My Cancer + Weaknesses (Part 2)

I used to feel defined by my weaknesses. Never feeling good enough. Always feeling different and less than what I was created to be. Physically my body didn't seem to function like it was designed to and I spent the majority of my elementary through high school years feeling ostracized by these differences. Cancer not only left its marks on my body, but it also left me with medical complications that I dealt with every single day. As an adult I'm not immune those issues now. I still deal with them. But overtime I've become more accustomed to them. Most people aren't even able to tell I deal with any of these residuals, because other than the scars on my body from multiple cancer surgeries I look healthy and normal.

But growing up I couldn't feel anything further from that word-”normal.” In fact, I didn't feel like that was a word that belonged to me. As a young child I remember my bedtime prayers were filled with pleas that God would make me "normal like all the other kids". The differentness I felt was exasperated by too many absences from school. So many that a teacher once asked me how I was going to graduate. And to be honest, I had often wondered that myself. Escorted by my nurse from class multiple times a day to take care of these issues, led to further questioning from peers. And I got really tired of answering those questions. Mainly because their curiosity served as a reminder of just how different I felt.

But one day God did heal me. However, His answer didn't come quite like I expected it would. You see, He healed my mind and freed my heart to be at peace with my circumstances. The medical complications that once left me feeling ostracized, like chains holding me down, I learned to recognize as a gift from God. Because not a day goes by where I'm not physically reminded of my weaknesses and my need for Christ. It was through my weaknesses and medical complications and not in their absence that I began asking questions about Jesus. It was through my weaknesses and cancer and not a part from them that I learned of the Gospel and God's love for me-a love that was so big that He sent His Son to die on the cross for my sins so that I could come to know Him and be found in Him. I wish I could say that my faith in those truths remained strong, but unfortunately they wavered. But God was faithful through and through. God was faithful even when I was faithless.

In high school my doctor informed me that I wouldn’t be able to have children biologically. As if dealing with my medical issues weren't enough to make me feel like less of a woman, there was nothing quite like finding out that kids weren't in the cards for me either. My medical issues compiled with the news of my infertility, sent me down a very dark path. I felt broken, alone, anxious and depressed.

Though I could not identify it at the time, the perceptions and expectations that I had for myself, were being shaped and influenced by society. I was looking to the world to help me make sense of my scars, weaknesses and identity. I was looking in the wrong places. It wasn’t until I moved from seeing my weaknesses as the world does and instead looked to Christ and His word to explore their meaning and purpose that healing and freedom came.

In 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 we learn of Paul’s “thorn in the flesh.” Although we don’t know for certain exactly what his thorn is, we know it was a weakness and an ongoing struggle. We know that Paul cried out to God more than once to take it away and we learn right here in 2 Corinthians that the Lord did not fulfill his request. And instead Jesus replied to Paul with: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Paul went on to say, “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Even though Satan would long for Paul’s weaknesses to send him down a very dark path, God had another plan in mind. Jon Bloom with Desiring God says, “God’s grace is more clearly seen and more deeply savored in our weaknesses than our strengths. Our fallen natures crave self-glory. We seek the admiration of others. We love the myth of the superhero because we want to be one. So we want our successes and strengths to be known and our failures and weaknesses hidden. And since strong, competent high achievers earn human admiration, we are tempted to believe that they impress God in a similar way. That’s the last thing Paul wants us to believe. Paul knew better than most that it is not human achievements that showcase the grace of God. It is human helplessness.”

We don’t live in Eden anymore. We live on the other side of the fall where weakness, sickness and sin reside. We are imperfect people in need of His grace. To deny this truth is essentially telling Jesus that what He did on the cross was in vain. Our weaknesses and our shortcomings should move us back to the cross, back to the feet of Jesus, and should serve as a reminder to us that we can’t do this alone. We need God.

Because of my medical conditions and past mental health issues I have felt weak. Because of my infertility I have felt broken. Even though I no longer feel defined by those issues like I once did, sometimes those thoughts will resurface momentarily. And I have to remind myself to look up. I have to remind myself of where my Ultimate source of strength resides-God. My weaknesses keep me closer to the heart of my Father and are constantly pointing me back to the cross.

Perhaps you can relate. Maybe you have been viewing your weaknesses through a wordly lens. Perhaps you, like me, can relate to these feelings of “never measuring up” or “I’ll never be good enough" because you feel like you are drowning in and defined by your weaknesses. But this desire to “measure up” is a very worldly concept. We'll never measure up. If we were enough than Jesus' death on the cross would be in vain and grace would have no purpose in our life. When you have thoughts like, "I'll never be enough" look up. Fix your eyes on Christ. Let those thoughts lead you to the Gospel, to the cross, to His grace that was poured out on your behalf because God knew that apart from Christ you could never measure up. God doesn't need us to have it all together. What God desires from us is to recognize that we don't and look to Christ- the author and perfector of our faith. And as we come to Him in our weakness, He is faithful to complete the work He began in us, sanctifying our hearts and our minds into more of His likeness.

My Cancer + Weaknesses (Part 1)

Cancer Doesn't Win

2018. What. A. Year. I turned 31 yesterday and I can’t believe how quickly the year has come and gone. It was a great year. But a painful one. Last fall we received some unexpected and shocking news: another tumor was found-this time in my leg. Our world was rocked. Test after test, biopsy, surgery, fear, uncertainty, praying and waiting-that’s what the end of last year looked like for our family. I will never forget the conversation with our oncologist: “Cancer, it’s definitely cancer, probably another sarcoma, but it’s proving really hard to diagnose.” There is something scary about being a medical anomaly, as if your body is an unsolvable puzzle. Without the diagnosis we didn’t know what further treatments would be required. We couldn’t move forward. I felt stuck, stuck in a scary place of unknowns, doubt and uncertainty about my future, about my kids future and about our family’s future. 

I was extremely scared. This was my 6th surgery. This was my 6th tumor. I’ve sat in the oncology wing many times before. But something was different this go around. There were 2 other factors in the equation: my son and daughter. My heart ached thinking about how this may affect them. I didn’t want them to see me sick. We prayed every night as a family that recovery would be fast and that God would heal my body completely. God, once again, drew our hearts closer to Him through the cancer.  Hearing my 2.5 year old twins pray unprompted for God to “make mommy’s boo boo better” and as they sang along with me to “Great is Thy Faithfulness” brought me to my knees (and to tears). Even though the surgeon took a fist-sized chunk out of my muscle, I mended up really quickly, with minimal pain and no limitations. He healed my body again! Now I just have another really rad scar-another visible reminder and story of God’s faithfulness. 

Technically we still don’t have a definite answer as to what type of sarcoma was in my leg. And we’ve been told by one of the top pathologists in the country that we may never know. The pathologists were left “stumped.” But, here’s the good news: because the tumor was so small, isolated and they were able to get it all no further treatment was or will be required. God answered our prayers! 

Physically I’m healed. Sometimes I even forget about the surgery unless I see the scar. As Ruby and Roman put it, “Mama’s boo boo all better.” And we are all praising God for that! But emotionally, living without a final diagnosis has proven to be more difficult for me than the surgery itself. I’ve wrestled with God in the dark places. I’ve cried. I’ve struggled with doubt, anger and sadness. But no matter where my thoughts go my heart keeps coming back this this truth: God is Most High. God is not like us. God is not perplexed by this situation. God isn’t in heaven twiddling His thumbs trying to figure out what this “unknown thing” is. He knows. He knows all things. I can’t help but think there is a reason He wants to keep me in this unknown space. And if He wants me to stay here than I can be certain it’s for my good and His glory-even on the days when it doesn’t feel like it. 

There are moments when I get worried. What if the oncologist missed something? What if this cancer that can’t be diagnosed will somehow come back and defeat me? Then, I stop. I breathe. And I remind myself, “God is Most High.” Everything on this earth is subject to God. Even the cancer, even the tumor, even my fears-they all bow down to Him. When worry creeps in I just visualize the cells in my body, the fear in my heart, my doubts, my thoughts, everything bowing down to Creator and The Author of The Universe. 

Regardless of what the future holds, I know God is on His throne. Cancer doesn’t win. Nothing can shake that and nothing can change that. And that’s a good thing for me. And that’s a good thing for everyone. Nothing. Not even the thing you fear the most can knock God off His throne. He is greater.

This has been a painful season. But even so, we have found great pockets of Joy in deep seasons of despair. This has been a time of learning to trust God in the unknown and with no guarantee of an answer. This has been a time of learning to trust God and His promises that are true for me even when the warm fuzzy feelings aren’t there. This has been a time of learning to trust God with my life and our family, knowing that He is the keeper of all things. Corrie ten Boom says it far more eloquently than I ever could, “When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.” So that’s what we continue doing. We continue trusting and sitting in the unknown spaces, trusting that the Master Commander knows exactly what we need and He knows exactly where we are going. 

Overcoming Fear In The New Year

Are you crippled by fear? Are you consumed with worry over losing a loved one? Are you or a loved one struggling with an unresolved health issue? Do you fear failure or the thought that you’ll never be “good enough?” Do you carry around the weight that something bad is going to happen to you? Have you been struggling with infertility and wondering if you will ever get pregnant? Are you weary from the adoption process and wonder if you’ll ever be chosen? Do you stay up late at night worried about your child getting sick? Do you fear losing your job or the inability to provide well for your family? 

I can relate to some of these fears. At times, I’ve felt consumed by them. When I was in my third year of college I had a mini-stroke. It took weeks before we discovered why the seemingly healthy 22 year old suffered one. There was so much uncertainty surrounding those weeks. Test after test, the results of one test would soon lead to another and dozens of doctors from different specialties came in and out of my hospital room asking the same questions. When your health is starting to look more like an anomaly and an unsolvable puzzle, fear can start to creep in. But, God met me in that cold hospital room. God was there with me when I discovered I would be having open-heart surgery due to the tumor growing on my mitral valve. God was there with me when I was told this would affect my ability to have biological children. God was there with me when thoughts and fears of what the outcome of surgery would entail for my future. And as I was looking out the hospital window the night before surgery, my heavenly Father lovingly guided my heart to a place of peace and trust. 

I’ve been brought to my knees many times throughout my life, as I’ve struggled with fear surrounding my circumstances. I wanted to share a little tried and true “road map” for your soul, that’s been extremely helpful to me in fighting and overcoming fear. I pray it brings your weary heart to a place of rest.

1. Share your fears with God. Acknowledge them and lay them all out before Him. Every thought. Every feeling. Don’t hold back. No feeling is too big for Him to handle. I’ve found it helpful for me to even write them down in my journal or say them out loud in prayer.
   
   

2. Remember who your Father is. Ask God to help you remember who He is. Lately I’ve been reminding myself that God is Most High. He is supreme and above all things-our fears, our health issues, our struggles, the unknown. He is bigger. He is greater. 
   
   God is our helper. Psalm 121:1-8
   God is our comforter. Psalm 34:18
   God is our strength. Psalm 46:1 
   God is our hope. Psalm 33:20
   God is our peace. Philippians 4:7
   
   

3. Meditate on God’s promises.We have access to the very Word of God. The Bible says, “All scriptures are God-breathed” (2 Timothy 3). His Word is full of rich truths and promises for His children. I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes it’s a struggle for me to make time to do this. I get so frustrated with myself because I know The Word is exactly what my soul needs. His Word is life giving. His Word is transformative. His Word is powerful. His Word speaks truth to your fears. In a world that is vying for our attention and our time, in a world that is spitting lies into our face, we need to fight for time in God’s word. It must be a priority. But first we must ask God to do what only He can: create in us a desire to read it. Through the years I’ve realized this is not something I can do a part from God’s grace. 
   

   Isaiah 41: 10 “ So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
   
   Psalm 91:4 “He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.”
   
   Philippians 4:19 “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.”
   
   Psalm 23: 4 “Even though I walk through the darkest valley,I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.’’
   
   

4. Reflect on the times you’ve seen God’s faithfulness in your life and in the lives of others. When you are struggling with fear it can be very tempting to go inward and get stuck in your head. Reflecting on God’s faithfulness can remind your heart to hope, as you remember all the ways that God has provided for your family and others. 
   
   

5. Ask God what He wants you to learn through this. Fear can be a byproduct of the unknown. But, God wastes nothing. Asking God to help me find His purpose through this “thing” I fear most, the pain, the unknowns and suffering (and not a part from them) has been transformative for my soul. 

Cancer multiple times, health issues, open-heart surgery, infertility, miscarriage-I know what it’s like to be overwhelmed with fear and the unknown. I know what it’s like to feel like you are drowning in your circumstances. But, it was through these challenges I became more keenly aware of my need for something bigger than myself. It was through the fire (not a part from it) that I came to know the depths of God’s grace, love and kindness and learned there is no end to it. Joni Erickson Tada said it well, “My weakness, that is, my quadriplegia, is my greatest asset because it forces me into the arms of Christ every single morning when I get up.” Pray that God would help you see His purpose through the unknown, through the struggle, through the pain.   

Does fear still creep in? Absolutely. Some days more than others. But the trials I’ve encountered earth side have kept me closer to Jesus, right underneath His wings, which I’m continually reminded is the safest and the best place for me to be.  When you know your soul is secure in Jesus Christ, ultimately nothing can overcome you-not even the thing you fear most. You can look that “thing” you fear most straight in the eyes and say with complete confidence, “My God is bigger.”  

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 8:38-39

Running To Jesus With Childlike Faith

The other day I’m not sure exactly what happened or who was responsible (the story of a twin toddler mama’s life, really). My best guess is that Roman chucked a dinosaur at Ruby because they were fighting over who got to play with the T-rex or “daddy dinosaur,” as my son refers to it. Ruby came screaming into the kitchen with tears running down her cheeks and one hand holding the other for me to examine, “Hurt my hand, mama. Make it better?” I got down on both knees, looked into her beautiful brown eyes and asked, “What happened, baby?” Through tears streaming down her face and a runny nose she explained, “Bubby hurt it.” I knew exactly what she wanted. She came to mama because she remembered that mama always kisses her boo-boos and makes them better. And so, I did what I always do when sissy gets a boo-boo. I kissed her little hand and said, “All better now.” She repeated with a big smile, while wiping her tears with her little kiss-mended hand, “All better now! Thanks Mama!”

Last night Roman tripped over a gate in our living room and came crying to me with his arms wide open, waiting for me to pick him up, waiting for me to wipe his tears, as he whimpered “hold me, mama.” In that moment, nothing would do but his mama-not his nigh, nigh, not his daddy dinosaur, not his Cruz 3 car toy, not even his favorite movie, “The Land Before Time.” In that moment, Roman knew that the only thing that would make his boo-boo better, the only thing that would calm his fears, was letting me scoop him up into my arms, kiss his wet cheeks and wipe his tears.

My children know who their mommy and daddy are. They know mommy and daddy will comfort them when they are scared. They know mommy and daddy will pick them up when they fall down. They know mommy and daddy will provide for them. They know when mommy and daddy make a promise they will keep it. They know when mommy and daddy say they will do something they can count on it. They know mommy and daddy have their best interest at heart. They know mommy and daddy’s love for them is unconditional and there is nothing on this earth they could ever do or say to lose it. They know mommy and daddy aren’t perfect and they make mistakes, but my children know there is always room for grace and forgiveness.

Our twins fierce confidence and reliance on their father and I continually teach me about the Gospel and my relationship with God. When Roman reaches out for me there is not one doubt or question in his mind that I’m going to pick him up and wrap my arms around him. He is absolutely and 100% certain that I’m going to follow through.

I wish I shared that same unwavering confidence and childlike faith in my heavenly Father. I know that God keeps His promises. I know that God is a good and kind Father, who only has the best in store for His children. I know that He is my peace, my hope, my joy, my comforter, my rock and my sustainer. But sometimes I sense a strong disconnect from what I know to be true in my head and the fickle feelings, pride and fears encompassing my heart. Like Roman, I long to run to my heavenly Father instead of worldly and at best temporary fixes, with complete confidence and trust that God is who He says He is. Because at the end of the day my inability to do so is a mere reflection of my heart and doubt towards the very nature and character of God. If I believe that God is who He says He is, than what prevents me from running to Him, like Ruby, with that childlike trust? Why do I (we) continue running to temporary Band-Aids to fix our boo-boos when we have 24/7 access to the Ultimate Healer, Protector, Redeemer, Comforter, Sustainer, Creator of The Universe, All-Powerful, All-Knowing, Immutable, Merciful, Omnipotent, Grace and Life-Giving Father?

The answer? One three letter word: Sin.

Like a stubborn teenager, who disregards their parents because they mistakenly believe they know it all, we stop running to God and we stop seeking His counsel. And in our pride, arrogance and complacency we attempt to trudge through the waters on our own. We forget. We forget that we are a child in need of our heavenly Father. But, our God never forgets. Our Father knows what we need. He never leaves our side even when we act too big for our britches. He isn’t scared away by our big feelings or when we struggle with unbelief or doubt. He doesn’t shy away when we struggle to come to Him with our boo-boos or our sin. His grace covers all things and His love will never let us go.

So how do we stop running to temporary Band-Aids to fix our boo-boos? How do we run to God with unwavering confidence and complete trust that He is who He says He is? We recognize we can’t do anything a part from the grace that God provides. We repent of our sin. We come to God with our doubt, fears, failures, shortcomings, and yes, our boo-boos, and we lay them all down at the foot of the cross. And then, we ask Him to help us. We ask Him to do what only He can do-help us believe.

To My Daughter: More Than Just A Pretty Face

Lies have been infiltrating the thoughts of women for centuries now. Some of the lies are: "If I become more successful or make a name for myself I'll be happy. If my life looked more like hers or if I had that job I’d be happy. If I were married or if I could get pregnant I'd be happy. If I could lose a few pounds I'd be happy." I've sat across from many successful and beautiful women. The world would say, "Their life must be perfect. They have it all: beauty, job, husband, children, etc." More times than not each of these women have bravely shared with me about their struggles and the lies they fight not to be consumed by. The lies that tell them they aren't ________ enough- not successful enough, not worthy enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not a good enough wife, mother, friend, employee etc.

Satan is the king of the “Lie Factory." Since the beginning of time (literally), he’s aggressively been trying to lure women into doubting that what God says in His word is true. It all started in the garden. "Did God really say that?" Not all that much has changed. Satan still roams around like a roaring lion plotting to devour little Eves through lies about ourselves, God and others. He wants us to question God’s promises. He wants us to think we aren't worthy enough for God’s word to hold any value for us. He wants us to be so focused on ourselves and consumed by our insecurities and self-perceived failures that we forget God’s ultimate purpose for our life-to make much of Him.

I believe Satan uses  "the comparison trap" as his biggest ally.  I remember falling into that deadly game dating back to middle school. The scars left on my body from cancer and the health issues I battled as a result made me feel so different from my peers and seemed to be in stark contrast to how I perceived the world to define a woman. And so, all though my teenage years and early college, I permitted others opinion’s of what is beautiful, valuable and worthy to define me. And so when I examined my life, I felt in many ways that I didn’t measure up. Through years of therapy, prayer and being really honest with those closest to me, I experienced freedom from the lies that used to torment me. And as God’s word transformed my mind, I came to realize how God would use all things in my life for my good and to bring glory to His name.

But, I’m not too far removed from that time that I’m not distinctively and overwhelming aware of the societal pressures placed on women. Even though I have experienced freedom, I still feel the pull sometimes towards those worldly standards and the lies that once consumed me. And it is because of my experience and knowledge that raising a daughter in this generation gravely concerns me at times.

Lately, when my 2-year gets up in the morning she has been proclaiming as soon as I walk in the room, "Morning, Mama! Hey, I a princess!" The other day I was cooking dinner and Ruby found a picture of her and her twin brother and brought it to me and pointed to herself, “Hey, I’m pretty!” I smile, as I know she has been listening to every single word we say.

In a world that is telling little girls and women of all ages, “you’re not enough" and "you’ll never measure up,” I want my daughter to know that her value extends way beyond what she sees in the mirror. Do I want my daughter to know she is beautiful? Absolutely. But most importantly, I want my little girl to be confident in the very person God uniquely made her to be. I want so much more for Ruby than self-confidence with her reflection in the mirror. I want her to know she is fearfully and wonderfully made and that God has a wonderful plan for her life.  In an ever-changing world of social media, standards and perfection, I long for her to know that the one thing that never changes, the one thing that remains constant is God's unconditional love for her. In a world that is telling everyone that their value is found in what social media thinks about them, their appearance, employment or martial status, I want my daughter to not be fooled by this notion.

My prayer is that Ruby would know for certain that beauty isn't just found in a pretty face. Rather, beauty comes in many forms-extending kindness, love and patience towards others, using the mind to bring about change in this world, being a strong voice for the oppressed and those who can’t speak for themselves, using humor to make others laugh, befriending those who don’t “fit in,” or using talents to bless someone. Instead of focusing all of her time and attention on cultivating outwardly beauty, my prayer is she would invest her time and energy in cultivating a beautiful soul, which can't be done a part from Christ.

Some of the most beautiful people I’ve met had one trait in common: they cared less about what others think of them and invested their time directing others towards the ultimate source and creator of beauty-God. The National Geographic listed Antelope Island State Park in Syracuse, Utah as home to one of the most beautiful summer sunsets in the world. After a long day of traveling to this glorious spot, would it make any sense to pull out a mirror to look at yourself just as the sun is setting?  No, that would be considered foolishness. As the gorgeous colors were filling up the sky you would stand in awe and you would stare. You would realize the magnitude of beauty that is right before your eyes, as you point to your friends, “Wow! Look at that. Isn’t it the most beautiful sunset you’ve ever seen?”

Many of us have become so consumed by our insecurities and shortcomings that we forget our ultimate calling on this earth-to bring glory to God. We are constantly in the presence of the creator of beauty, the One who spoke the stars and sky into existence, and yet like the person pulling out their mirror during the most beautiful summer sunset, we forget. We forget that our calling on this earth isn’t to make a name for ourselves, but rather to move all attention and honor to Jesus. Do I still struggle with insecurities? Absolutely. But now I know where to fix my eyes-the author and perfector of my faith, Jesus Christ. God has the power to redeem us, transform our thinking and make us more like His Son, through His grace that was poured out for us. We forget because we stop looking at Christ. We forget because we look to other things and only find momentary satisfaction. In a world that is screaming, “Hey, look at me, look at me,” I want my daughter to know where her value comes from and to be able to say with confidence, “No, look at Him. Look at Christ.”

As mothers, this starts with us. If we long for our daughters to be confident that their purpose on this earth goes far beyond trivial things, than we have to lead by example. What is my daughter observing that I place my value in? Is she seeing that I treasure Christ above all else? Is she hearing me speak words of life and truth into our home?  Is she hearing mommy speak well of herself and other women? Or is she seeing a mama who is swayed by opinions and expectations of this world? I know for certain that our daughters are watching. They watching and they are listening. After all, my two-year-old daughter knows she’s a princess. I wonder who she heard that from?

Anxiety: How God Used It For My Good

Wouldn't it be great if we could just snap our fingers and by doing so all of our present concerns and worries would just be eliminated into thin air? As a self-professed "professional" worrier, I've often thought about how great it would be if someone had a "worry wand" where they could just zap away all of my anxieties with the flip of the wrist. Am I the only one who has thought this? I mean, wouldn't that be awesome?

As a childhood cancer survivor, I dealt with medical complications on a daily basis related to the treatments and surgeries I received. I still deal with some of those issues today, but they’ve become as normal to me as breathing air into my lungs. As a little girl, however, they were a great source of embarrassment, anxiety, and sickness. Throughout elementary school I had to be excused from class by my nurse multiple times a day to take care of these issues. Kids were curious and I would get nervous about how to answer their questions about where I was going or what I was doing. I was sick often all throughout school, constantly concerned about making up tests, missed assignments and how I would ever graduate. Although I participated in many extracurricular activities, there were times I was nervous and constantly on edge about whether or not these medical issues would flare up during an event or a performance-and a few times they did.

When I was younger I tried to convince myself through “pep talks” not to worry over these things. The more I told myself not to worry, the more I became consumed by anxiety-ridden thoughts. I had stored up Bible verses in my heart such as “Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink...” (Matthew 6) but I was conflicted because I was worried and I really didn’t know where to go from there. Even though I was a believer and clung tightly to promises that God was in control, He was keeping me, He hadn’t forsaken me, He had a plan for all things-I wasn’t immune to fear.

Six months after my husband and I started dating I was diagnosed again with cancer. There was a lot of unknowns and uncertainty surrounding my diagnosis. I was initially told by one of the top hospitals in the US that it was a very aggressive type of cancer and would require an immediate and intense chemotherapy regimin. But they weren’t 100% sure of the diagnosis so we opted to get another opinion. While waiting for further tests to be concluded, we took a family vacation to Florida to get away and enjoy the sunshine. I was so fearful about what my future would hold-would I even have one? I had read Matthew 6 about a thousand times at that point, about how I shouldn’t worry, but my faulty understanding of those verses left me struggling with guilt and condemnation over the anxiety I had. Can anyone relate to that?

One morning I woke up early before my family and stepped out onto the balcony of our condo. The morning sun greeted me and I just took in one big deep breath and exhaled, “I’m scared God. I’m so scared. Help me.” As I turned around to go back inside, a little yellow bird caught my eye. It was sunbathing on a white chair on our balcony. I knelt down to get a closer look and held out my hands. Assuming the little guy would fly away, I was surprised when he jumped right into my hands as if he belonged there. I thought back to Matthew 6 and realized my faulty understanding of those passages had been influencing the way I dealt with fear and anxiety. 

Jesus wasn’t telling the people not to worry in the absence of worry. That would be absurd! He wasn't telling them to pick themselves up by their bootstraps, get rid of all of their anxiety and then come to Him. Jesus was telling them not to worry because He knew them well. He knew they were prone to struggle with anxiety and fear. He knew they were prone to forget God’s promises. But, you see, He didn’t just stop with a an empty suggestion. He pointed them towards their heavenly Father. “Don’t worry about your life…Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them (Matthew 6:25-26) Then, He reminded them that they are more valuable then these things. If God provided for these things, would He not also provide for them? Through studying the scriptures I learned I wasn’t alone in my anxiety and contrary to my initial interpretation, I wasn’t any “less of a Christian” because I struggled with it.

Just as I had learned to recognize that God has used my physical weaknesses to remind me of my need for a Savior, he has used (and continues to use) the anxiety in my life to draw me closer to Him. My worry throughout the years has led me into a dialogue of prayer with God. My struggles with anxiety have actually pushed me closer to the Lord because I am constantly aware of my great need for Him. Instead of trying to “self-help” my way out of anxiety, instead of trying to ignore it and act like it isn’t there (come on, we’ve all done that), I’ve learned to do what the author says in Psalm 55, “Cast all your cares on the Lord.” And God has met me there. God has met me in my honesty, and in my vulnerability and in my tears, and in my mess. He has met in my fear and in those dark places where I felt outnumbered by my thoughts. He picked me up and breathed life, His Word, into my lungs and He sustained me. And He continues to do so everyday.

If God hadn’t renewed my perspective through His word when He did, and if I hadn’t been able to see, through His grace, how He was using all of these difficult trials for my good and His glory, I know for certain I wouldn’t be equipped to handle the journey before me. It’s not that worry, doubt and sadness don’t exist anymore. They do. How could they not? I’m human. It’s just I’ve learned where to take with these feelings when they come pouring in-to the foot of the cross. And I’ve never been turned away. Christ always meets me where I am and greets me with His grace, truth and unconditional love. And He offers the same to you, my friend.

The Flood Will Not Consume You

Two years ago today I wrote a post on the The Great Flood of 2016 that hit our home and community in Denham Springs, Louisiana (see below). Last week I wrote a post on the importance of looking back on what God has done in our life to give us strength and confidence to trust Him with our present circumstances and future. This is me practicing what I preach...

Six weeks after we adopted our twins, the Great Flood of 2016 hit our community and our home in Denham Springs, Louisiana.  The Washington Post stated that this flood dumped three times as much rain on Louisiana as Hurricane Katrina. According to the Red Cross, this was the “worst US disaster since Hurricane Sandy,” and FEMA reported that over 150,000 homeowners/renters applied for assistance.

Moments leading up to the evacuation I was cooking chicken fajitas for Obbie and I. While I was feeding our boy I looked out the front door and noticed the water line had risen quite considerably. At the time I wasn’t nervous because we weren’t in a flood zone. I showed Obbie and he went out to talk with all of the neighbors who had gathered at the edge of their driveways. When I stuck my head out the door, I saw Obbie’s face from a distance. I will never forget the concerned look on his face. I knew it wasn’t good. He came back inside and said, “Kelly, we need to pack everything up. The water will probably be entering our house soon.” I started crying. I didn’t want to leave. This was our home.

I couldn’t find a suitcase so I brought a large empty black trunk and dragged it into the twins room. As I walked in, I began to tear up. I had spent so much time preparing, decorating, dreaming and hoping in this room. As I began stuffing all of their clothes and diapers into the trunk I looked to the right and saw the huge frame that read, “I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him…” I turned it around and saw all of the names I had hand written with a sharpie marker-probably 500 or more. Every single person who helped us bring our babies home has a place in our hearts and on the back of the frame. I hoped that it would serve as a future reminder to our children of just how loved they are-not just by us but by an entire community! Little did I know that on Saturday, August 13, 2016 the Lord would use something I had intended for my children to minister to me. In those scary moments I felt like He was saying, “trust me with this Kelly…remember how I brought you through the other storms and valleys…remember…even when you can’t make sense of what is going on…trust me…”

We threw as much as as we could into the back of our neighbor’s big white truck. Although I don’t remember a lot from that day, I will never forget the drive. At that point the water was so high I could feel it splash my face. And as I looked down at the twins I began to cry as we slowly waded through the water.  There were moments when I felt like I was in a nightmare and I just wanted to wake up. I prayed, “Dear Lord, protect our babies. Please keep our babies safe…”

A few hours after we arrived at our neighbor’s house the waters began rising there too. We made the decision to evacuate their house because if we waited too long we wouldn’t be able to get out. We took the twins and two back packs full of diapers and formula and headed to the one of the only dry streets left in our neighborhood. Preparing to sleep in our mini van, we parked behind our friends on the side of the road. A few minutes after we arrived there a young woman approached us with a concerned look on her face.  "Please come stay with us.” We spent that night and the next day camped out in her living room. Her entire family welcomed us and fed us.

After a few days the water subsided. When we realized our house was going to be unlivable for a few months due to the flood damage, we thought it would be best if I took the twins up north to stay with family. (We ended up staying there for a few months while my husband continued gutting and rebuilding our home with the help of friends and strangers.) Many families lost absolutely everything.  Later we learned that many families had to be evacuated by boat because the water was so high. They had to leave everything behind. Can you imagine that kind of loss?

To the flood victims: I know so many of you are exhausted and you just wonder when things will go back to normal. You walk into rooms that you barely recognize. You try to salvage a decades worth of memories in print. You wonder how you will provide for your family because you didn’t have flood insurance and government assistance hasn’t covered a fraction of what it will cost to rebuild your home. I am hurting with you. But, one thing I do know for sure is that we will rise from this and we will grow and become stronger through it. I don’t say that to diminish the loss or pain you/we are going through. I say to encourage you and remind you that there is hope. And that Hope is Jesus Christ and that is what I am clinging to.

It can be overwhelming when you look around at what is left of your house. Memories may flood your mind of what used to be there; the room that you rocked your baby in for the very first time; that special corner in your living room where you put up your Christmas tree every year; the kitchen table where you shared meals together. Although the flood may have destroyed the physical things-those waters will never be able to take your memories. But more importantly than those precious memories is the overwhelming reminder that this place is not our eternal home. The Lord has always used trials in my life to remind me of this. I am not going to sit here and try to make sense of the flood. I can’t wrap my mind around it. However, I am quite certain through my own trials, that God does not waste anything. He is sovereign and in control of ALL things. God didn't waste my cancer. God didn't waste my miscarriage. And we can be confident that God is still at work right now. God creates beauty out of the mess and muddy waters.

Perhaps you've never been through a natural disaster. But I know through personal experience that it doesn't take an actual flood to bring on a storm. In the pain and chaos it is difficult to see God’s plan. When you are knee deep in the waters  it is easy to think that God has forgotten you and sometimes that makes it difficult to trust. But, believe this my friend: the flood will not consume you and He has NOT forgotten you. He is worthy of our trust even when we can’t comprehend or understand the chaos that surrounds us. Whatever flood or mess currently has your attention, my prayer for you is that you would cling to your Savior. When you look around at all of the unrecognizable mess, my prayer is that you would fix our eyes on Christ. Ask Him for strength. Ask Him for patience. Cry out to Him. He is listening and He is near. He will bring you out of this storm. Why? Because He is a faithful God who promises to never leave His children.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." -Isaiah 43:2

Through The Storm {Trusting God With Our Kids}

Do you ever lay in bed worried about the future of your children? Do thoughts plague your mind about them getting sick? Is your child suffering from an illness or mental health disorder and you wonder how you will make it through the day? Are you worried that your child isn't hitting all of the developmental milestones like the other kids? As parents, there are a hundred fears we could let our thoughts be consumed by. I know this to be true from personal experience. Eight weeks after we adopted Roman and Ruby, our home, city and the surrounding area were unexpectedly hit with the Great Flood of 2016. The Washington Post stated that this flood dumped three times as much rain on Louisiana as Hurricane Katrina. According to the Red Cross, this was the "worst US disaster since Hurricane Sandy," and FEMA reported that over 150,000 homeowners/renters applied for assistance.

Moments leading up to the evacuation I was cooking dinner for Obbie and I. While feeding Roman, I looked out the front door and noticed the water line had risen quite considerably. I frantically pointed this out to Obbie, who quickly ran out the front door to talk with all of the neighbors that had gathered at the edge of their driveways. When I stuck my head out the door, I saw Obbie from a distance. He had a very concerned look on his face. I felt my heart sink into the pit of my stomach. I knew it wasn’t good. He came back inside and said, “Kelly, we have to pack everything up. The water is rising and we have to evacuate immediately.”

I couldn’t find a suitcase so I dragged a large empty trunk into the twin’s nursery. As I walked in, I began to tear up. I had spent so much time preparing, dreaming and hoping in this room. I had flashbacks to all of the countless hours I spent on the floor praying for our baby that the Lord would bring into our home. As I began stuffing all of their clothes and diapers mindlessly into the trunk, I looked to the right and saw the huge frame that read, “I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him” (1 Samuel 1:27). I stopped. I took a deep breath. And I was reminded that it was God who brought these precious children into our life. They were in His hands and there was no safer place to be. 

We threw as much as we could into the back of our neighbor’s big white truck.  As we slowly waded through the flood, I looked down at my children and began to cry. The water was continually rising, our neighborhood was completely surrounded and there were only a few dry streets left. Those moments didn't feel as if they belonged to me. It was like we were the characters in the movie, "The Day After Tomorrow,” where they rushed to the top of the building to prevent from being consumed by the water. I felt completely helpless. I closed my eyes tightly and prayed, “Dear Lord, protect our babies.” It was a prayer of surrender, as I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop the flood. We were in God’s hands.

We were prepared to sleep in our mini van on the side of the road with our friends who evacuated their home too. It was dark, hot and humid. Many people in the area had been rescued by boat and that knowledge was looming over us as we waited. Not long after we arrived, a young woman ran out of her house with a concerned look on her face. “Are y’all the ones with the newborn twins? My husband is working a late shift so the house is empty and our street is still dry. Please come stay with us.” We spent that night and the next day camped out in her living room waiting for the streets to clear. These kind people welcomed us and fed us. God took care of us through the kindness of strangers. As soon as the waters subsided, the twins and I headed 12 hours north to stay with family, while Obbie began gutting our home with the assistance of friends.

We anticipated a lot as parents of newborn twins: sleepless nights, excessive crying, dirty diapers, a messy house, but we couldn't have prepared ourselves for this disaster. Once the twins and I made it to my parent’s house, I fell on the couch in complete exhaustion. This was not how I imagined the first few months of parenthood. If I’d had known the flood was coming for us I would have said, “I can’t do that. I’m not strong enough.” And I was right. I wasn’t strong enough. There is no way I could have walked down that road without God breathing grace into my lungs.

When we first brought the twins home I was afraid that something terrible was going to happen to them. I would stare at them throughout the night and rarely slept. Sometimes when they’d cough or make what I interpreted to be a weird sound, Google and I would spend some time together. However, through the storm I was reminded that God is not only the Creator of all things, but He is the Keeper of all things. Our heavenly Father has entrusted us with the most precious gifts, and as parents we have the privilege of loving and shepherding our children. On the other side of the flood, I came to understand that one of the most important things I can do as a mother is to remember to whom my children belong. Surrendering my children everyday to God is the best way I can love them. Surrender releases you from fear and worry. It doesn’t eliminate every fearful or worrisome thought, but surrender reminds you where to take them- at the feet of your Savior.

Parents, when you remember that your heavenly Father is the ultimate Keeper of your child’s soul, an overwhelming peace consumes you, a kind of peace that will get you through life’s biggest storms. When worry comes for you as a parent (because it will), I pray God will illuminate your mind with His truth and bring your heart to a place of surrender. My prayer is that you can see what I did as I was holding my children,  with floodwater so high I could feel it splash on my cheeks. God is not only with them through the storm, He is keeping them safe, and upholding them in the very palm His hands.

Mud Pies, Little Treasures & A Holiday At Sea

I put the twins in one of their cribs the other day with half a dozen of their favorite toys so I could clean their room quickly.  A few minutes later Ruby let out a loud screech and stood up with her arms in the air begging to be pulled out of the crib. Assuming Roman had stolen one of her toys again, I chuckled and walked over to see what all the fuss was about. Roman hadn't stolen one of her toys, but he had ripped off his diaper and claimed the little "surprise" on the inside as his favorite toy. Ruby wanted absolutely nothing to do with Roman's new little "treasure." After I cleaned up Roman and the crib, I started chuckling to myself. I put their favorite toys in the crib and Roman wasn't satisfied. He was more content with the little "treasure" inside of his diaper than the light-up musical toys surrounding him. But my little man also taught me a lesson that day.

God has offered us Himself, the fullness of joy, and yet we find ourselves chasing after other pleasures that do not and cannot satisfy. Perhaps they can provide momentary satisfaction, but complete fulfillment will never come from this world. How do I know this?

The Bible has endless scriptures promising satisfaction in Christ:

"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore" (Psalm 16:11).

"But whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life" (John 4:14).

C.S. Lewis puts it so well: "Indeed if we consider the unblemishing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

Christ has offered us Himself, and has clearly spelled out all of the promises for us in Scripture, and yet we continue to choose the very things that will leave us hollow, empty, and dry. C.S. Lewis says we do this because our desires our not too strong, but rather too weak. What a sobering thought. I've seen this to be true in my own life. It can be compared to chasing the wind; placing all of our hope in this one thing and expecting it to fill all of the cracks and crevices in our heart. And yet we're left with a sense of emptiness, realizing that this one thing wasn't created to do the thing we were so desperately trying to make it do. Like trying to stuff a star-shaped object into the circle-shape sorter; no matter how many times Roman and Ruby try, it's not going through. It wasn't designed to.

Our hearts were uniquely crafted to be completely satisfied in Christ alone. And yet we so easily turn God's good gifts into idols because we expect them to fulfill a role in our lives for which they were never created. Jobs, family, friends, spouse, children- all good gifts - but if we rely on these gifts to fill our hearts completely we'll be disappointed. We must always go to the source of the goodness, Christ himself, in order to find the ultimate satisfaction are hearts so desperately desire

"If I could find the perfect spouse I would be happy." "If I could have the perfect marriage I would be happy." "If I could get pregnant I would be happy." "If I could get that promotion at work I would be happy." "If I could look like him/her I would be happy."

I'm convinced that these statements may be true for some, at least temporarily true. Perhaps if you found the perfect spouse and you got the job promotion at work you were pinning for you would be content for a little while. But then time would pass and that empty-pit- feeling in your stomach would consume you again. And maybe this time you would stop chasing after the wind: fame, attention, sex, drugs, food, ______________ (fill in the blank), to infuse that space inside your heart, and instead turn to Christ. Are you tired of playing with mud pies? Are you ready to experience all the fullness and joy, "a holiday at sea," that is yours for you in Christ?

I have tasted the things of this world and none compare to the fullness that comes with knowing, truly knowing Christ Jesus. You can climb the corporate ladder, have a really nice house, car, friends, clothes, etc and completely miss it. You could sail through this life and completely bypass the "holiday at sea" that God has in store for you. Or like Ruby, you can reach up with both arms completely confident in the One who is capable of pulling you out of the mud pie and into the fullness of His joy.