Healing Is In His Hands (Part 1)

This post was prompted by a 9 year old video that my brother-in-law tagged me in the other day from my niece and nephews singing praise and worship songs. This video, along with others, were sent to me when we had just discovered I had cancer again and thought I would be going through months and months of chemotherapy. Their sweet little voices brought so much hope to my heart and I know God heard their prayers to heal their, "Aunt KK." What a sweet reminder that our prayers don't need to be fancy and we don't have to use big "churchy" words when approaching our Heavenly Father. We can come to Him like the child we are and lay our desires at His feet.

9 years ago this month I was told that the tumor growing in my upper right shoulder was an aggressive form of cancer and would require an immediate chemotherapy treatment plan. I was handed a stack of papers by my oncologist that detailed a schedule of the type of chemo they would be injecting into my body the upcoming months. I was told what I needed to do and where I needed to be. It was recommended that I drop out of my last semester of college because the type and dosage of chemo I would be receiving would make me very ill. I remember kindly arguing with my oncologist about needing to drop out of school. That was not an option for me. I wanted to finish so badly. At that point I had already taken a few breaks from college due to other health issues, one of which was just a year prior: open-heart surgery. 

This was the second opinion we received about the "mysterious tumor" that had been carved out of my shoulder. After months of testing, the first pathologist said that he "had never seen anything quite like this before" and that it "looked extremely suspicious." Because of my long history of cancer, he recommended a second opinion. Back in the hotel room I was devastated by the diagnoses. It felt like a nightmare. My mom and I had driven up to Minnesota before my dad and we were waiting on him to get to the hotel to share the news with me. While we were waiting my mom read scripture and prayed for healing over my body. She also read texts and emails to me from friends, family and strangers who were covering me in prayer as well.  I remember when he walked through the door I completely lost it. I was hugging him and I just kept on saying over and over again, "Why do I have to go through this again? Why? " After processing the information together and spending a great deal of time asking God for wisdom we decided to get one more opinion. I felt very hesitant in my spirit to proceed immediately with this specific chemo treatment plan.

But the only way for me to "get out" going through the treatment plan was if the pathologist at the other hospital saw something different than the previous one. He would literally have to look into the Microscope and be in disagreement with what the other pathologist saw. And so that is exactly what we prayed for. My brother-in-law held a prayer gathering and invited people from our church to come and lay hands on me. It was during the week so I didn't expect many people to be able to come. I still tear up thinking about how many of my brothers and sisters showed up. We prayed. We did as James 5:14 instructs,  "Are any of you sick? You should call for the elders of the church to come and pray over you, anointing you with oil in the name of the Lord." We asked God to heal my body. We begged Him to heal me right there. We pleaded that the pathologist would see something entirely different when he looked in the microscope. When I left the prayer gathering I felt peace. Anxiety had subsided. I remember it quite keenly and I wrote it in my journal, "Even in my moments of weakness I feel the power of the Holy Spirit surrounding me, reminding me of His truth. And I know this is the power of prayer. Thank you Jesus for faithful servants who are interceding on my behalf.  Their prayers are the greatest gifts I could receive. I'm humbled by their kindness and commitment to pray for me." 

A few pathologists who specialized in the type of tumor this was suspected to be were hovering over the tumor for months. We were met with further delays and disappointments. "We need more time." "This tumor is proving difficult to diagnose." "We have never seen anything like it before." This was not the news we were hoping to hear, but ultimately it gave us more time to pray and seek the Lord. And then we got our answer. The final diagnosis of the tumor was completely in contrast to the initial diagnosis, but in the end all of the pathologists were in agreement: it was a low grade sarcoma (slow growing cancer) and therefore would require no further treatment! Surgery was sufficient! God blew us away with another big miracle and the only explanation is His healing hand. He heard our prayers and He answered. 

By the time we had finally received the news that no more treatment would be required (other than the surgery that had already taken place) 3.5 months had passed. Those 3.5 months felt like an eternity, but looking back I wouldn't trade them for anything. I remember leaving Rochester, Minnesota with the devastating news that months and months of chemo were in my future. We passed a wig store for patients undergoing chemo and I completely lost it. I wasn't afraid of my hair falling out. I was afraid that my hair falling out meant one step closer to death. I had been spending a lot of late nights googling the type of cancer I supposedly had and read that the survival rate wasn't very promising. And so death was on my mind a lot. I started thinking of all the things I wasn't going to be able to live to experience: graduating college, finding a career I love, getting married, having kids, seeing my niece and nephews grow up. It felt very heavy. I started pouring all of my thoughts out before the Lord-the angry ones, the sad ones, the "this isn't fair" ones, the "I'm scared ones." I came to Him with all my messy thoughts and He met me there. And He listened. This created in me a cycle of dependency on Him, my Sustainer, my Helper, my Healer, my Savior, and this dependency really never left. Over the duration of waiting on answers from the doctors, the Holy Spirit breathed freedom into my soul. I no longer felt impending doom. I no longer felt like I would be missing out. I no longer felt the fear of death because I had the sweet assurance that one day with Jesus is better than 1,000 elsewhere (Psalm 84:10). God could have "just healed my body," but He chose to drastically heal my soul too and I am forever grateful. 

Peace in Christ Alone

March 15, 2010. The night before I had open heart surgery. Many would assume that I'd be anxious about the morning, anxious about the little tumor camping out on my mitral valve, the little tumor that 3 weeks prior had caused a mini-stroke. But I wasn’t. I surprised to recognize those feelings weren’t there, but instead replaced with an all-consuming peace. 

I'd been overwhelmed in the days prior, but this night was different. I sensed the Holy Spirit's power in that room helping me place my trust in the One who had carried me through time and time again. There was a stillness and a quiet confidence in my heart. I knew that whatever was on the other side of this surgery, whether life, death or any further medical complications, God was with me. I was not alone. God was keeping me. This wasn't a cliche statement I told myself, but something I believed in the deepest parts of my soul. No disease, no sickness, and not even death could snatch me from His mighty hands. 

8 hours before surgery I wrote, "I fell on my knees in the room of my cold hospital floor, weeping with great joy for just how much God is taking care of me. It still seems unreal that I will be having open heart surgery tomorrow. Although I do not know completely why things in my life have unfolded as they have, I do know the King of the Universe. I know the One who holds the world in the palm of his hand, and He knows me, and for that very reason and that reason alone, my heart is at rest & I have peace." If we are grappling to find peace from our current circumstances we will always be left wanting.

Jesus Christ told His disciples in John 16:33, 'I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have trouble. But take heart; I have overcome the world.' I have not mastered finding peace in Christ alone all day 24/7, but the Holy Spirit is kind to help me remember. I'm learning throughout this season of uncertainty the sweetness that comes through remembering who the keeper of my soul is. Because when I remember who the keeper of my soul is, the unknowns in this life don't seem quite as scary because I know my soul is safe & secure in my Heavenly Father's arms.

Remembering God is Greater Than Covid-19

After 430 years in slavery (Exodus 12:40), God delivered the Israelites out of Egypt and out from under Pharaoh's rule in a mighty display of His power, dominion and glory. He sent 10 horrendous plagues and parted the Red Sea allowing the Israelites to escape from slavery into freedom. When they were hungry God made bread fall from the sky-literally (Exodus 16:4). But, they quickly forgot, worried, complained and traded in the promises of God for broken cisterns that could not satisfy. 

I previously read through the book of Exodus with a critical and judgmental spirit regarding the Israelites journey. Do they not get it? Don't they know that God will always take care of them? Have they completely forgotten what He just did and what He will continue to do? But things have changed. In our world and in my heart.

I don't think it's a coincidence that I'm chronologically reading through the Bible right now and just so happen to be reading through the book of Exodus. I think God planned it this way. Now reading through Exodus my heart feels empathy towards the Israelites.  Although I can't relate to the Israelites's fear of where their water and food would come from, here lately my thoughts have been filled with a lot of "what-if" scenarios regarding Covid-19. I have seen more in common with myself and the Israelites over the past month than I have in my entire life. When this unexpected-to-us-circumstance (COVID-19) swept over our world and nation, worry began having a little party inside my heart and mind, leading me to forget, momentarily, about God's promises.

Francis Chan refers to the forgetfulness of God's promises and provisions as spiritual amnesia, an epidemic that none of us are immune to. You may be thinking, "If spiritual amnesia is inevitable than what can I do?" The author of Hebrews continually reminded them, "We must pay the most careful attention, therefore, to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away (Hebrews 2:1). And again in Hebrews 3:6 and 3:14 he encourages them to "hold onto their original confidence." Why would the author continually remind the Israelites to hold onto what they already know to be true?  He knew they needed to be continually reminded to 1) remember who God is 2) remember what God has said 3) remember what God has done. The author of Hebrews knew the antidote for spiritual amnesia: remembering.

1. Remembering who God is. My almost 4year old daughter reminded me the importance of this a few nights ago. We were sitting on her bed getting ready to pray and she said, "Dear God, please make my boo-boo on my little finger all better. Okay I know you did. Thank you. Amen." What does this tell us about how she views the character God? She is praying to Him because she knows He will listen. He is a good listener. She is asking him to do something she knows He can do. He will make her boo-boo better. He is healer. She is speaking to Him like she is familiar with Him, like this isn't the first time she has come to Him. She knows He is a loving, good Father. I could go on and on about the characteristics of God, but one of my favorites to meditate on throughout the day has been, "God is Most High" (Psalm 83:18).  It has provided comfort to my soul to remember that God is the supreme ruler over all things and nothing, not even Covid-19 can knock Him of His throne. He is greater. 

2. Remembering what God has said. As a Christian, spending time with God in His word and through prayer are vital to your spiritual health. But, how can you remember what you do not know? In light of everything going on with Covid-19 it has been a struggle for me to prioritize my schedule in such a way that allows for time in the Word and prayer. I'm more exhausted physically, emotionally and spiritually. It has been a daily fight. But I will continue fighting to open my Bible even when I don't "feel like it" because I know my soul needs to be fed with God's truth. If you are feeling anything like me during this time let one of your main prayers be that God would create in you a heart that longs to continue drinking up His Word even when (and especially when) you don't feel like it. Why? Because we are no different than the Israelites. We are prone to forget and we need His daily reminders pointing to His truth and promises. 

Rich promises like:

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."
-Isaiah 43:2

"And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:19"

”Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High  will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress,my God, in whom I trust.’Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge;his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." Psalm 91:4

3. Remembering what God has done.  In Joshua 3 we see how God, once again, parted the waters which provided access for the Israelites to walk through the Jordan River onto dry land.  They placed 12 stones from the riverbed and stacked them on the other side (Joshua 4), which served as a reminder to them and others of God's faithfulness and provision.  I believe God places "Stones of Remembrance" in our life because He knows we are prone to forget. Remembering what God has done in our past, give us hope and confidence to trust Him with our future. Can you think of any "stones of remembrance" in your life or perhaps a time you remember where God was with you in a very tangible way?

-Remember how God sustained you through a very difficult time.
-Remember how God healed you or a loved one from physical illness.
-Remember how God saved you from your sin and brought you into new life.
-Remember how God provided for you in a very specific way.
-Remember how God comforted you through a time of loss.

Our children cry in the middle of the night because they know mommy and daddy are coming to check on them. My son runs towards me with arms wide open from across the room because he is confident that I won't let him fall. How can they be so sure that we will follow through? Our children know us and their confidence in our response comes through remembering. 

Although there has been a great deal of uncertainty surrounding Covid-19 one thing we know for sure is this: we know the One who knows all things. When I get overwhelmed with the fear of what lies in front of me I like to think of God, as my loving Father, holding me on his shoulders, high above the crashing waves. In this time of unknown my prayer for you is that you would remember to remember.  Remember who God is. Remember what God has said. Remember what God has done. As stories of God's faithfulness come to mind, I hope it will provide you with the hope, strength and confidence you need to trust Him through the unknown and uncertainty in front of us. 

Joy In Our Hearts

I keep on thinking the kids will get tired of going to the monastery, but they never do. They always find “something more” that intrigues them. They experience pure joy from running down the hill and greeting the geese at the bottom of the lake. They squeal when they see the water fountain from across the field and start running towards it screaming, “waterfall!!!” ⁣⁣
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Each time they go I think they enjoy it a little more. Each time we go they help us discover something new that maybe our eyes missed the time before. Yesterday we noticed the sky blue stained glass windows in the church. This time we found a courtyard with a “secret garden.” ⁣⁣
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As we were walking outside the kids were skipping in front of me, giggling as they experienced the joy of discovering “something more” at the monastery. To my surprise they were not bored. They were not unimpressed. They were giddy and curious, completely amused by their surroundings. ⁣⁣
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Much like God does, He is always teaching me spiritual lessons through my little ones. On the drive home a quote from Sam Storms came to mind. “Worship without wonder is lifeless and boring. Many have lost their sense of awe and amazement when it comes to God. Having begun with the arrogant presumption of knowing about God all that one can, they reduce Him to manageable terms and confine Him to a tidy theological box, the dimensions of which conform to their predilections of what a god ought to be and do."⁣⁣
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God isn’t boring. God isn’t dull. But I think the way some of us live others assume Christianity is stale and old. I have been praying that God would restore to me the childlike wonder and curiosity in knowing Him and being known by Him. The same One who put the stars in the sky and nourishes the earth with rain, desires a relationship with you and me. The same⁣⁣ One who created the very fiber of our DNA and fashioned cells together to form human beings, desires a relationship with you and me. There is nothing dull about that. Let’s ask God to light that fire in our hearts, and help us be excited and joyful Christians who spread the love and light of Jesus everywhere we go. 

10 Years After Open-Heart Surgery

Yesterday, I logged into an old blog of mine from 2010. I had begun writing it as a means to keep my family and friends updated on my health. In February of that year I had a mini-stroke that lead to a dozen specialists conducting dozens of tests on a seemingly healthy 22 year old girl. After a week of tests and rarely being allowed to leave my hospital bed, the puzzle was finally solved. A tumor was sitting on my mitral valve and a tiny piece of the tumor had broken off and made it's way up to my brain, causing a mini-stroke.

Last night I stayed up pretty late reading all the posts I wrote before and after my surgery. And I was amazed. I was amazed to read about the work God was doing in my heart as I was walking through so many unknowns. I was amazed to read about all the prayer warriors that were interceding for healing on my behalf. I was amazed at the kindness and tender care provided from the hospital staff, friends, family and even strangers. As I was reading through each post I had flashbacks of that 22 year old sitting on those itchy, bleach white hospital sheets waiting to learn what her future would hold.

Doctors and nurses were in and out of my room the entire week. They were drawing blood, taking me for another MRI and other various tests. There was discussion about what type of valve replacement I would require. There were explanations for how the medication I may need would affect my fertility. There were even talks of how, if I choose a certain valve, I would require another open heart surgery in 8-10 years. The surgery itself, and what doctors would find, was not altogether known. They explained that during open heart surgery they would stop my heart and that I would be kept alive through a bypass machine. 

It would have been completely understandable if I was paralyzed with fear. But I wasn't. Yes, I was scared at times, but I wasn't consumed by it. And last night as I was reading through every word of every post, one thing was very evident: Christ was sustaining me. I wasn't an insanely strong human being and I didn’t just pull myself up by my boot straps and keep chugging along. But I had an entire army of brothers and sisters pleading with Lord on my behalf. They were praying for my physical healing. They were also praying that He would be my peace, hope and source of strength and that in all things God would be glorified. It was His grace overflowing into every corner of my heart that enabled me to trust Him. His loving and gracious hand was holding me above the raging waters. It wasn't that I was oblivious to my surroundings; I just had this peace-filled confidence. I knew that regardless of what was on the other side of this surgery, I was safe and secure in the shadow of His wings.

I had this overwhelming sense that someone else needed this reminder today. I know I did. Whatever you are going through right now - relationship challenges, parenting issues, financial hardships, health issues, grieving a loss, dealing with uncertainty and doubt - God will sustain you. That’s worth repeating. God sustains those who trust in Him. Dear friend, you also weren’t created to walk this road alone. Reach out to a friend and ask for them to pray with you. Prayer changes things. I’m a walking example.

With Love,
Kelly

I Want More of You God

Roman and Ruby have entered another level of what I like to call, "Mommy, I want to be near you every second of every single day." From am to pm, I think they would love if they could live their toddler lives glued (literally) to my hip. When they get up in the morning Ruby says, "Mommy, can I hold you?" and Roman asks, "Mommy, can you snuggle for me?" When I leave the room for one second and come back, Roman jumps into my lap and says, "Oh mommy, I missed you so much!"

One of my prayers to God everyday for the past few months has been, "I want more of you God." I have spent so much time on my hands and knees praying that God would grow my heart closer to His. I find it interesting in this season where I have been asking this from God, that He has granted me little reminders right in front of me of the type of desire I have been pleading for God to grow in my heart towards Him. I know I'm not God, so I am not equoting my relationship with my children to mine with my heavenly Father, but it has definitely served as a reminder to me.

They just want to be near their mommy. They just want to sit in my lap. They just want me to sing them another song. They just want to hear me say, "I love you." They just want to spend time with me. They just want more of me.

Sometimes, for many of us, we think of God as being disconnected from His children emotionally. But that is a lie. After all, God created all of our emotions and He isn't immune to having them. He is very much in tune with His affections towards His children and let me tell you His love is BIG for us.

In our pursuit of knowledge about God we can be tempted to forget the original purpose in the pursuit. "If our learning and knowledge of God doesn't lead to the joyful praise of God, we have failed" (Sam Storms). In other words if our theology of God doesn't create in us a heart that wants to spend more time with Jesus and sit in His presence, if it doesn't set a fire in our hearts to joyfully pursue more of God, than that "gaining of knowledge" is in vain and self-serving. Thank goodness for His grace upon grace because I'm guilty of doing this. And yet even still, I'm thankful for God's faithfulness to me and giving me these sweet, snuggly little reminders that just want to sit in mommy's lap. Oh Father, that I could have those childlike affections towards you.

Adoption Story: Cody + Bristi

I remember the very first time I spoke with Bristi on the phone. She was kind, funny, friendly, and so open about their life and how they came to the adoption process. We instantly bonded over the fact that both of our husband’s were in the ministry! Cody and Bristi were chosen by their son’s birth mother 6 months after their home study was completed. They brought their son, Cainan, home with them a few months later. It was such a joy and an honor to walk with them through the adoption process. Bristi has shared their adoption story with such honesty and vulnerability. I know you will be encouraged as you read her words below.

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Before my husband and I ever talked about marriage we talked about how we wanted to adopt one day. I (Bristi) have wanted to adopt for as long as I can remember. After having 3 biological children, we felt that God was encouraging us to start the adoption process. We had absolutely no idea where to start. God placed a couple of families in our church that had used Christian Adoption Consultants, so we decided to look into that. After we applied we got a phone call from Kelly Todd. We honestly had no clue what we were doing and Kelly was so patient and able to answer all of our questions and help guide us through the process. We used CAC for all of our paperwork and to create our profile book, which was a huge help! Any questions we had when it came to whether or not to present to a situation were answered and we never felt like we needed to doubt the advice that was given us. Kelly made it feel like we were talking to a close friend who had been through this before and knew the ins and outs of it all.

We went active in April and had high hopes of being matched quickly. After the first “no” we started to doubt that any expectant mom would choose us because we already had 3 biological children. Satan likes to use any seed of doubt he can. We presented to three or four situations and all of them were “no’s” and we started to doubt that God had even called us to adopt. We received a situation over a holiday weekend while we were out of town. When we saw it, we both immediately wanted to present. That next week we got a phone call from the agency and I answered my phone, expecting a no, but instead were told she had chosen us! I was speechless and couldn’t hold the tears back. I called my husband who was at work and we both sat on the phone in silent shock. Although the wait wasn’t easy, we knew that God’s timing was perfect. After the shock wore off we remember being nervous and excited all at the same time! We got the opportunity to Skype with our son’s birth mom a few times before heading down to meet them in December for his birth.

The waiting period leading up to December was not easy and had plenty of emotions to go with it, but it was nothing compared to the birth of our son. There were so many ups and downs. I was honored to be in the delivery room with our son’s birth mom for the c-section. I will always keep those moments etched into my mind as they are very sacred and special. Seeing our son’s birth mother make one of the most difficult decisions of her life was heart wrenching.

During this time we wanted to make sure she knew how amazing and strong she was regardless of what she decided, as we knew he wasn’t our son until consents were signed. That time of waiting was more difficult than we anticipated. Our case worker at the agency was great at helping us to know when to be with our son’s birth mom and when to let her have her time. We were able to have our own room in the hospital, which was such a sweet blessing.

The day she was supposed to sign was such a difficult day. We knew it was going to be extremely hard for her. Kelly was so sweet to be on standby to pray. We were a nervous wreck. Knowing that the sweet baby boy that we had grown to love more than anything in the last two days could potentially not be ours was almost more than we could handle, but at the same time we couldn’t even imagine all of the heavy emotions she was going through. But then we got the call. We got the call from our case worker saying that she had signed and we could come get our son from the hospital. It was surreal walking back into the hospital after everything that had happened that day, but everyone was so accommodating and compassionate towards us that all of the nervous, anxious feeling we had melted away.

Words fail to express how grateful we are for our son’s birth mother. The love she has shown us has been incredible. We are blown away by her strength and selflessness. We truly love our son’s birth mother and see her as a part of our family. She has given us the sweetest, most wonderful gift we could have ever dreamed of. We have an open adoption and get messages from her around every 3 months. We plan to visit her after the new year. Our son, Cainan, has been such a blessing to our entire family. Our kids love being his big brother and sister! He is so loved!

A big thank you to CAC and Kelly Todd for walking with us through this journey. If you are considering adoption and don’t know where to start, start with CAC. The guidance you will receive is priceless. The process is overwhelming and can be very stressful at times, but in the end it is more than worth it and with CAC by your side it helps share the load. We would do it all again if God calls us to, and we wouldn’t hesitate to use CAC!

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***If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me, Kelly Todd, at kelly@christianadoptionconsultants.com and check out Christian Adoption Consultants for more information!***

Running To Jesus With Childlike Faith

The other day I’m not sure exactly what happened or who was responsible (the story of a twin toddler mama’s life, really). My best guess is that Roman chucked a dinosaur at Ruby because they were fighting over who got to play with the T-rex or “daddy dinosaur,” as my son refers to it. Ruby came screaming into the kitchen with tears running down her cheeks and one hand holding the other for me to examine, “Hurt my hand, mama. Make it better?” I got down on both knees, looked into her beautiful brown eyes and asked, “What happened, baby?” Through tears streaming down her face and a runny nose she explained, “Bubby hurt it.” I knew exactly what she wanted. She came to mama because she remembered that mama always kisses her boo-boos and makes them better. And so, I did what I always do when sissy gets a boo-boo. I kissed her little hand and said, “All better now.” She repeated with a big smile, while wiping her tears with her little kiss-mended hand, “All better now! Thanks Mama!”

Last night Roman tripped over a gate in our living room and came crying to me with his arms wide open, waiting for me to pick him up, waiting for me to wipe his tears, as he whimpered “hold me, mama.” In that moment, nothing would do but his mama-not his nigh, nigh, not his daddy dinosaur, not his Cruz 3 car toy, not even his favorite movie, “The Land Before Time.” In that moment, Roman knew that the only thing that would make his boo-boo better, the only thing that would calm his fears, was letting me scoop him up into my arms, kiss his wet cheeks and wipe his tears.

My children know who their mommy and daddy are. They know mommy and daddy will comfort them when they are scared. They know mommy and daddy will pick them up when they fall down. They know mommy and daddy will provide for them. They know when mommy and daddy make a promise they will keep it. They know when mommy and daddy say they will do something they can count on it. They know mommy and daddy have their best interest at heart. They know mommy and daddy’s love for them is unconditional and there is nothing on this earth they could ever do or say to lose it. They know mommy and daddy aren’t perfect and they make mistakes, but my children know there is always room for grace and forgiveness.

Our twins fierce confidence and reliance on their father and I continually teach me about the Gospel and my relationship with God. When Roman reaches out for me there is not one doubt or question in his mind that I’m going to pick him up and wrap my arms around him. He is absolutely and 100% certain that I’m going to follow through.

I wish I shared that same unwavering confidence and childlike faith in my heavenly Father. I know that God keeps His promises. I know that God is a good and kind Father, who only has the best in store for His children. I know that He is my peace, my hope, my joy, my comforter, my rock and my sustainer. But sometimes I sense a strong disconnect from what I know to be true in my head and the fickle feelings, pride and fears encompassing my heart. Like Roman, I long to run to my heavenly Father instead of worldly and at best temporary fixes, with complete confidence and trust that God is who He says He is. Because at the end of the day my inability to do so is a mere reflection of my heart and doubt towards the very nature and character of God. If I believe that God is who He says He is, than what prevents me from running to Him, like Ruby, with that childlike trust? Why do I (we) continue running to temporary Band-Aids to fix our boo-boos when we have 24/7 access to the Ultimate Healer, Protector, Redeemer, Comforter, Sustainer, Creator of The Universe, All-Powerful, All-Knowing, Immutable, Merciful, Omnipotent, Grace and Life-Giving Father?

The answer? One three letter word: Sin.

Like a stubborn teenager, who disregards their parents because they mistakenly believe they know it all, we stop running to God and we stop seeking His counsel. And in our pride, arrogance and complacency we attempt to trudge through the waters on our own. We forget. We forget that we are a child in need of our heavenly Father. But, our God never forgets. Our Father knows what we need. He never leaves our side even when we act too big for our britches. He isn’t scared away by our big feelings or when we struggle with unbelief or doubt. He doesn’t shy away when we struggle to come to Him with our boo-boos or our sin. His grace covers all things and His love will never let us go.

So how do we stop running to temporary Band-Aids to fix our boo-boos? How do we run to God with unwavering confidence and complete trust that He is who He says He is? We recognize we can’t do anything a part from the grace that God provides. We repent of our sin. We come to God with our doubt, fears, failures, shortcomings, and yes, our boo-boos, and we lay them all down at the foot of the cross. And then, we ask Him to help us. We ask Him to do what only He can do-help us believe.