Open Adoption & Insecurity: What Changed My Perspective

In the early stages of our adoption journey, the thought of having an open adoption brought up a lot of fear and uncertainty for us. At the time, our perception was shaped by what we had seen in the media, our lack of education, and yes… probably a few too many Lifetime movies. But now, having walked through an open adoption personally and coming alongside families as an adoption consultant, I’ve come to see the beauty and benefits it can offer to all three parties of the adoption triad.

Looking back, I can see that a lot of my initial hesitation wasn’t just rooted in misunderstanding—it was rooted in insecurity. Today, I want to talk about how our insecurities can quietly shape the way we view open adoption, often in ways we don’t even realize.

As I began to reflect on my own fears, I realized they weren’t just about adoption itself. They were tied to deeper insecurities that had been building for years as we struggled with infertility. I worried that having an open line of communication with a birth mother might make me feel like less of a mother—a constant reminder of my infertility and empty womb. I think, deep down, I also believed the lie that an open adoption could somehow undermine my role as a mom.

Over time, I began to see the connection between those insecurities and the fear I initially felt toward open adoption.

Throughout our struggle with infertility, I allowed my barrenness to define me. Many days I felt broken and the odd one out among my friends. There was a time when I equated "being a woman" with a growing bump and a positive pregnancy test. But when the growing bump never came and hundred of negative pregnancy tests later, my definition of "womanhood" didn't fit. It was a lie. "There has to be more than this," I said to God one night through tears after throwing another negative pregnancy test straight into the trashcan along with what seemed at the time, my hopes and dreams.

Over the next year the Lord carefully and lovingly removed the false identity I had unknowingly placed on myself. I was reminded through reading the Word, my personal suffering and talking with other friends that my identity is solely and explicitly found in Christ. For those who are a child of God, nothing from this world can take away the fullness that is found in Jesus Christ-not even an empty womb.

I'm grateful I had this "break through" before we started the adoption process, as I continued to carry this truth with me. Even so, reminders of my "old way of thinking" sometimes crept back in. When our home study provider began describing examples of what an open adoption looked like practically bitterness, insecurity and jealously stirred back up again. "I could never do that," I secretly thought to myself. But, as we received education from our adoption consultant, read blog posts, listened to podcasts and heard stories from birth mothers, adoptees and other adoptive families we came to realize the benefits of an open adoption far outweighed any fears we had. We knew an open adoption wouldn't be easy, but it would be worth it.

Where and who we find our identity in has a profound effect on the way we interact with others and respond to circumstances. When our identity is found in Christ-we are free to love others and embrace the uncharted waters  we may encounter without fear. Because my identity is rooted in Christ, and not on my role as a parent, I can embrace the beautiful reality that the twins have two mothers, with distinct roles, who love them immensely.

Their first mama lovingly carried them for 9 months, brought them into this life and chose adoption for them. Their birth mother made me a mother. She gave them life and I have the privilege of raising them.  She chose us to be their parents because she felt it was in the best interest of her children. Can you imagine that kind of love? A kind of love and strength that it takes to place the baby who you carried in your tummy for 9 months, the baby who you felt kick, the baby you heard cry for the very first time, the baby who has your nose and your eyes, into the arms of another woman who her child will one day call “mama?” That is a self-sacrificing kind of love; a love I want my children to know.

If you’re like I once was and feel hesitant about open adoption, I gently encourage you to take some time to examine your fears and insecurities. Birth mothers are entrusting adoptive families with something incredibly sacred. There is so much love in that decision. Not only do I want my children to hear about her love from us, but I also want them to know her personally. In our minds, the more love, the better.

Thinking about adoption? I’d love to help. Fill out the short form here to receive my free adoption information packet and get access to my online adoption library with 20+ posts and videos that walk you through the process. You’ll also have the opportunity to schedule a free 30-minute call where we can talk through your questions and what this journey could look like for your family.