight of that loss wrecked me. My tears bathed the pillow every night and every ounce of my body was grieving. I felt hopeless. I felt broken.  I didn't want to get out of bed or leave the house. When I did muster up the strength to get out of the house I felt like I had to dress myself up with a fake smile.

The death of our unborn child felt like being stuck in winter. As we greeted anger and sadness in the face, we started talking and lamenting over the loss with God, close friends and family. That was the most healing thing for us to do. And as we continued talking about the heavy thoughts and feelings we were experiencing and praying through the pain instead of running away from it, God continued healing our hearts.

Grace gave us the strength to trust Him through the loss and the reality of our infertility, knowing that He is a good Father, who loves us even when we couldn't make our way through the storm. And although most days I failed to see Him-the Son was always there. Eventually He melted the ice away and replaced my barrenness with hope- not hope in a positive pregnancy test or a child, but hope in Jesus Christ.

A doctor would tell you that I’m infertile, that statistically my chances of getting pregnant are impossible. But, I see it quite differently. God healed me. He just healed me in a different way than expected. God healed my heart to be at peace with my circumstances. Though my heart is content that doesn't equate to immunity from sadness over our loss or my infertility, but it doesn't consume my thoughts or define me like it once did.

For women struggling with infertility or loss I want to remind you that there is so much more to you than your inability to procreate. Infertility does not make you broken. Infertility does not make you less of a woman. Infertility does not make you unworthy. Infertility does not make you undesirable. But I also want you to know that if you've had some of these thoughts you are not alone. I've talked to many women over the years who have felt broken, less of a woman, unworthy and undesirable because of their infertility, myself included. But these are lies. And when we begin to see ourselves through these falsities and allow them to infiltrate our mind, we begin to believe them. We begin to see ourselves through these distorted lenses. So what do we do? We combat the lies with God's truth and promises. 

Lie: I'm broken.
Truth: Your body isn't broken, but Christ's body was broken for you. An empty womb is not the end of your story, but a Risen King from an empty grave is the beginning.  Christ came to this earth so we could have "life in abundance" (John 10:10). This fullness is explicitly and solely found in Christ alone.

Lie: I'm less of a woman. 
Truth: In Ephesians 2:10 Paul refers to the children of God as His "masterpieces." It does not say, "those who are fertile are God's masterpieces," does it? There is more to being a woman then the ability or inability to bear a child. You are first and foremost a child of God and those who are in Christ are "completed by Him" (not a positive pregnant test or a baby) (Colossians 2:10). All other identities you share (wife, friend, mother, employee) come after that one. Those identities, although wonderful, are not eternal like your relationship with your Heavenly Father. I am not trying to devalue our earthly relationships. Rather, I'm hoping to remind you that you are a child of God and that surpasses all other titles on this side of earth and heaven. 

Lie: I'm unworthy of love and undesirable. 
Truth: Your worthiness and desirableness are not based upon your ability to procreate. God went to great lengths to declare His love for you. He sent His only Son, Jesus Christ, to die on a cross for you so that you could come to know Him and be known by Him. The Creator of the Universe, the one who placed the stars in the sky and causes the rain to water the ground, and flowers to bloom in their season, the One who fashioned every fiber of our DNA, desires a relationship with you. Let me repeat that: He desires you. He loves you. In Zephaniah 3: 17 we learn that God takes "great delight" in His children and "rejoices" over them "with singing."  You must learn to believe these truths as you are sifting through the lies. Your value and your worth are not contingent upon your ability to conceive. Your value and worth are found in Christ and nothing can dilute that-not even infertility.

Keep running to Jesus with all of your big thoughts and emotions. He can handle it. Keep pouring out your honest cries and prayers before the Lord. He is a good listener-the best. Ask the Holy Spirit to help you cling to His promises over any lies that the enemy would want you to believe about yourself or your situation. Remember that God is with you wherever you are, whatever you are feeling. You are not alone, sweet friend. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit" (Psalm 34:18). 

Insecurities & Open Adoption

In the initial stages of the adoption process the thought of having an open adoption with a birth mother evoked some concerns and fear in our mind. At the time, our perception was heavily influenced by the media, our lack of education and a few Lifetime movies. But now having some personal experience in this relationship and as an adoption consultant who walks with families through the process, I understand the benefits of an open adoption to all three parties of the adoption triad.  Recently, I wrote a post debunking 5 myths commonly associated with an open adoption. Myths such as "open adoption is co-parenting" or  "open adoption is only beneficial to the birth family." Today I will be discussing how our insecurities can play a role in negatively shaping the way we view an open adoption.

Early on in the process, I realized these misconceptions surrounding an open adoption not only stemmed from lack of education, but also my own deep rooted insecurities that had been brewing for many years as we struggled with infertility. I thought that if we had an open line of communication with a birth mother it would make me feel like less of a mother and be a blatant reminder of my infertility and empty womb. Perhaps I also believed the lie that an open adoption would somehow undermine my role as a mother. I quickly discovered a connection between my insecurities and the initial fear I had regarding an open adoption.

Throughout our struggle with infertility, I allowed my barrenness to define me. Many days I felt broken and the odd one out among my friends. There was a time when I equated "being a woman" with a growing bump and a positive pregnancy test. But when the growing bump never came and hundred of negative pregnancy tests later, my definition of "womanhood" didn't fit. It was a lie. "There has to be more than this," I said to God one night through tears after throwing another negative pregnancy test straight into the trashcan along with what seemed at the time, my hopes and dreams.

Over the next year the Lord carefully and lovingly removed the false identity I had unknowingly placed on myself. I was reminded through reading the Word, my personal suffering and talking with other friends that my identity is solely and explicitly found in Christ. For those who are a child of God, nothing from this world can take away the fullness that is found in Jesus Christ-not even an empty womb.

I'm grateful I had this "break through" before we started the adoption process, as I continued to carry this truth with me. Even so, reminders of my "old way of thinking" sometimes crept back in. When our home study provider began describing examples of what an open adoption looked like practically bitterness, insecurity and jealously stirred back up again. "I could never do that," I secretly thought to myself. But, as we received education from our adoption consultant, read blog posts, listened to podcasts and heard stories from birth mothers, adoptees and other adoptive families we came to realize the benefits of an open adoption far outweighed any fears we had. We knew an open adoption wouldn't be easy, but it would be worth it.

Where and who we find our identity in has a profound effect on the way we interact with others and respond to circumstances. When our identity is found in Christ-we are free to love others and embrace the uncharted waters  we may encounter without fear. Because my identity is rooted in Christ, and not on my role as a parent, I can embrace the beautiful reality that the twins have two mothers, with distinct roles, who love them immensely. Their first mama lovingly carried them for 9 months, brought them into this life and chose adoption for them. Their birth mother made me a mother. She gave them life and I have the privilege of raising them.  She chose us to be their parents because she felt it was in the best interest of her children. Can you imagine that kind of love? A kind of love and strength that it takes to place the baby who you carried in your tummy for 9 months, the baby who you felt kick, the baby you heard cry for the very first time, the baby who has your nose and your eyes, into the arms of another woman who her child will one day call “mama?” That is a self-sacrificing kind of love; a love I want my children to know.

Research indicates that on going communication with birth parents allows adoptees to have a deeper understanding of identity and where they came from, access to important genetic and medical information and a distinct understanding of why adoption was chosen, which can decrease feelings of abandonment and increase feelings of belonging. And so I propose this question: How could we as adoptive parents, knowing this truth, not take the opportunity to have an open adoption with our child's/children's birth mother if that option is laid before us? I’ve spoken with adoptive families who wish they had the opportunity to have an open adoption with their child’s birth family. They would give any thing to be able to answer some of their child’s lingering questions about where they came from.

If you were like us, and struggled with the thought of having an open adoption with your child's birth family, I encourage you to take a few moments and examine yours fears, insecurities and concerns. Birth mothers have given adoptive families a piece of their heart, one that they are entrusting them with forever. There is so much love in that decision. Not only do I want my children to hear about her unconditional love from us , I want them to know her personally. In our mind, the more love the better.

***If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at kelly@christianadoptionconsultants.com and check out Christian Adoption Consultants for more information!***