Adoption Story: Jim + Julie

September 17, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Adoption Stories

It was such a pleasure getting to know Jim and Julie throughout their journey through adoption. I’m so blessed to work with such amazing families and this sweet couple was no exception! I remember the first time I spoke with them. Prior to signing on with Christian Adoption Consultants they had been working with other agencies for about 5 years and during that time had experienced a great deal of loss and heartache. But their strength in the Lord and perseverance throughout was so very evident. They were chosen about 10 months after signing on with CAC to be the parents of their sweet baby girl. I’m honored and grateful to have Julie on the blog tonight sharing the story that led them to their daughter.

After twelve years of marriage, my husband Jim and I decided to begin our family. We didn’t really consider that it wouldn’t happen easily and quickly, and we spent about the next three years doing multiple rounds of infertility treatments. We had a glimmer of hope with one pregnancy, but heartbreak soon followed with a devastating miscarriage. It took some time, but one more round of IVF later, we realized that we just wanted a family, however that came about. Though our hearts were still healing from our miscarriage and the inability to become pregnant, we simultaneously became increasingly excited and encouraged about the prospect of adoption.

Again, we were not prepared for how long our adoption journey would take. We signed up with a local facilitator, which resulted in several broken matches. We then signed up with an adoption attorney, and this also resulted in two broken matches. After about four years, we decided to investigate other avenues. A California agency recommended we look into Christian Adoption Consultants (CAC), as we already had a home study. We called, and CAC sounded encouraging, but we decided to stick it out with our facilitator a little longer. Looking back, we believe our depression over years of failed attempts to have children made signing up with a new adoption provider seem overwhelming and daunting, like starting from scratch. We felt discouraged and weren’t sure that God even wanted us to have kids, but we both felt the Holy Spirit encouraging us to not give up yet. And thankfully, God placed people in our lives to encourage us to keep going.

Within a year, we called CAC again and spoke to Kelly Todd, who would become our adoption consultant. She listened to our story, and dispelled some of our fears, such as us being too old to be picked by an expectant mom. We were encouraged and excited after speaking to her, and finally signed up with CAC. One of the most helpful things for us was Kelly’s detailed feedback on our already existing profile book. After years of working on and updating it ourselves, it was incredible to have her expertise help us fine tune it, so it showed the best and most complete picture of what we had to offer a child. She also proofread the letters we wrote to expectant moms we were hoping to be matched with – also invaluable. It was just great to have someone walking through each of these steps with us, answering our questions, checking in on us, and praying for us.

Less than a year after having signed up with CAC, we received a call that we had been chosen by an expectant mom that we had written to! We were shocked and overjoyed. Could this really finally be happening? We cautiously began making preparations, as our baby’s birth mom was due to give birth in a month. We texted and Skyped with her and felt compassion for her and her circumstances. While I always knew I’d be grateful to the woman who blessed us with a baby, I was concerned that I might also feel insecure, or even jealous. But I believe the Lord worked on my heart and I very quickly felt protective of her and wanted to assure her that she would play a role in her baby’s life.

When our daughter’s birth mom gave birth several weeks later, we hurriedly packed the car, and drove the 8 ½ hours, though the mountains, in the middle of the night. We were excited, still in shock, and terrified all at the same time! We couldn’t believe we might actually be parents soon. We arrived a few hours after the birth, and then had to wait the three days until she could legally be placed with us. I, in particular, was so worried about another broken match. I could see our baby’s birth mom’s sadness and we hurt for her. But, we continued guarding our hearts, and just couldn’t let ourselves get emotional until the baby was actually placed with us. When it happened on day three, it was a mix of emotions, as we couldn’t fathom everything our daughter’s birth mother was going through. But we were also so grateful and honored that she chose us to be her daughter’s mommy and daddy forever.

It has been a much longer journey than we expected to begin our family. However, as painful as parts have been, we don’t believe it was wasted time. God grew us both over the years. We learned to persevere, and that with God’s presence, we could handle more than we thought possible. We also were forced to trust God, and give up the illusion of control. We have struggled with fear along this journey, and we believe God purposefully allowed us to be in situations where we had absolutely no control, so that we would learn to trust Him. Finally, we experienced, up close, God’s comfort and kindness for us. Not just when we finally became parents, but in the eight years before. He consistently put friends in our lives who prayed for us, checked in our how we were doing after setbacks, encouraged us to continue, and did thoughtful things, like bringing me sunflowers on Mother’s Day. It made us realize, like never before, that God sees us in our suffering. Every tear we shed in our desire for a child, God was right there, loving us, and wanting us to turn to Him. Though this timeline is not what we would have thought we wanted, we are so grateful that God loved us enough to do what’s best for us. We would encourage anyone who is pursuing adoption to persevere in hope, trust Him in painful and uncertain moments, and seek His heart and will for you. If you do these things, you and your story will be in His hands, and there is no better place to be.

***If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me, Kelly Todd, at kelly@christianadoptionconsultants.com and check out Christian Adoption Consultants for more information!***

Adoption Story: Cody + Bristi

September 13, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Adoption

I remember the very first time I spoke with Bristi on the phone. She was kind, funny, friendly, and so open about their life and how they came to the adoption process. We instantly bonded over the fact that both of our husband’s were in the ministry! Cody and Bristi were chosen by their son’s birth mother 6 months after their home study was completed. They brought their son, Cainan, home with them a few months later. It was such a joy and an honor to walk with them through the adoption process. Bristi has shared their adoption story with such honesty and vulnerability. I know you will be encouraged as you read her words below.

Before my husband and I ever talked about marriage we talked about how we wanted to adopt one day. I (Bristi) have wanted to adopt for as long as I can remember. After having 3 biological children, we felt that God was encouraging us to start the adoption process. We had absolutely no idea where to start. God placed a couple of families in our church that had used Christian Adoption Consultants, so we decided to look into that. After we applied we got a phone call from Kelly Todd. We honestly had no clue what we were doing and Kelly was so patient and able to answer all of our questions and help guide us through the process. We used CAC for all of our paperwork and to create our profile book, which was a huge help! Any questions we had when it came to whether or not to present to a situation were answered and we never felt like we needed to doubt the advice that was given us. Kelly made it feel like we were talking to a close friend who had been through this before and knew the ins and outs of it all.

We went active in April and had high hopes of being matched quickly. After the first “no” we started to doubt that any expectant mom would choose us because we already had 3 biological children. Satan likes to use any seed of doubt he can. We presented to three or four situations and all of them were “no’s” and we started to doubt that God had even called us to adopt. We received a situation over a holiday weekend while we were out of town. When we saw it, we both immediately wanted to present. That next week we got a phone call from the agency and I answered my phone, expecting a no, but instead were told she had chosen us! I was speechless and couldn’t hold the tears back. I called my husband who was at work and we both sat on the phone in silent shock. Although the wait wasn’t easy, we knew that God’s timing was perfect. After the shock wore off we remember being nervous and excited all at the same time! We got the opportunity to Skype with our son’s birth mom a few times before heading down to meet them in December for his birth.

The waiting period leading up to December was not easy and had plenty of emotions to go with it, but it was nothing compared to the birth of our son. There were so many ups and downs. I was honored to be in the delivery room with our son’s birth mom for the c-section. I will always keep those moments etched into my mind as they are very sacred and special. Seeing our son’s birth mother make one of the most difficult decisions of her life was heart wrenching.

During this time we wanted to make sure she knew how amazing and strong she was regardless of what she decided, as we knew he wasn’t our son until consents were signed. That time of waiting was more difficult than we anticipated. Our case worker at the agency was great at helping us to know when to be with our son’s birth mom and when to let her have her time. We were able to have our own room in the hospital, which was such a sweet blessing.

The day she was supposed to sign was such a difficult day. We knew it was going to be extremely hard for her. Kelly was so sweet to be on standby to pray. We were a nervous wreck. Knowing that the sweet baby boy that we had grown to love more than anything in the last two days could potentially not be ours was almost more than we could handle, but at the same time we couldn’t even imagine all of the heavy emotions she was going through. But then we got the call. We got the call from our case worker saying that she had signed and we could come get our son from the hospital. It was surreal walking back into the hospital after everything that had happened that day, but everyone was so accommodating and compassionate towards us that all of the nervous, anxious feeling we had melted away.

Words fail to express how grateful we are for our son’s birth mother. The love she has shown us has been incredible. We are blown away by her strength and selflessness. We truly love our son’s birth mother and see her as a part of our family. She has given us the sweetest, most wonderful gift we could have ever dreamed of. We have an open adoption and get messages from her around every 3 months. We plan to visit her after the new year. Our son, Cainan, has been such a blessing to our entire family. Our kids love being his big brother and sister! He is so loved!

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A big thank you to CAC and Kelly Todd for walking with us through this journey. If you are considering adoption and don’t know where to start, start with CAC. The guidance you will receive is priceless. The process is overwhelming and can be very stressful at times, but in the end it is more than worth it and with CAC by your side it helps share the load. We would do it all again if God calls us to, and we wouldn’t hesitate to use CAC!

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Thoughts On Adoption From An Adoptee & Birth Mother

September 09, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Adoption Education

I’m so honored to share a guest post from Jori Reid. Jori is a birth mother to an amazing 10 year old girl and they have an open adoption. As an adoptee, she also reunited with her birth mother after 21 years. Jori and her husband have 4 children, including twin girls! She is excited to share her unique perspective on adoption with you! I hope her words will be an encouragement to you, as they have been to me.

Adoption has always been a part of my life. I was born to one mother and then was raised by another. Both are amazing and wonderful in their own right. I was adopted from foster care when I was six months old in the 80’s when open adoption was still pretty non-existent. And so I grew up knowing very little about my biological family.

While in college in 2008, I became a birth mother when I placed my oldest daughter for adoption. It was a title I never thought I would share with my own birth mother. I have learned so much in the last 11 years. Since I am two parts of the adoption triad, I think I have a unique perspective. I would like to share with you 5 things I want you about adoption from the perspective of an adoptee and birth mom.

Adoption begins with loss. To be completely honest, it took me a while to see and feel this one, but it doesn't make it any less true. My birth mother left the hospital 32 years ago with empty arms and a broken heart while I stayed there without her. When I was first adopted my mom said I had a hard time adjusting to my new environment and didn’t smile much. Loss and trauma can present in many different ways and times. As a birth mother, I experienced the loss of my daughter when I got on the plane to fly back home after I relinquished my rights and the adoption became final. Yet, I also feel the loss on many occasions like a holiday or a completely random day. It hurts me to my core knowing I caused the pain my daughter feels or will feel, even though we have an open adoption. As parents it’s important to recognize adoption for all that it is and be able to sit with our children in their trauma and get them further help if needed. Doing research, joining a support group and/or finding a therapist can all make a difference.
Adoption is a choice. After reuniting with my birth mom 10 years ago I was able to hear first hand why she placed me for adoption. It was so healing for me. She chose to place me for adoption so I could have a different life. Not necessarily better just different. I too chose adoption for the same reason. It was the best choice for us at that time in my life. So now 11 years into our adoption journey I am still healing, growing, and learning. I live with my choice every single day and try to make the best of it that I can.
Adoption is about love and so is DNA. Adoption is created with love. The love of a girl/woman. The love of a baby/child. The love surrounding a family. But that’s not all it is. Adoption is family. It is history. It is DNA. It is biology. A child’s DNA matters. Growing up and filling out family history paperwork at any medical office and having to write N/A or unknown was hard. Everytime. I was always curious about my biological family. I had a void where that piece of me was missing. I always wondered if I looked or acted like them. I used to fantasize about my ethnicity and where my ancestors came from. As a birth mom, when my oldest daughter was born I had no information to give her parents about my side of the family at the time. Then, when she was six months old I reunited with my birth mom. It was such an incredible time in my life. To have that void filled and to learn about my history that no one but her could share was amazing. To be clear, just because I found and reunited with parts of my biological family does not mean I love my family or parents any less. They raised me to be who I am. I am equal parts of both of my families and am so grateful for that.
What you say about adoption matters. In society today it’s so very easy to offend someone by saying the wrong thing. But I feel most of the time people have no idea they are offending. So what’s the solution? Educate your on positive adoption language. If you don’t who will? Many times I have heard people say, “ I could never GIVE UP my baby” and and I would just cringe. Then I would politely say, “Did you know the correct term is placed a child and not gave up?” It’s a very simple, kind and direct way to educate. Words do matter and have profound power.
Teach your children about diversity. Transracial adoptions are very common. And it’s very imperative that children are taught families come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

Adoption is a never ending journey. We in the adoption community have a responsibility to the triad. We have a responsibility to adoptees to remind them that they are loved unconditionally. We have a responsibility to help them remember that their voice and story matter. We have a responsibility to birth parents to remind them that they are loved during and after placement. And that this love does not just exist for who they created, but for who they are. Birth mothers deserve the best post placement care we can find and they deserve healing. Lastly, we have a responsibility to adoptive parents. To hear them. To love them. To find and give them the support they need to raise these amazing humans. Because in the end we should all be in this journey together. Supporting each other. Lifting each other up. Adoption will only move forward and progress if we put in the work.

About the writer:

Jori Reid is an adoptee and birth mom in an open adoption to an amazing 10 year old girl. Jori reunited with her birth mom after 21 years. She and her husband have 4 children, including a set of twin girls. She loves sharing her story of adoption, motherhood and her adventures of raising her kids, with the hopes to inspire and uplift others.

Understanding The Adoption Tax Credit

September 04, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Adoption Education

Understanding how the adoption tax credit works can be a bit confusing. After my husband and I brought our twins home, we knew we needed assistance with taxes from someone who had experience in working with families who had adopted. After speaking with a few friends who had worked with Dave Lemaster, owner of Superior Tax Prep, we opted to use his services. We continue to use him every year since and he has been wonderful to work with. With over 11 years of experience, he is very knowledgeable on the adoption tax credit and has always been very quick to answer all of our questions.

I reached out to Dave to see if he would be interested in providing a brief summary of how the adoption tax credit works and he was more than happy to provide us with this helpful information.

When a family adopts they are allowed to claim a tax credit on their income tax return for expenses incurred throughout the adoption process. It is advised that individuals should seek professional tax help when looking to claim the adoption tax credit to ensure it is handled properly. In general adoption expenses are claimed on the tax return in the year the adoption is finalized. But for any domestic adoption and foster care adoption qualifying expenses paid before finalization can only be claimed in the tax year following the year of expenditure (i.e. 2018 adoption expenses could not be claimed until the 2019 filed tax return in early 2020). When the adoption has been finalized any remaining expenses not already claimed can be claimed. For an international adoption expenses cannot be claimed until the year of finalization. If there are expenses in a year after finalization and you still have adoption tax credit left you claim them on the tax return for the year paid.

Items that can be claimed as adoption expenses are adoption fees, agency fees, attorney fees, court costs, travel expenses (including meals and lodging) while away from home, etc. Basically any reasonable adoption expense paid throughout the adoption journey. Families should pay special attention to keep receipts for all adoption related expenses so that when it comes time to file for the adoption tax credit there will be no setbacks and trying to track information down.

There are two kinds of tax credits; non-refundable and refundable. A refundable credit will reduce your income tax owed (i.e. does not reduce self-employment tax) and if there is any left it will refund you the remaining amount of the credit. A non-refundable credit will only reduce your tax owed, but any remaining credit amount will not be refunded. The adoption tax credit is a non-fundable credit up to $14,080 per child for a 2019 finalized adoption. This does not mean that when you finalize you will get the full amount in the year of finalization. Those eligible to claim the adoption tax credit can only benefit in a given year up to the amount of their tax liability. For 2018 look at form 1040, line 11 for tax liability. The benefit is limited because it is a non-refundable credit, which means it cannot exceed over your tax liability for the year. Other credits you’re claiming will impact the claimable amount as well.

The good news is that any amount of the adoption credit not used in the initial year can be carried forward for up to 5 years or until the credit runs out. If after the 5 carry forward years there is still adoption credit remaining it expires. Back in 2010 and 2011 the adoption tax credit was a refundable credit and there are legislators trying to make it refundable again.

Understanding the adoption tax credit is complex, but not impossible! Feel free to reach out to Dave Lemaster with any questions regarding the adoption tax credit or his services.

Superior Tax Prep , Dave Lemaster, Owner
(218)-591-3892 / dave.e.lemaster@gmail.com

Dave and his wife Amy are the proud parents of four children, 3 through adoption (including twin boys & their daughter) and one son biologically. They adopted with the help and support of Christian Adoption Consultants for both their adoption journeys. Dave has a B.S. in Accounting from the University of Wisconsin-Superior and MBA through Liberty University Online. He has been in the accounting/tax field since 2008 and has also operated his own tax business since 2014 where he has gained extensive knowledge about the adoption tax credit which helps to serve adoptive families.

My Cancer + Weaknesses (Part 2)

September 01, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Faith

I used to feel defined by my weaknesses. Never feeling good enough. Always feeling different and less than what I was created to be. Physically my body didn't seem to function like it was designed to and I spent the majority of my elementary through high school years feeling ostracized by these differences. Cancer not only left its marks on my body, but it also left me with medical complications that I dealt with every single day. As an adult I'm not immune those issues now. I still deal with them. But overtime I've become more accustomed to them. Most people aren't even able to tell I deal with any of these residuals, because other than the scars on my body from multiple cancer surgeries I look healthy and normal.

But growing up I couldn't feel anything further from that word-”normal.” In fact, I didn't feel like that was a word that belonged to me. As a young child I remember my bedtime prayers were filled with pleas that God would make me "normal like all the other kids". The differentness I felt was exasperated by too many absences from school. So many that a teacher once asked me how I was going to graduate. And to be honest, I had often wondered that myself. Escorted by my nurse from class multiple times a day to take care of these issues, led to further questioning from peers. And I got really tired of answering those questions. Mainly because their curiosity served as a reminder of just how different I felt.

But one day God did heal me. However, His answer didn't come quite like I expected it would. You see, He healed my mind and freed my heart to be at peace with my circumstances. The medical complications that once left me feeling ostracized, like chains holding me down, I learned to recognize as a gift from God. Because not a day goes by where I'm not physically reminded of my weaknesses and my need for Christ. It was through my weaknesses and medical complications and not in their absence that I began asking questions about Jesus. It was through my weaknesses and cancer and not a part from them that I learned of the Gospel and God's love for me-a love that was so big that He sent His Son to die on the cross for my sins so that I could come to know Him and be found in Him. I wish I could say that my faith in those truths remained strong, but unfortunately they wavered. But God was faithful through and through. God was faithful even when I was faithless.

In high school my doctor informed me that I wouldn’t be able to have children biologically. As if dealing with my medical issues weren't enough to make me feel like less of a woman, there was nothing quite like finding out that kids weren't in the cards for me either. My medical issues compiled with the news of my infertility, sent me down a very dark path. I felt broken, alone, anxious and depressed.

Though I could not identify it at the time, the perceptions and expectations that I had for myself, were being shaped and influenced by society. I was looking to the world to help me make sense of my scars, weaknesses and identity. I was looking in the wrong places. It wasn’t until I moved from seeing my weaknesses as the world does and instead looked to Christ and His word to explore their meaning and purpose that healing and freedom came.

In 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 we learn of Paul’s “thorn in the flesh.” Although we don’t know for certain exactly what his thorn is, we know it was a weakness and an ongoing struggle. We know that Paul cried out to God more than once to take it away and we learn right here in 2 Corinthians that the Lord did not fulfill his request. And instead Jesus replied to Paul with: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Paul went on to say, “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Even though Satan would long for Paul’s weaknesses to send him down a very dark path, God had another plan in mind. Jon Bloom with Desiring God says, “God’s grace is more clearly seen and more deeply savored in our weaknesses than our strengths. Our fallen natures crave self-glory. We seek the admiration of others. We love the myth of the superhero because we want to be one. So we want our successes and strengths to be known and our failures and weaknesses hidden. And since strong, competent high achievers earn human admiration, we are tempted to believe that they impress God in a similar way. That’s the last thing Paul wants us to believe. Paul knew better than most that it is not human achievements that showcase the grace of God. It is human helplessness.”

We don’t live in Eden anymore. We live on the other side of the fall where weakness, sickness and sin reside. We are imperfect people in need of His grace. To deny this truth is essentially telling Jesus that what He did on the cross was in vain. Our weaknesses and our shortcomings should move us back to the cross, back to the feet of Jesus, and should serve as a reminder to us that we can’t do this alone. We need God.

Because of my medical conditions and past mental health issues I have felt weak. Because of my infertility I have felt broken. Even though I no longer feel defined by those issues like I once did, sometimes those thoughts will resurface momentarily. And I have to remind myself to look up. I have to remind myself of where my Ultimate source of strength resides-God. My weaknesses keep me closer to the heart of my Father and are constantly pointing me back to the cross.

Perhaps you can relate. Maybe you have been viewing your weaknesses through a wordly lens. Perhaps you, like me, can relate to these feelings of “never measuring up” or “I’ll never be good enough" because you feel like you are drowning in and defined by your weaknesses. But this desire to “measure up” is a very worldly concept. We'll never measure up. If we were enough than Jesus' death on the cross would be in vain and grace would have no purpose in our life. When you have thoughts like, "I'll never be enough" look up. Fix your eyes on Christ. Let those thoughts lead you to the Gospel, to the cross, to His grace that was poured out on your behalf because God knew that apart from Christ you could never measure up. God doesn't need us to have it all together. What God desires from us is to recognize that we don't and look to Christ- the author and perfector of our faith. And as we come to Him in our weakness, He is faithful to complete the work He began in us, sanctifying our hearts and our minds into more of His likeness.

My Cancer + Weaknesses (Part 1)

My Cancer + Weaknesses (Part 1)

August 20, 2019 by Kelly Todd

Over the summer I was asked to speak at a women's conference near my home town in Southern, Illinois. I've shared my testimony and bits and pieces of my story hundreds of times, but this time would be different. As I was praying through what to share with these ladies, I felt God encouraging me to include details of my story that I had never spoken about before in front of of a large group of women. Particularly, specifics about my past health issues and present medical complications that I deal with on a daily basis, as a result of having childhood cancer. I like to think of myself as someone who is pretty open and honest with my life, but I remember being a bit confused (and scared!) as to why He was calling me to include such personal details.

As I was preparing my talks for the conference, I thought perhaps I could just speak about my medical issues in generalities, like I had done before. I also toyed with the idea of how I could paint them in a prettier and more acceptable light. As I was sitting on my bed with my computer on my lap, and reading through 2 Corinthians 12 about Paul’s thorn in the flesh, I thought to myself, "Here I am writing a talk on Biblical womanhood and how God does not view weaknesses, scars and suffering as the world does, and yet deep in the corners of my heart there was this deep hesitation wrapped with fear of man. What would they think of me if they knew this?”

The inner turmoil that was taking place reminded me of a temptation many women, including myself, face in today's society. The societal pressure to emphasize our strengths, appearing like superwomen in every corner and crevice of our life, while simultaneously covering up our weaknesses.

Even though God had drastically grown my understanding of my own medical issues, and I no longer was at a place where I felt defined by them or less than in spite of them, I was a bit shocked that my knee reaction was to keep them hidden in the shadows. God gave me another glimpse into how society's view of weaknesses and even the expectations for women, were in some ways still affecting the way I viewed myself. (More on this in a post next week)

But I knew in my spirit that God wanted me to portray things as they were. He didn't need me to clean them up. He didn't need me to paint them in a prettier light. He wanted me to share them as I experience them-from the very raw, messy and painful places of their existence. And so even though I had no idea why He wanted me to share such personal things with a group of mostly strangers, I made the decision to trust Him despite my uncertainty and fears.

When I arrived at the conference, I was greeted with smiles by some familiar faces and shook hands with some ladies I had never met before. But I was very nervous. I have spoken at many conferences throughout the years, but sometimes my nerves still get the best of me. Through the years I've learned to embrace these uncomfortable feelings as a gift because they keep me reliant on God. As my hands got sweaty and my heart raced it became a very real and physical reminder that I can do nothing without Him. When the ladies were singing a hymn together, I stepped out of the conference hall and found a quiet place to pray. Just me and God. I told Him I was scared. I asked Him to help me be brave in sharing what He had laid on my heart specifically for this group of women. As I was praying that God would use my imperfect and broken words to minster and encourage their hearts, I felt His peace come over my entire body from head to toe. And in that moment He reminded me that I was not alone and He was with me.

As I stepped up to the podium and look into the eyes of the women staring back at me, I said a quick and silent prayer under my breath. It was very emotional working through the intricacies of my life story and God's faithfulness through multiple bouts of cancer, depression, infertility, loss and other health issues. But God sustained me through every word, every tear and every breath. He was working through my weaknesses even as I was standing in front of a group of women talking about that very thing. 2 Corinthians 12:9, “ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

After the conference was over God gifted me with the blessing of learning why He wanted me to share those specific details. The very things I was afraid of sharing, (I'm talking about down to the T) were the the very things He used to minister to the hearts of the ladies in that room. How do I know that? Because they came up and told me so. I’m not telling you this so you can think I'm great or super holy or something, but I'm telling you this so you can see how great our God is. Only He could know exactly what their hearts needed. I teared up on the drive home thinking, “What if fear had won that day? What if I had let fear of what others thought of my struggles and my weaknesses, prevent from sharing what I knew God was calling me to do?”

The ladies who approached me after the conference shared bravely and vulnerably with me about their weaknesses and struggles and how God met them where they were at. After they walked away a quote from C.S. Lewis popped in my head, " What?! You too? I thought I was the only one." We didn't lament in self-pity for one another. But rather, we rejoiced and our hearts were moved to hope in Christ, in hearing about God's faithfulness through one another's trials. Those sweet ladies ministered to my heart in a way that words can not adequately express. And God used their words to remind me, yet again, that there is purpose in the pain. God wastes nothing. He works through our weaknesses (not a part from them) and in doing so, He gets the glory!

Sisters, God will call you to do scary and uncomfortable things for His Kingdom purposes. He will call you to do things that may not make sense to you (or anyone for that matter). He will call you to do things that will seem out of sync with the world. Do it anyway. For His glory and His kingdom do it anyway.

Adoption Story: Kenneth + Taylor

July 30, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Adoption Stories

I remember the first time I spoke on the phone with Taylor. She had such a sweet and warm demeanor about her and after just a few conversations I had a feeling we would become good friends! Kenneth and Taylor were very open with me about their story and what led them down the path of adoption. And I was honored and humbled that they entrusted me with such a big piece of their heart. Before they started the adoption process they had experienced great loss. But I was truly amazed at their perspective, joy, hope and spirit of perseverance that seemed to resonate through our conversations. Their faith and trust in God throughout this journey has been such an encouragement to me and many others. I pray these words will encourage your heart as Taylor shares about their journey to Aden.

For as long as I can remember, I had a desire to adopt a child. Soon after our marriage we talked about starting our family. I (Taylor) was diagnosed with PCOS at the age of 14, which would make it difficult for us to conceive. Our plan was to to conceive a biological child through IVF and then complete our family through adoption. So often “we” make plans and God comes in and shows us his plan. We did two rounds of IVF and I became pregnant with twins, but we miscarried shortly after. Through this very tough time we came together as a family like never before. It became very clear to us that God was pointing us to adoption.

We found Christian Adoption Consultants through lots of research and started working with Kelly Todd. We felt a connection to her immediately. She was so kind and patient with us, as we asked a million questions! She was there to provide us with all the answers and pointed us in the right direction. We never felt lost in this experience because we had her holding our hand walking us through the entire process.

Once the home study was finished we began waiting and presenting our profile to expectant mothers. But we didn’t have to wait too long, because less than one month into the process we got the call we were praying for. We were chosen by an expectant mother due with a little girl in a few short months. We were so excited and couldn’t believe how fast everything unfolded! I will never forget the day we waited at the hotel ready to go and meet baby, but instead got news that her mama had chosen to parent. We respected her decision, but were very heartbroken. We had been praying and preparing for this little girl for months. Through this difficult time our adoption consultant, Kelly, was there for us. She was by our side, sending us encouraging emails and texts, reminding us that our story wasn’t over. Once we came to the realization that she wouldn't be coming home with us, we held strong in our faith. We knew that God had a plan and reminded ourselves that His plan was better than ours and that this baby girl was not meant for us.

We took time to process the loss and a few weeks later resumed our journey to grow our family through adoption. Although it wasn’t easy, we knew everything would work out in His timing. Even though we didn’t have a name or a face, we continued praying for this expectant mama and her baby. One day we got the call that we were matched with an expectant mama who was due in a few weeks. We struggled to stay positive during this time because of what happened previously, but we stayed hopeful even through the uncertainty. During this time Kenneth and I learned so much about each other. We talked more often, prayed together and leaned on family and friends for support. We opened our hearts and minds to truly surrendering for whatever God had in store for us.

A few weeks later we got the call we had been waiting for, “You guys need to start making your way to the hospital.” With heavy and fearful hearts we packed up the car and made the drive. Our baby boy arrived shortly after we made it to the hospital. My husband and I were blessed to receive the gift of seeing our son born into this world, cutting the umbilical cord and doing skin to skin. The love, kindness and generosity our son’s birth mother showed us was truly humbling. She also gave us the honor of being by her side and caring for her boy when she was in the hospital. This gave us time to bond with him. When discharge day came she made the hardest decision she ever had to make. She placed all of her trust in Kenneth and I to be the best parents we could be for her son, Aden. The love she showed and the weight of that decision will never be forgotten and the love she has for her son is undeniable.

This woman made me a mom and I am so grateful for that. We will forever have a bond that is sacred and unbreakable. We are so grateful for this open adoption and our relationship we share with her. We talk often, we share photos and we Facetime. We also have plans for a family vacation together to Disney at the end of the year! She will always be a part of our lives and a part of our family. God has opened our hearts and minds to open adoption and we see the beauty and love of Jesus through this journey.

***Photography by Christina Janel***

A Letter To The Hopeful Adoptive Family

July 22, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Waiting In Adoption

Dear Hopeful Adoptive Family,

I can’t imagine everything you must be thinking and feeling right now. And I’m so very sorry your loss. I wish there were perfect words I could formulate into existence that would erase your pain, but I’m not naïve in this arena. I’ve walked with other families through failed adoptions and I know words can be powerful, but they can’t do that. And knowing that, truly knowing that, devastates me to my core.

I wish I could make this better for you. I wish I could mend your broken heart. I wish I could put all of the pieces back together again. I wish I could make sense of this situation for you. I wish I could pull you out of the storm and make the sun shine again. I wish I could restore hope to your heart in this very moment of your pain. But I can’t. I can’t. And it breaks my heart.

But I’m here for you. I want you to know, dear friend, that even though I can do none of those things, I will be here for you. I will be here when you need a friend to listen and cry with over the phone. I will be here to remind you that you have every right to feel all of the heavy things you are feeling- even when and especially when they don’t make sense. I will be here to remind you to take time to grieve, as what happened is in every sense of the word a loss. I will be here to remind you that others may not understand this type of loss. And as a result make trite remarks like, “It will happen one day” or “It ‘s okay. It will all work out.” But I will be your soundboard. I will remind you that it’s quite “okay” to acknowledge that in this season things couldn’t feel further from seeming like they are going to “work out.”

But as you grieve I will also be your voice of hope, reminding you that you are not alone. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:8) And even though in this moment it may feel like your story is over or that God has forgotten you, I will be here to remind you He has not forgotten you. And your story is not over.

Although I don’t understand why some things unfold the way that they do, I know that our God is faithful. And He will never leave you (Deuteronomy 31:6). I know our God is the great Comforter. And He promises to comfort those who are hurting (1 Corinthians 1:3-5). I know God is the great Healer. And I know He is faithful and committed to healing your heart and your mind (Psalms 30:2). I know that God is your Helper. (Psalm 46:1) And He will guide you through the days to come, every step of the way.

And although I cannot put all of the pieces back together for you, I know the One who can. He is the Great Physician, who restores hope and makes broken things whole again and gives beauty for ashes.

With Love and Prayers,

Kelly Todd,

Thoughts On Open Adoption From Adoptive Parents

July 15, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Adoption Education

One of the most frequent questions I get asked as an adoption consultant is "Kelly, what does it really look like to have an open adoption?" There's so much more to an open adoption than a singular definition. I would venture to say that there is no cookie cutter explanation for what an open adoption entails, mainly because every relationship is different. A common definition of an open adoption is a direct line of communication between adoptive parents, adoptee and birth mother, which typically includes annual visit(s). But those descriptions seem lacking and incomplete, as they fail to truly explain the heart and purpose behind an open adoption. To help me fill in the gaps, I've gathered a few thoughts anonymously from adoptive parents and their experiences with an open adoption. I hope their words dispel some of the fears and myths you've upheld about openness and give you encouragement as you navigate your adoption journey.

"Open adoption is and isn’t many things and it’s different for every triad. For us, openness starts in our hearts and minds that makes us comfortable with and want to pursue acceptance that tension exists within adoption. Openness means we pursue contact with biological families. Most importantly, we are open to however our (adopted) child feels about his adoption and commit to stand with him as he wrestles through the good, bad, and ugly of his story. It means we view his bio family with respect, without co-parenting, and are open to him having all the information about his own life that we can help him get."

"Open adoption is about two families that love the same child, and choose to build a relationship. Open adoption is healthy for both the child and mother. For the mother because it gives her reassurance to see her child thriving, for the child because it allows them to know where they came from, providing a sense of identity. Open adoption is not co-parenting. It’s not worrying that they’ll show up at your door or tell you how to parent."

"Open adoption gives opportunity for more peace and love and understanding. It’s about loving your child. The more you can love and know each other the better it is for your child. They will want to know whatever they can and if we love them we will want to know whatever we can about their birth family and story. Open adoption is not a loss of power or control as a parent. You are still a parent just the same and have all of the parental rights."

"Open adoption has been the most amazing experience! I was always prepared to love my child, but I was surprised at how much I care about her birth mama too, and feel a connection to her that only mothers feel. Every time I text her a picture, I think how blessed we are that she wants to be a part of her daughter's life. Open adoption is not scary or intimidating like I once thought it might be. On the contrary, when I pray for my daughter's birth mom, I have a name, a face, a voice, and a personality that we care for and love."

"Open adoption is beautiful! The amount of love between families is priceless. You gain more than just a child or children you gain family members for life. Open adoption is not always easy or the most comfortable, but it’s worth it and over time can blossom just like any relationship! Relationships take work and just because it may not feel” natural” in the beginning, give it time and energy and watch it grow into something you didn’t realize it could be."

"Open adoption is an organic, dynamic process that grows as your child grows. Open adoption helps answer your child's questions. It is not threatening, nor does it diminish you as a parent."

“Open adoption is letting go of your own fears and insecurities, and keeping the door open for your child to be able to know their biological family. It’s showing love to the woman who carried your baby for 9 months, and made the difficult decision to place him or her in your arms. Open adoption is setting healthy boundaries. It’s texting, emailing, Facetiming or visiting. Open adoption is not co-parenting. It’s gaining new family members and allowing your child to truly know where they came from.”

"I hear it from so many people that they think open adoption causes more harm than good to their child. But I don't see it that way. Open adoption is allowing God to heal what is broken through relationship and love. I just want people to understand how healing it can be for adoptees to know about their birth parents/have a relationship with them."

"Open adoption can be scary, but it’s a relationship God orchestrated unique to your family. While it can be a complicated relationship, it also provides the opportunity for you to know your child’s birth mother. I’ve found value in being able to share more of my children’s stories as they grow up. How that relationship looks over time varies by situation, but often the relationships with birth moms change over time as they grieve and settle back into their own lives. Even so, it’s a bond that’s forever."

"Open adoption is not always easy, but that doesn't mean it's not worth it. Just like any other significant relationship you've had or will have takes commitment, the relationship between the adoption triad is no different. When things get difficult or confusing at times, it would be easy to give up. Some people may even tell you that it's not worth it. But I want my child to know I did everything in my power to make it work. Because my child's birth mother is worth it. And my child is worth. It's all worth it."

"Open adoption is a posture of the heart. It's about keeping your heart open and extending grace to each other as you navigate, what is for many, uncharted waters. It's remembering that this relationship, like every relationship, takes time to grow and build trust. It's remembering to not assume things within the relationship. "Why hasn't she called? Did I say something wrong? She must just not really want to talk to us." It's remembering the grief process comes in ebbs and flows. Her silence may not mean what you think it does. Open adoption takes sacrifice, unconditional love, grace and honest communication between the birth mama and adoptive parents. Open adoption is a sacred and special bond, unlike anything we've ever experienced. I'm so very grateful for the opportunity to get to know my child's birth mother/birth family and for our child to have that special relationship too. It's a gift. It's a gift that not every family can provide their child with and I pray I don't ever take it for granted."

If you've come to the end of this post and are asking yourself, "Could we really do that? Could we really have an open adoption with our child's birth mother?" Believe me, I've been where you are. I've been on the other side of the adoption process, just like you, filling out applications and working through our concerns and fears in regards to an open adoption. Shortly after beginning the adoption process my husband and I started researching open adoption. Through research and conversations with others we realized the many benefits of an open adoption for all parties of the adoption triad. We recognized that our fear had been preventing us from embracing the reality of what an open adoption is and not just what we assume it to be based upon false pretenses. If you still are unsure, I want you to know that’s okay. As you are exploring your fears and concerns, I would just encourage you to do as much research as you can on the topic.

For further reading on open adoption:

Open Adoption Isn't A Lifetime Movie

Insecurities & Open Adoption

5 Tips On Talking To Children About Adoption

July 08, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Adoption Education

We were playing on the park one day when a seven year old boy with blonde hair and bright blue eyes approached me. I could tell what he was going to ask before the question came out of his mouth, as it's one I get asked often by kids around his age. I saw him looking at me and looking at the twins, wondering how we were connected.

"Are those your babies?" he asked politely.

"Yes, I'm their mama!"

"But, why are they brown and you're white?"

His mother, completely embarrassed, stepped in and put her hand on his shoulder, "I'm so sorry."

"Isn't their skin beautiful? You know, families come in all different shapes, colors and sizes. Some families are really big and some families are really small. Some families have step-brothers or step-sisters and some families have only one child or no children at all. Families are formed in different ways. Children can be raised by the family they were born into, like you and your family, or through a family who adopted them, like our family."

"What's adoption?" he asked further.

"That's a great question. Adoption is when a birth mom or birth parent feel they can't take care of a child at the time. And then adoptive parents become their mommy and daddy. My children grew in their birth mama's tummy. When they were born she chose me and that man over there (pointed to my husband, Obbie) to be their parents. They became our son and daughter through adoption. Their birth mama loves them so very much and so do we!"

“Cool!” he said running off to play with his friends on the playground.

The questions I get asked most about adoption and why my children and I don’t “look the same” come mostly from children. I started receiving questions like this as soon as I brought our babies home.

I was tongue tied the very first time a 5 year old little girl asked, “Why are they brown and your not?” The twins were just about 3 weeks old at the time.

“They were adopted!” I replied.“What’s that?” she innocently questioned.

I said, “You can have your mommy explain that!”

Looking back, I still think that answer was okay. It’s not my job to educate every single person on the adoption process and you don’t need to carry that weight either. Adoption is common. And families, schools and churches, should be be doing a better job at educating children on how families are created in different ways.

Here are a few helpful tips to keep in mind as you are responding to children and their questions about adoption:

Don’t overshare. Protect your child’s story when answering questions about adoption.Sometimes I have found it’s best to use generalized answers instead of using personal examples. “Birth mothers choose to have another mommy and daddy raise their child when they feel they can’t at the time.” I have found when I use examples from the twins life it leads to further questions about their adoption story, which isn’t mine to share. Your first priority is to protect your child’s story, not answer others questions about their story. Most kids asking questions are just innocently curious, but even so, it’s not my story to share.
Keep it simple and use age appropriate language. Don’t use abstract phrases or language that could be confusing to a young little mind.
Don’t feel the need to explain the adoption process to every child who asks you. Just like you wouldn’t explain the “birds and the bees” to any random kid who asks you how “babies came to be”-it’s not your job to explain the adoption process to every child who inquires about it. Sometimes it's okay to simple say, "You can have your mommy or daddy explain that" or "You know, I bet your mom or dad would like to explain that to you!"
Continue implementing positive adoption language. Even as we are explaining adoption to younger children, it's important that we still incorporate positive adoption language. I think it's okay to make big adoption words and phrases easier for the little ones to understand, as long as we are doing it in a way that continues to honor all parties of the adoption triad. Click here for a helpful post on positive adoption language.
Be prepared for more questions and how you will respond. Adoption is very complex and difficult for children to wrap their minds around. Many of the words and phrases you may use will be words most children have never heard before and may need further explanation. But again, it's also quite alright to say: "I bet your mommy or daddy would like to explain that to you!"

It may take some time and practice to learn how to respond to kids about complex topics like adoption, but that’s okay! You will get better at it as you go! I hope that you find these tips helpful as you navigate conversations about adoption with children.

Resting in the Adoption Process: How to Recharge in the Waiting

June 19, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Waiting In Adoption

The adoption process can feel exhausting with all the waiting, uncertainty, and emotional ups and downs. This post shares encouragement and practical ways to rest and recharge during the journey.

The "No" That Led to Our "Yes"

June 14, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Adoption Stories

GUEST POST
By Adoptive Mama, Chelsey Sisco

"She’s given birth to the baby. There are no other details right now. We’ve tried to reach out but have been unsuccessful. All we can do is wait and hope she reaches out to us.” Those were the words that drowned me on a Friday morning in late September standing on the sidewalk outside of my office. Exactly one week prior to that Michael and I sat in a Texas Roadhouse 12 hours from home meeting M for the very first time. We talked, laughed, and cried for 3 hours over a nice dinner. That was the day that M gave us ultrasound pictures of her baby girl. I could feel the fear that overwhelmed her when we locked eyes, walked towards each other, and hugged as she handed me the pictures. All I could do was squeeze her and say, “I know. It’s ok.” It was our first time to meet and, unfortunately, would be our last time to meet.

We found out on a few weeks prior that M had chosen us. She was due with her baby girl in a few short weeks. I vividly remember the moment I received that phone call. “She has chosen you guys.” I hit my knees in my office and sobbed uncontrollably. It was just one of those moments that I felt the heaviness I had been carrying for quite some time. We could not have been more excited!

But, I walked back into my office after getting the news about M’s baby being born and called my husband. The baby was born and the agency informed us that it was looking like a faiIed adoption. I can’t even remember what was said. Maybe we said nothing at all and just felt the heaviness of what was happening. All we could do was wait. Wait and hope. Wait and pray. Hadn’t we done enough waiting already? Waiting for what? The next disappointment? The next door slammed in our faces?

I was so angry. So angry with God. So angry with the situation So angry with a broken system. So angry about the money that would be lost. That weekend seemed to last forever as we waited to hopefully hear from M. For her to call us and say “The baby is here. Come get her.” The call never came. The call that did come was from the agency telling us that they were considering this was looking like a failed adoption. I ripped off my jacket, threw it, and screamed. Just this raw scream that I thought, if loud enough, could blow away all of the pain. We had a choice to make. We could “call it” or we could continue to wait to see if M would call. On Sunday, September 30, we decided that we could no longer wait and were ready to accept this as a failed adoption.

Almost as quickly as the years of waiting turned into joy, that joy turned into sorrow. I didn’t want to hear scripture. I didn’t want to pray. I didn’t want anyone to tell me that everything happens for a reason, that she wasn’t meant to be ours. I was hurt and I wanted to stay in my hurt. I truly believed that beauty would come of that loss. I knew it would and I knew that because of my belief in the promises of my God. But my heart ached and my grief over that loss was stronger than anything I had ever felt before. Friend, it’s not only okay, but it’s perfectly natural and normal to feel both or all or none or other. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to process grief. It will come in ebbs and flows but the grace of God is constant. What is true and right and comforting is the unfailing love of a God who, I promise you, does have an incredibly beautiful, perfect plan for your life. Rest in that. “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9.

We spent time in our sadness and even still I revisit that loss sometimes, but we chose not to live there. Not by any strength of our own, but by the power of Christ we were able to choose faith. Families and friends encouraged us to take time to heal, take a break, but something about that loss renewed us. Embers still burned under those ashes and God used them to spark a new fire within us. We chose to begin receiving situations again. We chose to be “all in”, to completely trust in God 100% in every aspect of our adoption journey and our lives. We were chosen by an expectant mother on the very next situation we presented to. Less than two months later she gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl and signed consents to place her with us. Today we have a 6 month old baby girl who is absolutely the light of our lives. We celebrated the finalization of her adoption two months ago. She is incredible. She is the beauty that came from every loss we faced. She is the living, breathing proof of God’s grace and goodness. I can’t imagine our lives without her. And not just any “her”, but actually HER. Every little thing that make her exactly who she is. Her eyes. Her grin. Her sweet personality. The way she responds to our voices. Everything about her. I would do it all over again as many times as it took to get to her. Every part of us is stronger and better suited to raise her in God’s love and grace because of all we have experienced, because of everything we went through.

I can’t tell you that I now understand all of the “whys.” My God is too powerful for my feeble mind to comprehend all of his marvelous works. I don’t know why we had to suffer, but I know beauty came from it. I don’t know why we had to wait, but beauty came from it. Our daughter came from it and I wouldn't change any of it. I don’t know God’s purpose for that first baby girl or M who were momentarily in our lives, or us in theirs, but I know that it was never to be her parents or for her to be our daughter. I know that we still pray for her, that I call out her name to the Lord and I lift her up, and maybe we are the only ones who will ever pray for her. Maybe that was our purpose. I can only guess at the reasons and the whys but I find new beauty every time I look back, in the little things, in the big things. God’s handprints are all over our journey and they are all over yours too. Friend, if you are walking through a failed adoption right now, do not lose hope. Do not think your story is over. It isn't. God is at work, even when we can't see what He's up to. Don't give up.

Adoption Story: Dan + Ashley

May 06, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Adoption Stories

It was such an honor to walk through the adoption process with Dan and Ashley. Their journey has not been an easy one by any means, but they have trusted God every step of the way. I have been encouraged by their faith and hope in God, despite their circumstances. Dan and Ashley, it was such a privilege to walk this road with you and I know so many others will be encouraged by your story!

Adoption was never our backup plan. For as long as I can remember, I envisioned adopting a child into our family, even as a little girl. What I didn’t know as a little girl was that adoption would be the only way we could build a family.

After enjoying our marriage for a few years, Dan and I tried to conceive. We knew it could be difficult given the fact that Dan was diagnosed with Stage II Hodgkin's Lymphoma when he was 17. Although he is healthy and cancer-free today (Praise God!) the treatments he received impacted his fertility. At the same time, I (Ashley) was diagnosed with PCOS, which would make it difficult for us to conceive naturally. We sought the help of a fertility specialist, and went through IVF. But our IVF cycle did not result in viable embryos. After that, we knew we had our answer: God was telling us that first we needed to grieve the loss of a biological family we always dreamed of. And second, God was leading us to adoption. This is how we would grow our family.

As we began researching ways to adopt, we became extremely overwhelmed. Mounds of questions stared us in the face. How do we select an agency? How do we know if that agency is ethical? Do we adopt in our home state, or a different state? How do we create a profile? Will we ever be chosen?

That’s when we found CAC and spoke with Kelly. We liked her immediately. She was kind, patient with us as we asked a million questions, and we could tell she had a heart for adoption. The fact that CAC vetted all of the agencies they work with to ensure they practice ethical adoption standards was huge for us. We also liked the fact that we would have an opportunity to present our profiles to expectant mothers at multiple agencies rather than being restricted to just one agency. Our hope was that we may be matched more quickly.

Kelly guided us through the process of getting set up and ready to present our profile to expectant mothers. Gathering all of the paperwork and documents that we needed to be “home study approved” was time consuming and exhausting. Then there was the wait, which is probably harder than all of the paperwork put together. Waiting to present our profile. Waiting for expectant mothers to make a decision on our profile. Hearing “I’m sorry, she chose another family.” And waiting again for the next opportunity to present. Not only did Kelly sent us encouraging texts and emails to help us in that wait, she prayed for us. She also helped educate us on positive adoption language, and was pivotal to opening our hearts and minds to open adoption.

Less than three months into our adoption journey, we got the call we’d been dreaming of, “She chose you!” We couldn’t believe it. We were chosen to parent a baby girl due in just a few short months! But those months were filled with doubt and uncertainty. I still won’t forget the day when we got a call from our agency telling us that the expectant mother had changed her mind. The baby had been born, and she decided to parent. While we understood and respected her decision, we were heartbroken that this baby girl we had spent months praying for and preparing for was not going to come home with us. We were crushed and had to grieve yet another loss. But we are firm believers that everything happens for a reason. And for whatever reason, this baby girl was not meant for us, she was meant to be raised by her biological mother, which is beautiful in itself.

For the next few months, we went back to waiting and presenting. And I changed my prayer -- I stopped praying for God to give us a child, and instead I began praying for God to bring us an expectant mother who we could build a lasting relationship with. We believed that eventually God would give us a child, in his timing. What was most important to us was an expectant mother who we could love, just as Christ loves us.

Nine months after starting our adoption journey, we were matched with another mother expecting a baby boy! From the first time we spoke with her on the phone, we felt a connection. We met in person just a couple weeks later, and our love for each other grew. This woman has a huge heart. She is beautiful both inside and out, loves fiercely and is one of the strongest women I know. We walked alongside her for the remaining months of her pregnancy. Texting almost constantly throughout the day, and seeing her again in person one more time.

This incredible women gave me the honor of being by her side during her c-section. I had the privilege of seeing her baby boy be brought into this world. It was a moment that I will never forget filled with emotions that I can’t quite describe. She even gave us the privilege of caring for her boy the two days she was in the hospital -- giving us the opportunity to bond with this precious baby. Two days later, she made the hardest decision she’s ever had to make. She put all her trust in us to be the best parents we could be for her son. The weight of the decision is not lost on me. And the love she has for her son is undeniable.

This woman made me a mom, and I’m so grateful for that. The bond we share is sacred and unbreakable. We are so grateful for this open adoption and the relationship we share with her. Our son, Connor, is four months old now and we still talk frequently. We share photos back and forth, and have plans to see her again before he turns one. She will forever be a part of our lives. Open adoption is beautiful, and one day Connor will be able to talk to his biological mother about her decision. When God sent us this woman, he truly answered my prayers! Everything that led us to this moment -- the infertility and the disrupted adoption -- now makes sense, and we’re grateful for all of it.

Dan and I learned a lot about ourselves during this journey. We learned how to communicate better with each other. We learned how to pray and listen to God. We learned how to love. We learned how to lean on our friends and family when we just didn’t think we could go any further on our own. We learned that adoption is beautiful and broken, but born from love and loss. We learned how to open our hearts and minds in ways we never imagined. This journey through infertility and adoption strengthened our marriage in ways that “the easy way” could never have done. We learned how to process our emotions and let ourselves feel. We learned how strong we really are, but understanding that’s a strength that could only come from our loving Savior.

***If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me, Kelly Todd, at kelly@christianadoptionconsultants.com and check out Christian Adoption Consultants for more information!***

Yes, It Matters Where Your Adoption Advice Comes From

March 28, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Adoption Education

As an adoption consultant with Christian Adoption Consultants, I've seen a drastic increase in the amount of questions that are asked about ethics, agencies, attorneys, fee structures, expectant mother/birth mother care, etc. As an adoptive mother and someone guiding families through the adoption process, I find it very encouraging that families are doing their research and asking the hard questions.

There are a ton of different avenues online where hopeful adoptive families can acquire information regarding adoption. From a quick online Google search to adoption support groups on Facebook-there is so much information out there! There are plenty of amazing adoption resources accessible to families. But, at times all of the information can be very overwhelming. In fact, I've had many families tell me just that. How do you know who you can trust? How do you know what information is accurate?

When I was working on my Master's degree in counseling I wrote many research papers. As a part of my work, I was required to include peer reviewed articles and journals. Peer review means these articles and journals had gone through an extensive series of evaluations by experts and scholars to establish their validity. I couldn't just pick a topic to write about and then "Google" my way through it to make my point. I had to ensure that the material being researched adhered to the highest credentials by the experts on that topic.

We live in a day and age where anyone can learn anything about anything. Although this has many benefits, it also reaps consequences. The consequences are that false, inaccurate and/or incomplete information about a topic has become easily accessible and transmitted to the general public. How many times have you stayed up late at night Googling your symptoms, only to be self-diagnosed with some crazy, rare disease based on someone's random post in a discussion board? Although we can glean a lot from others personal experiences, when it comes to something as important as your health, one would think you’d at least want confirmation on this crazy rare disease by an expert in the field: your doctor.

When my husband and I were researching adoption we quickly realized how much we didn't know about it. I'm so thankful our paths crossed with Christian Adoption Consultants. We felt more at ease knowing they were truly professionals in the field and had been around since 2006, assisting over 2,500 families on their adoption journey. The directors were more than just adoptive parents, they had founded 3 licensed adoption agencies in 3 different states, and had experience in working with adoption attorneys, social workers and case managers as well as state licensing specialists. When we signed on with CAC we weren't just getting access to one adoption consultant, but rather a team of 20 adoption professionals with 120 years of combined professional adoption experience. Four months after we signed on with CAC, we brought our twins home. And we could not have done it without their guidance, encouragement, support and prayers.

Shortly after the birth of our twins, I joined the team at CAC. Although our team has adopted 45 kids (and counting!) between all us, our knowledge goes beyond our experience as adoptive parents. We have team members that hold degrees ranging from masters to bachelors in the counseling, social work, child welfare and human services fields. Additionally, we have a licensed social worker on staff with over 17 years experience.

I'm a firm believer in doing research and asking the hard questions. How do you learn if you don't ask? But I'm also a big proponent in checking your facts and verifying credentials, especially in a day and age where anyone can be an expert. As an adoption consultant, I'm still learning and growing in this field-that will never stop! But I've found that with so much information at our fingertips we can't just accept any information that comes our way. We have to push back and ask questions. Here are some helpful questions to ask yourself as you are filtering through adoption information:

1. Where did you acquire this information? Who is the author? Adoption Facebook support groups are great places to learn from other's adoption experiences, but just as you would go to a doctor to verify your Google imposed self-diagnosis, confirm said information with an adoption professional/expert.

2. Is this a fact or opinion? Facts can be verified. Opinions cannot. Just because a lot of people are saying it doesn't mean it's true. It's very easy to repeat information others have heard or said because it sounds right or is dressed in a pretty package. But, do your research. Make sure the sources are credible.

3. When was this information published? The adoption world is constantly changing. While doing your homework make sure you’re looking at the date it was published to ensure it’s relevancy for adoption today.

4. Are they a part of a reputable adoption organization? There are many things that make an organization reputable: education and experience in the field are just a few.

5. What is their relationship to adoption? Are they an adoptee? Birth mom/parent? Adoptive parent? Social worker? Knowing this information will give great insight into where they are coming from. For example, I'm not an adoptee or a birth mother. I can only speak to what I've learned from other adoptees and birth mothers. But, that is second-hand information. That doesn't mean I can't share what I've learned or discredit the information, but it's important for the audience to be aware of the sources relationship to adoption when speaking on it.

6. What topic are they discussing and what are their credentials? For example, someone who is discussing ethics and how it relates to an agency: Do they have any experience working at or with an adoption agency/attorney? Are they a social worker? Have they counseled expectant mamas/ birth parents before? If they haven't personally, are they a part of an organization that has where they are receiving education to be equipped with the knowledge they need to be discussing said topic?

I can't tell you how many people have come to me with inaccurate adoption-related information regarding something they read in an adoption support group on Facebook or the comment section of someone's Instagram account. I’ve seen false information regarding adoption that was essentially just parroted from something that someone else read or heard. It’s my hope that these questions will serve as tools to help you filter through information that crosses your path.

Adoption Story: Craig + Camille

March 05, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Adoption Stories

Have you ever met someone and just known instantly that there was something special about them? That was my experience with Craig and Camille. Their love for Jesus and faith in God is so evident and has often been an encouragement to me. I spoke to Camille for the very first time in November and they signed on with me at Christian Adoption Consultants a few weeks after our initial conversation. They were matched 4 months later with a sweet baby girl! I will never forget the excitement in my heart when they called to tell me they had been chosen. I was cooking in the kitchen and as I got the news from my sweet family tears of joy streamed down my face. It was such an honor to have a front row seat in watching God’s beautiful plan unfold for their beautiful family. I encourage you to grab a few tissues as Camille shares about their story and God’s faithfulness to their daughter, Annesely Rose.

We thought about adoption for a couple years before feeling God's nudge to begin the process. We crossed paths with Kelly Todd at Christian Adoption Consultants when we were nearing the end of our home study. I’m so grateful we did! We appreciated their multi-agency approach, and we felt more at ease with the adoption process knowing that CAC had heavily vetted these adoption agencies and attorneys. It was so important for us to work with an ethical adoption agency! One of the things that intimidated me most about the adoption process was creating a profile. I was so relieved to know that Kelly would make our book for us, and because of this we felt like we could confidently present to situations. The guidance and education Kelly provided for us was another reason we chose to move forward with CAC. She helped us evaluate the risks, encouraged us when we were discouraged, and answered all of our questions.

During the process my main fear was whether we would ever be chosen. That fear mainly crept in because of my human impatience; I know I'm getting older and want to have energy to care for my child. After we were home study approved we started receiving situations. We presented several times and were told “no.” We started to feel discouraged and wondered if we would ever be parents. One day we were contacted by an agency about a specific situation. We both felt very strongly that God was leading us down this path and so we decided to present. We were so excited to find out we had been chosen!

A few weeks later we received a phone call from the agency stating that the baby had been born that morning - 5 weeks early. She continued to list other things such as length, weight, etc, but everything became a blur when she mentioned the baby had Down Syndrome. This was not something we were aware of prior to her birth. At the same time we received this news, we were actually in a state of grief as both of our grandmothers had passed away within the previous few days. We had been preparing for funerals and were not expecting to travel for another month.

Even though this news had taken us by surprise, we knew it wasn’t a surprise to God. We collapsed into each other's arms and immediately began praying. We also texted Kelly and pleaded for her prayers during this time. After an hour of praying, reading the Bible, crying, and talking, we felt a definite peace in our hearts. We knew this baby was our baby girl and even though we felt unprepared, we knew that God would equip us with everything we needed to be the best parents we could be. When we arrived at the hospital we were finally able to meet our daughter, Annesely Rose, for the very first time. We loved her as soon as we were matched with her; however, when we first saw her, we realized how much we loved her, and it was even more evident when we could hold her for the very first time.

Throughout this adoption journey, God has taught us that we are not in control - He is. We should have known this all along and sometimes think we do, but deep down we still often try to control things ourselves. We look back in amazement at how God orchestrated all this. We love our little girl and are so thankful that she is in our lives. We feel God has a special plan for her and are just thankful that it includes us!

Encouragement For The Waiting Room

February 21, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Waiting In Adoption

Last fall I was diagnosed with cancer again. Although I’m healed and healthy today, I spent many hours in the waiting room. As a childhood cancer survivor, I’ve grown more than accustomed to waiting. Waiting to be seen by doctors. Waiting to hear back about a biopsy. Waiting to get a 2nd and 3rd opinion. Waiting to find out the final diagnosis.

In November while I was laying in a big, noisy machine, waiting for the MRI to be finished, I was thinking about how waiting rooms aren’t just spaces for cancer patients. All of us have our own waiting room experiences. Maybe you’ve been hoping for years to see a positive pregnancy test. Maybe you’ve been told no a dozen times by expectant mothers in the adoption process. Perhaps you are waiting to hear back from the doctor on some major health issues. Maybe you’ve been praying for years asking and pleading with God for that “one thing.” They might not look all the same, but they all entail waiting with a sense of uncertainty.

As an adoption consultant with CAC, I work with many families who are in their own kind of waiting room. Some of them have been there longer than others, but all have endured a sense of unknown about their journey at one point or another. I’ve been there before too. It’s difficult. Sometimes it feels as if you’re on a roller coaster of emotions. It can be exhausting. It’s difficult to trust God when we don’t know where our journey will take us. But, that’s what He calls us to do. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding (Proverbs 3:5) One of the (many) things I’ve learned through spending time in the “waiting room” is that God doesn’t leave us to ourselves. He is right there with us, holding our hand. He is a good Father who loves us more than our earthly minds will ever be able to comprehend.

I’ve compiled some encouraging Bible verses, quotes, songs and blog posts that have provided a sense of hope to me during times of uncertainty. I’ve clung to many of these truths during times of despair. I’ve sat in the waiting room and soaked my pillow listening to and praying through some of these songs. It is my prayer and hope that wherever you are in your journey, your soul would be encouraged as you reflect upon these words and promises that are true for you.

TRUTHS
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
-Isaiah 40:28-31

"I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I hope..."
-Psalm 130:5

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
-2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
-Isaiah 55:8

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, generations, for ever and ever! Amen.”
-Ephesians 3:20-21

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
-Isaiah 41:10

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
-Joshua 1:9

A FEW OF MY FAVORITE QUOTES

BLOG POSTS:

God is Working In Your Waiting

The Unwelcome Gift of Waiting

The Wait is Never Wasted

THE WAITING ROOM PLAYLIST

Adoption Story: Michael + Chelsey

February 18, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Adoption Stories

I remember the first time I spoke with Michael and Chelsey over the phone. We talked for at least an hour and I knew within minutes that there was something special about this couple. As their adoption consultant, I not only had the honor of guiding them through the adoption process, I got to know them very well throughout their journey! And I can tell you that I have seen them walk through the unknowns, heartache and loss with the kind of joy and hope that can only be found in Jesus Christ. As Chelsey beautifully explains below, their story is one of God’s faithfulness, grace, mercy and unconditional love. It is my prayer that you will be encouraged by their faith, as I have.

“The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease.
Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning.”
-Lamentations 3: 22-23-

A mother takes her young son into a store. The store owner approaches the young boy and tells him to take a hand full of candy. The young boy looks up to the store owner and asks if he would get the candy for him. Later that day the mother asks her son, “Why did you ask the store owner to get your candy instead of getting it yourself?” The boy replies, “because his hands are bigger than mine.”

A coworker of Michael told us that story as we packed to go to Florida to await the birth of our baby girl. I couldn’t fully comprehend the meaning behind the story at the time. All I could do was trust. Trust that God’s hands were bigger than mine and He would give us more than we could grab ourselves. Now I understand.

Michael and I knew pretty quickly that we wanted to be parents. It was just the next step and we had no reason to believe we would encounter any problems. Until we did. And the months turned into years. The “trying” turned into diagnoses and surgeries and procedures. The hope turned into despair. The dream turned into a very cruel reality that having biological children was not likely.

We knew that adoption was next. After giving ourselves time to heal from the excruciating loss of that dream, we began researching and pretty quickly decided we were interested in hiring a consultant. We made a phone call to Christian Adoption Consultants in December 2017. Let me tell you, I don’t think I’ve ever been so nervous in my life to make a phone call. No answer, but shortly thereafter we received a call back from Kelly Todd. It only took a few minutes for Kelly’s kind, soft voice to dissipate my fears and anxieties about the call. After speaking with her, we decided to dive in. In January 2018 we signed on with CAC and truly began our adoption journey.

By June we were home study approved and ready and excited to begin receiving situations! I’m not sure what I expected but the realities of a large majority of these situations left my heart heavy. I remember asking Kelly if they would all be that way and her answer shed a new light on the journey. She explained that adoption is full of brokenness. Expectant mamas are making an adoption plan for their baby because of the difficult situation they are in. They want a better life for their child. I don’t know what kind of fantasy land I was living in or why, but I needed that explanation. We received a ton of situations, some we presented to and some we didn’t. We didn’t know how to choose whether or not to present and I’m so thankful for a conversation with Kelly during which she reminded me that there was nothing we could do or not do that would ruin God’s plan for our family.

The first few times we presented we were met with “She has decided to move ahead with another family.” Ugh. It was incredibly disappointing. I couldn’t understand what was “wrong” with us. While presenting to one particular situation and awaiting the expectant mother’s decision, I remember feeling defeated. I remember sitting on our couch crying and I looked at Michael and said, “I just want a ‘yes’. I don’t think we’re ever going to get a ‘yes’.” The next day we received a phone call that the expectant mama had chosen us! She said “yes” to us! We were matched! Unfortunately, within just a few weeks, our match failed. Shattered. Our hearts were shattered. Our “yes” turned into an ugly, glaring, painful “no.” Our families told us to take time, that we needed a break. Others told us it was okay to stop trying. I kneeled on the floor of this beautiful nursery in our new home and sobbed. I had been thinking all along that I was believing and trusting in God and in that moment I knew I had not. Not really. I wanted God to give me MY gift the way I wanted it in MY time.

Something about that failed match lit a fire inside of both of us. We were finally “all in.” No more fear, no more analyzing or assessing, no more trying to control, no more forcing. Just trusting. Just saying “yes” to God, down whatever road He would have us go. Just a few weeks later we found out that an expectant mama we were presenting to had chosen us. Being scared would have been the easiest thing to do, but we had vowed to choose faith over fear, so we did. With hope and joy, we gave our hearts to this expectant mama. Less than seven weeks later, she laid her heart, in the form of her beautiful newborn baby girl, in our arms.

I can’t begin to describe the feelings. The pain, the waiting, the longing, the emptiness, the barrenness, the grief, the loss… it all culminated into that moment when we walked into a labor and delivery room at 3:30 AM after driving 10 hours through the night and had our baby girl laid into my arms.

We have been floating since. Our sweet girl turned 10 weeks old today and I still can’t help but stare at her and cry, because of my love for her but also because of God’s love for us. She’s absolutely perfect. God’s hands were so much bigger than mine or Michael’s.

Does it all make perfect sense now? Some would tell you “yes”, but I’ll be honest with you and tell you “No, not exactly.” My little mind is just not capable of understanding God in all his power and wisdom. What I do know, what does make perfect sense, is that God knows. I don’t know when or how or why he chose this baby girl for us. I can’t begin to fathom, but I know I’m as proud of her as if I had made her myself. I know that God knew how our story would unfold long before we did. I know that God is incredible and I stand in complete wonder and awe of His amazing love.

The process of adopting was not an easy one. There were days when it was just hard, in every sense. There were moments when I couldn’t find the strength to even dream of holding our child in my arms. Each and every time, though, God sustained us. God lifted us up, he strengthened us, he renewed our hope, and he covered us in his faithfulness. Like he has always done and like he will always do. Our story is not one of our faith or endurance, but of God’s grace and mercy. Of his ability and willingness to grab a handful of candy for us because his hands are so much bigger than ours and he can hold abundantly more.

If She Doesn't Choose Your Family

February 09, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Waiting In Adoption

What's wrong with our family? Why aren't we being chosen? Is there something undesirable about us? Are we too old? Are we too young? How many times will we hear a no before we hear a yes? These are common questions I get from potential adoptive families at some point in their adoption journey. Many times families enter the adoption process after years of struggling with infertility. Month after month, year after year, dozens of negative pregnancy tests are tossed in the trash-a silent, but excruciating “no.”

After hearing no after no, you may begin to feel your situation is hopeless. It can be tempting to think that every no you receive is rejection, as if someone is screaming with a megaphone right in your face, "this is never going to happen." But I'm here to remind you that your situation is not hopeless. Your situation isn't hopeless because God is still writing your story. Even the no’s are a part of that plan. He hasn't put down the pen. He just works at His own pace in His own time. I can assure you with full confidence that however difficult your situation may be, it is not hopeless. Although I don't know how or when your family's story will unfold, I know God does. I'm trusting that the one who called you to the adoption process in the first place has not forgotten about you, even when at times it may feel otherwise.

The road I'm going to encourage your heart to go down won't be a popular one. It won't be a popular one because it doesn't end or begin with the promise of a child. As Christians pursuing adoption, it should be our deepest desire that these expectant mamas make the best decision for their child- whether that be choosing another family or being empowered to parent. Even if she doesn't choose your family, there is still reason to have joy. "How can that be, Kelly? Are you asking me to be happy over the fact that we were not chosen? That seems rather dismissive of our feelings." I'm not asking you to have a fake or false sense of happiness over the fact that your family wasn't chosen. I'm not saying you should just "get over it." I'm not encouraging you to dismiss your sadness or feelings of disappointment. As someone who has walked through infertility and the adoption process, I know it is not an easy journey. But as you're processing through these heavy feelings, I encourage you to look up to Christ. Look at what God is doing. I'm asking you to remember that even in your disappoint there is a reason to have joy in this situation. This expectant mama chose life for her child. This expectant mama considered all of her options and chose life. This expectant mama connected with another family. This expectant mama chose a family to parent her child. As Christians, we can hold both disappointment and joy in the same hand because we know that God is working through all of these things.

At times you may look around the adoption community and compare: "How did they match so quickly? What are they doing that we aren't?" In my experience, comparison only leads to further disappointment and it's also pretty good at stealing your joy. When my husband and I were struggling with infertility it seemed like everyone around us was getting pregnant so easily. I had to get off Facebook for a bit of time because I couldn't handle all of the pregnancy announcements blowing up my newsfeed. At times I felt consumed by jealousy and bitterness. I forgot to fix my eyes on Christ. God was doing a work in my heart, but I I couldn't see it because I was so blinded by what I wanted. I can honestly say that I'm so grateful that God didn't give me what I wanted when I wanted it. Why? Because if He had I would have missed out on some major heart growth that God needed to do in me. Why? Because if He had I wouldn't be the person and parent I am today. Why? Because if He had we wouldn't have started the adoption process when we did and Roman and Ruby wouldn't be our son and daughter. And I just can't imagine our world without them.

Perhaps your journey to growing your family through adoption is taking longer than you expected. Perhaps you’ve heard more than a dozen no’s and are starting to think that it’s never going to happen. Maybe you’ve looked around and noticed other families match quicker than you. Perhaps you’ve wrestled with the lie that something is wrong or undesirable about your family. My prayer for you is that you wouldn’t let the delays deter you from the desire God has placed on your heart. God never promises that our road will be easy, but He does promise to equip us with everything we need to accomplish everything He has called us to. Don’t forget that He is doing a work even when you can’t see it. He is doing a work even through the delays, detours, and even all of the nos. And even if she doesn’t choose your family, God is still writing your story. It isn’t over.

Cancer Doesn't Win

February 02, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Faith

2018. What. A. Year. I turned 31 yesterday and I can’t believe how quickly the year has come and gone. It was a great year. But a painful one. Last fall we received some unexpected and shocking news: another tumor was found-this time in my leg. Our world was rocked. Test after test, biopsy, surgery, fear, uncertainty, praying and waiting-that’s what the end of last year looked like for our family. I will never forget the conversation with our oncologist: “Cancer, it’s definitely cancer, probably another sarcoma, but it’s proving really hard to diagnose.” There is something scary about being a medical anomaly, as if your body is an unsolvable puzzle. Without the diagnosis we didn’t know what further treatments would be required. We couldn’t move forward. I felt stuck, stuck in a scary place of unknowns, doubt and uncertainty about my future, about my kids future and about our family’s future.

I was extremely scared. This was my 6th surgery. This was my 6th tumor. I’ve sat in the oncology wing many times before. But something was different this go around. There were 2 other factors in the equation: my son and daughter. My heart ached thinking about how this may affect them. I didn’t want them to see me sick. We prayed every night as a family that recovery would be fast and that God would heal my body completely. God, once again, drew our hearts closer to Him through the cancer. Hearing my 2.5 year old twins pray unprompted for God to “make mommy’s boo boo better” and as they sang along with me to “Great is Thy Faithfulness” brought me to my knees (and to tears). Even though the surgeon took a fist-sized chunk out of my muscle, I mended up really quickly, with minimal pain and no limitations. He healed my body again! Now I just have another really rad scar-another visible reminder and story of God’s faithfulness.

Technically we still don’t have a definite answer as to what type of sarcoma was in my leg. And we’ve been told by one of the top pathologists in the country that we may never know. The pathologists were left “stumped.” But, here’s the good news: because the tumor was so small, isolated and they were able to get it all no further treatment was or will be required. God answered our prayers!

Physically I’m healed. Sometimes I even forget about the surgery unless I see the scar. As Ruby and Roman put it, “Mama’s boo boo all better.” And we are all praising God for that! But emotionally, living without a final diagnosis has proven to be more difficult for me than the surgery itself. I’ve wrestled with God in the dark places. I’ve cried. I’ve struggled with doubt, anger and sadness. But no matter where my thoughts go my heart keeps coming back this this truth: God is Most High. God is not like us. God is not perplexed by this situation. God isn’t in heaven twiddling His thumbs trying to figure out what this “unknown thing” is. He knows. He knows all things. I can’t help but think there is a reason He wants to keep me in this unknown space. And if He wants me to stay here than I can be certain it’s for my good and His glory-even on the days when it doesn’t feel like it.

There are moments when I get worried. What if the oncologist missed something? What if this cancer that can’t be diagnosed will somehow come back and defeat me? Then, I stop. I breathe. And I remind myself, “God is Most High.” Everything on this earth is subject to God. Even the cancer, even the tumor, even my fears-they all bow down to Him. When worry creeps in I just visualize the cells in my body, the fear in my heart, my doubts, my thoughts, everything bowing down to Creator and The Author of The Universe.

Regardless of what the future holds, I know God is on His throne. Cancer doesn’t win. Nothing can shake that and nothing can change that. And that’s a good thing for me. And that’s a good thing for everyone. Nothing. Not even the thing you fear the most can knock God off His throne. He is greater.

This has been a painful season. But even so, we have found great pockets of Joy in deep seasons of despair. This has been a time of learning to trust God in the unknown and with no guarantee of an answer. This has been a time of learning to trust God and His promises that are true for me even when the warm fuzzy feelings aren’t there. This has been a time of learning to trust God with my life and our family, knowing that He is the keeper of all things. Corrie ten Boom says it far more eloquently than I ever could, “When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer.” So that’s what we continue doing. We continue trusting and sitting in the unknown spaces, trusting that the Master Commander knows exactly what we need and He knows exactly where we are going.

How Grief & Hope Can Co-Exist In Loss

January 28, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Infertility & Adoption

The other night my family and I were driving home from Dreamland BBQ. Our 2.5 year old twins were giggling and singing, "Baby shark" in the back of our mini van on repeat. I looked back at my beautiful son as he said, "You sing it, mama." I proceeded to join in with silly hand gestures and facial expressions. Then, my sweet Ruby girl let out the most adorable belly laugh. She has a lot of different laughs, but that one's my favorite. Roman joins in with giggles and as I look back I can see his big dimples and pearly whites as the car's tail lights in front of us are shining on his face. There was so much joy in that space.

But then I noticed something. I started counting quietly in my head. "It's January....so our baby would have been 1...2...3...4...4 years old...4 years old..." I sat quietly for a moment. Apparently, it was longer than I realized because my husband noticed that I stopped singing. "You okay?" he asked. I was silent for a few more moments and then looked over at him, "Do you ever think about how old our baby would be?" He quickly replied in a somber tone, "Yes, I do."

I was working on my Master's degree in Counseling and unintentionally signed up for a course on grief and loss the semester that I miscarried. I learned a lot during this time. One thing in particular that stands out to me is that grief is messy. It can't be contained. Of course you can sweep it under the rug- that's your choice. But, it will remain there, demanding to be dealt with, demanding to be felt, heard-to be understood. Yes, there are technically 5-steps to the grieving process, but you can't cookie cut your way through them. Grief isn't here one day and gone tomorrow. Grief is dealt with in waves. It comes in ebbs and flows. C.S. Lewis says, "Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley, where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape."

Grief is unpredictable. I would have never guessed that such a happy moment with our twins could trigger thoughts of our unborn child. But then sometimes, that's how grief works. It comes when you least expect it. It comes out of the blue. It comes during should-have-been birthdays and would-have-been holidays with that extra person sitting at the end of the dinner table.

A year after our miscarriage I was not in a good place emotionally. "Shouldn't you be over this, Kelly? I mean, it's been a year. God has blessed you with a beautiful life." I had falsely formed a belief that one day I would wake up and just be "over it." But, how could I? We are talking about a precious life here-a baby that we never got to hold earth side. I believe my belief was mistakenly influenced by how society views death.. We live in a culture that really doesn't understand how to respond to suffering and people who are grieving. Comments like, "it will happen for you one day" or "miscarriages are very common" are at their core dismissive statements that prevent the individual from being able to express and process their grief in a healthy way, further delaying their ability to heal.

Don’t let the world’s poor understanding of suffering and loss prevent you from processing your feelings in the healthy way that God intended you to. Contrary to what the world may tell you, grieving isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of strength and spiritual and emotional maturity. It takes courage to look your feelings in the face and actually deal with them.

My prayer for you is that you would give yourself time and space to heal. Be kind and patient with yourself. Turn your eyes away from how the world responds to suffering and look to Jesus Christ as your example. When Jesus discovered his best friend, Lazarus died one of the very first things he did was weep. Jesus wept (John 11:35). He mourned with his friends and family. Upon hearing that His cousin John the Baptist was murdered we learn that Jesus withdrew to a quiet place (Matthew 14:13). We don't for how long, but one thing is for sure is this: if the Jesus Christ, the Perfect God-man needed time away to mourn the loss of His friends, than we need to give ourselves the grace to process our loss, without judgment and without expectations.

When you grieve it is my prayer is that you do not grieve without hope. Can hope and grief co-exist? If you’re a child of God, than absolutely they do. You can grieve with hope knowing that God is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). You can grieve with hope knowing that you are not alone and God will strengthen you and uphold you with his right hand (Is. 41:10). You can grieve with hope knowing that God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds (Psalm 147:3). You can grieve with hope knowing that nothing can separate you from the love of God-no death, no loss, no fear-nothing (Romans 8:28-29). We can grieve with hope knowing that you can cast all of your cares and anxieties on the Lord and He promises to sustain you (Psalm 55:22). You can grieve with hope knowing that one day Christ will return and he will wipe every tear from your eyes and there will be no more mourning and no more crying (Revelation 21:4).

After our miscarriage I felt like I was drowning in a sea of darkness. Obbie would come home from church and our sheets would be soaked with my tears. I was angry, bitter and depressed. But, God did not leave me alone in my despair. He pulled me out of the pit and gave my heart a reason to hope. “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent (Psalm 30:11) For me healing came when I stopped putting my hope in a positive pregnancy test and instead fixed my eyes on Christ and His promises that were true for me even when I couldn’t make it out of the bed. Friend, you may feel hopeless in your loss. You may be angry. You may feel like you are drowning in a sea of darkness. But, remember this: God isn’t scared away by any of your big emotions. He understands every single one of them. He is with you. He is keeping you under His wings and His love will never let you go.