Repost: Fear In The Adoption Process

April 23, 2020 by Kelly Todd in Adoption

How will we afford the cost associated with adoption? What if the expectant mother decides to parent? What if there is a history of mental health issues? What if the expectant mother used drugs or alcohol during pregnancy? Are we too old to be considered? Do we have too many children to be desirable to an expectant mother?

As an adoption consultant these questions, concerns and fears enter the conversation quite frequently. But, I can relate. When my husband and I started our adoption journey we had similar concerns. Below, I will examine a few of the most common questions I receive as a consultant.

1. How will we afford the cost associated with adoption? Adoption can be expensive. The cost associated with adoption was one our biggest concerns before walking into the process. If this is one of your fears you are not alone. I would say it’s one of the most common questions I get asked about when a family is inquiring about adoption, “How will we afford it?” And yet, time and time again I see families blown away by the faithfulness of God through the generosity of friends, family and even complete strangers. At Christian Adoption Consultants, we also provide our families with resources and tools on how to fund their adoption through grants, loans, and fundraising.

2. What if the expectant mother changes her mind? Although Christian Adoption Consultants has a lower adoption failure rate (< 20%) than the nation wide failure rate (50-60%), there will always be some level of risk in the adoption process. When a woman is considering an adoption plan for her child, she is making one of the most difficult decisions of her life. Placing a child for adoption is a sacrificial and selfless act of unconditional love. Unless you've walked through this yourself, than you can't possibly understand the thoughts and feelings that surround this decision. No one can predict whether or not an expectant mother will change her mind. However, if you are living and breathing on this earth, then risk is inevitable. You can’t be immune to it; it’s a part of life. A gynecologist can’t guarantee a full-term pregnancy, as there is 1 in 4 chances that a woman will miscarry. But that risk doesn’t prevent couples from trying. There are many potential side effects of prescription drugs and medicine, and yet the majority rarely think twice about taking a pill. At CAC we walk with our families and assist them in navigating the warnings signs to reduce the levels of risks associated with the adoption process.

3. What if there is a history of mental health issues or the expectant mother used drugs or alcohol during pregnancy? I often hear couples say, “We just want a healthy baby.” Drug and alcohol exposure during pregnancy and a history of mental health issues are not uncommon in adoption. The desire for a healthy child isn’t abnormal, but in reality this is something that can’t be guaranteed, even in what some would consider the “best case scenario.” If you are considering adoption, please know that I don’t share this information with you to evoke fear. Rather, I share this to remind you that risk is a part of life and adoption is no exception. I'm confident that God equips families with His grace and strength to handle whatever circumstances may come their way.

4. Will we ever get chosen? Many couples express concerns about whether or not their family will be desirable to an expectant mother. “Are we too old? Are we too young? Do we have too many children?” Every expectant mother has their own set of preferences for an adoptive family. Perhaps one expectant mother may desire a family with many children for her little one to play with. Another expectant mother may prefer a family who has a history of infertility because she feels as though she is giving them something they cannot give themselves. Regardless of your situation, God is using everything about your family to connect with an expectant mother, even when you can’t quite see what He is up to.

When my husband and I were functioning and making decisions through a “what I can handle” lens, fear quickly became a familiar visitor. However, our worry began dissipating when we stopped thinking with an autonomous mentality and started reminding ourselves that our source of strength does not begin or end with ourselves. It is God who equips us with all that we need to journey through this life (and the adoption process)! It also brought us great comfort to know that we couldn’t mess up or miss out on the story God was writing for our family.

If we had let fear govern our decision-making, we probably never would have started the adoption process. And then we would have missed out on the two biggest blessings of our life: Roman and Ruby. Fears and concerns may arise and when they do my prayer is that you would remember the Author who is writing your story-the One who will equip with you everything you need to accomplish everything He will bring along your path.

***If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at kelly@christianadoptionconsultants.com and check out Christian Adoption Consultants for more information!***

Adoption Story: Dan + Ashley

May 06, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Adoption

It was such an honor to walk through the adoption process with Dan and Ashley. Their journey has not been an easy one by any means, but they have trusted God every step of the way. I have been encouraged by their faith and hope in God, despite their circumstances. Dan and Ashley, it was such a privilege to walk this road with you and I know so many others will be encouraged by your story!

Adoption was never our backup plan. For as long as I can remember, I envisioned adopting a child into our family, even as a little girl. What I didn’t know as a little girl was that adoption would be the only way we could build a family.

After enjoying our marriage for a few years, Dan and I tried to conceive. We knew it could be difficult given the fact that Dan was diagnosed with Stage II Hodgkin's Lymphoma when he was 17. Although he is healthy and cancer-free today (Praise God!) the treatments he received impacted his fertility. At the same time, I (Ashley) was diagnosed with PCOS, which would make it difficult for us to conceive naturally. We sought the help of a fertility specialist, and went through IVF. But our IVF cycle did not result in viable embryos. After that, we knew we had our answer: God was telling us that first we needed to grieve the loss of a biological family we always dreamed of. And second, God was leading us to adoption. This is how we would grow our family.

As we began researching ways to adopt, we became extremely overwhelmed. Mounds of questions stared us in the face. How do we select an agency? How do we know if that agency is ethical? Do we adopt in our home state, or a different state? How do we create a profile? Will we ever be chosen?

That’s when we found CAC and spoke with Kelly. We liked her immediately. She was kind, patient with us as we asked a million questions, and we could tell she had a heart for adoption. The fact that CAC vetted all of the agencies they work with to ensure they practice ethical adoption standards was huge for us. We also liked the fact that we would have an opportunity to present our profiles to expectant mothers at multiple agencies rather than being restricted to just one agency. Our hope was that we may be matched more quickly.

Kelly guided us through the process of getting set up and ready to present our profile to expectant mothers. Gathering all of the paperwork and documents that we needed to be “home study approved” was time consuming and exhausting. Then there was the wait, which is probably harder than all of the paperwork put together. Waiting to present our profile. Waiting for expectant mothers to make a decision on our profile. Hearing “I’m sorry, she chose another family.” And waiting again for the next opportunity to present. Not only did Kelly sent us encouraging texts and emails to help us in that wait, she prayed for us. She also helped educate us on positive adoption language, and was pivotal to opening our hearts and minds to open adoption.

Less than three months into our adoption journey, we got the call we’d been dreaming of, “She chose you!” We couldn’t believe it. We were chosen to parent a baby girl due in just a few short months! But those months were filled with doubt and uncertainty. I still won’t forget the day when we got a call from our agency telling us that the expectant mother had changed her mind. The baby had been born, and she decided to parent. While we understood and respected her decision, we were heartbroken that this baby girl we had spent months praying for and preparing for was not going to come home with us. We were crushed and had to grieve yet another loss. But we are firm believers that everything happens for a reason. And for whatever reason, this baby girl was not meant for us, she was meant to be raised by her biological mother, which is beautiful in itself.

For the next few months, we went back to waiting and presenting. And I changed my prayer -- I stopped praying for God to give us a child, and instead I began praying for God to bring us an expectant mother who we could build a lasting relationship with. We believed that eventually God would give us a child, in his timing. What was most important to us was an expectant mother who we could love, just as Christ loves us.

Nine months after starting our adoption journey, we were matched with another mother expecting a baby boy! From the first time we spoke with her on the phone, we felt a connection. We met in person just a couple weeks later, and our love for each other grew. This woman has a huge heart. She is beautiful both inside and out, loves fiercely and is one of the strongest women I know. We walked alongside her for the remaining months of her pregnancy. Texting almost constantly throughout the day, and seeing her again in person one more time.

This incredible women gave me the honor of being by her side during her c-section. I had the privilege of seeing her baby boy be brought into this world. It was a moment that I will never forget filled with emotions that I can’t quite describe. She even gave us the privilege of caring for her boy the two days she was in the hospital -- giving us the opportunity to bond with this precious baby. Two days later, she made the hardest decision she’s ever had to make. She put all her trust in us to be the best parents we could be for her son. The weight of the decision is not lost on me. And the love she has for her son is undeniable.

This woman made me a mom, and I’m so grateful for that. The bond we share is sacred and unbreakable. We are so grateful for this open adoption and the relationship we share with her. Our son, Connor, is four months old now and we still talk frequently. We share photos back and forth, and have plans to see her again before he turns one. She will forever be a part of our lives. Open adoption is beautiful, and one day Connor will be able to talk to his biological mother about her decision. When God sent us this woman, he truly answered my prayers! Everything that led us to this moment -- the infertility and the disrupted adoption -- now makes sense, and we’re grateful for all of it.

Dan and I learned a lot about ourselves during this journey. We learned how to communicate better with each other. We learned how to pray and listen to God. We learned how to love. We learned how to lean on our friends and family when we just didn’t think we could go any further on our own. We learned that adoption is beautiful and broken, but born from love and loss. We learned how to open our hearts and minds in ways we never imagined. This journey through infertility and adoption strengthened our marriage in ways that “the easy way” could never have done. We learned how to process our emotions and let ourselves feel. We learned how strong we really are, but understanding that’s a strength that could only come from our loving Savior.

***If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me, Kelly Todd, at kelly@christianadoptionconsultants.com and check out Christian Adoption Consultants for more information!***

Adoption Story: Michael + Chelsey

February 18, 2019 by Kelly Todd

I remember the first time I spoke with Michael and Chelsey over the phone. We talked for at least an hour and I knew within minutes that there was something special about this couple. As their adoption consultant, I not only had the honor of guiding them through the adoption process, I got to know them very well throughout their journey! And I can tell you that I have seen them walk through the unknowns, heartache and loss with the kind of joy and hope that can only be found in Jesus Christ. As Chelsey beautifully explains below, their story is one of God’s faithfulness, grace, mercy and unconditional love. It is my prayer that you will be encouraged by their faith, as I have.

“The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.”
-Lamentations 3: 22-23-

A mother takes her young son into a store. The store owner approaches the young boy and tells him to take a hand full of candy. The young boy looks up to the store owner and asks if he would get the candy for him. Later that day the mother asks her son, “Why did you ask the store owner to get your candy instead of getting it yourself?” The boy replies, “because his hands are bigger than mine.”

A coworker of Michael told us that story as we packed to go to Florida to await the birth of our baby girl. I couldn’t fully comprehend the meaning behind the story at the time. All I could do was trust. Trust that God’s hands were bigger than mine and He would give us more than we could grab ourselves. Now I understand.

Michael and I knew pretty quickly that we wanted to be parents. It was just the next step and we had no reason to believe we would encounter any problems. Until we did. And the months turned into years. The “trying” turned into diagnoses and surgeries and procedures. The hope turned into despair. The dream turned into a very cruel reality that having biological children was not likely.

We knew that adoption was next. After giving ourselves time to heal from the excruciating loss of that dream, we began researching and pretty quickly decided we were interested in hiring a consultant. We made a phone call to Christian Adoption Consultants in December 2017. Let me tell you, I don’t think I’ve ever been so nervous in my life to make a phone call. No answer, but shortly thereafter we received a call back from Kelly Todd. It only took a few minutes for Kelly’s kind, soft voice to dissipate my fears and anxieties about the call. After speaking with her, we decided to dive in. In January 2018 we signed on with CAC and truly began our adoption journey.

By June we were home study approved and ready and excited to begin receiving situations! I’m not sure what I expected but the realities of a large majority of these situations left my heart heavy. I remember asking Kelly if they would all be that way and her answer shed a new light on the journey. She explained that adoption is full of brokenness. Expectant mamas are making an adoption plan for their baby because of the difficult situation they are in. They want a better life for their child. I don’t know what kind of fantasy land I was living in or why, but I needed that explanation. We received a ton of situations, some we presented to and some we didn’t. We didn’t know how to choose whether or not to present and I’m so thankful for a conversation with Kelly during which she reminded me that there was nothing we could do or not do that would ruin God’s plan for our family.

The first few times we presented we were met with “She has decided to move ahead with another family.” Ugh. It was incredibly disappointing. I couldn’t understand what was “wrong” with us. While presenting to one particular situation and awaiting the expectant mother’s decision, I remember feeling defeated. I remember sitting on our couch crying and I looked at Michael and said, “I just want a ‘yes’. I don’t think we’re ever going to get a ‘yes’.” The next day we received a phone call that the expectant mama had chosen us! She said “yes” to us! We were matched! Unfortunately, within just a few weeks, our match failed. Shattered. Our hearts were shattered. Our “yes” turned into an ugly, glaring, painful “no.” Our families told us to take time, that we needed a break. Others told us it was okay to stop trying. I kneeled on the floor of this beautiful nursery in our new home and sobbed. I had been thinking all along that I was believing and trusting in God and in that moment I knew I had not. Not really. I wanted God to give me MY gift the way I wanted it in MY time.

Something about that failed match lit a fire inside of both of us. We were finally “all in.” No more fear, no more analyzing or assessing, no more trying to control, no more forcing. Just trusting. Just saying “yes” to God, down whatever road He would have us go. Just a few weeks later we found out that an expectant mama we were presenting to had chosen us. Being scared would have been the easiest thing to do, but we had vowed to choose faith over fear, so we did. With hope and joy, we gave our hearts to this expectant mama. Less than seven weeks later, she laid her heart, in the form of her beautiful newborn baby girl, in our arms.

I can’t begin to describe the feelings. The pain, the waiting, the longing, the emptiness, the barrenness, the grief, the loss… it all culminated into that moment when we walked into a labor and delivery room at 3:30 AM after driving 10 hours through the night and had our baby girl laid into my arms.

We have been floating since. Our sweet girl turned 10 weeks old today and I still can’t help but stare at her and cry, because of my love for her but also because of God’s love for us. She’s absolutely perfect. God’s hands were so much bigger than mine or Michael’s.

Does it all make perfect sense now? Some would tell you “yes”, but I’ll be honest with you and tell you “No, not exactly.” My little mind is just not capable of understanding God in all his power and wisdom. What I do know, what does make perfect sense, is that God knows. I don’t know when or how or why he chose this baby girl for us. I can’t begin to fathom, but I know I’m as proud of her as if I had made her myself. I know that God knew how our story would unfold long before we did. I know that God is incredible and I stand in complete wonder and awe of His amazing love.

The process of adopting was not an easy one. There were days when it was just hard, in every sense. There were moments when I couldn’t find the strength to even dream of holding our child in my arms. Each and every time, though, God sustained us. God lifted us up, he strengthened us, he renewed our hope, and he covered us in his faithfulness. Like he has always done and like he will always do. Our story is not one of our faith or endurance, but of God’s grace and mercy. Of his ability and willingness to grab a handful of candy for us because his hands are so much bigger than ours and he can hold abundantly more.