Guest Post: What If My Adoption Journey Looks Different Than I Thought It Would?

Natalie lives in Pennsylvania with her husband, Darren, and their two children, Sophie and Levi. Natalie is a teacher and Darren is a police officer. They spend their time together raising sheep, pigs and chickens (plus numerous other creatures that reside on the farm) and watching the kids ride their horses. 

A few years ago, God called me to mission work. Literally, with a billboard. (That's a story for another day). I traveled to a children’s home in Guatemala for the first time. The next year, I went back. I knew God wanted me to get our church family excited and more involved in mission work. I thought that was it. I did what God asked of me. However, I quickly learned that God’s work is never done, and He was just getting started with me. 

About a week after I returned home from my second Guatemala trip, I felt a tug toward adoption. Everything in my path was about adoption. I simply could not get it out of my mind. One Sunday, our pastor preached about adoption, even though the topic in the bulletin was listed as something else. A friend came up to me and said, "That was a weird sermon." Weird for her, maybe. But I knew it was for me.

On Thursday of that week, I was doing a devotional entitled, "Discerning God's Voice." After studying, I prayed to God. I asked Him simply for a clear answer. He knows how stubborn I can be. I prayed, “God, if this is something you want for our family, you are going to have to be LOUD and CLEAR.”  

The moment I asked for that discernment, my phone rang. It was an agency calling that I had reached out to previously, to see if they could help me on my adoption journey. With tears in my eyes, I knew this was God calling. I knew our life was about to change. My husband Darren, and our two kids, Sophie and Levi, were on board and excited about adding to our family. 

In the summer of 2018 we were matched with a brave expecting mother who was due to have a baby boy at the end of October. She chose our family to raise him. We were over the moon excited! We couldn’t wait to add this little boy into our lives, but also his courageous mama too.  

A few months later we learned that the baby was born early, and a family member stepped in and would be taking him home. Shattered. Broken. This was a complete shock to everyone. Although we were grateful he was able to stay close to his mother, there is a distinctive pain that comes from preparing a place in your heart for a child that never comes. We felt like he was ours already. His nursery was ready, waiting for him. I had already packed his hospital bag and it was waiting by the door. We were absolutely devastated. But we always knew this would be a possibility in our journey. We took some time to heal before moving forward.

After our failed adoption, we kept presenting to other situations. We heard the words, “I’m sorry, she chose another family” more times than we could keep track of. To this day, I have a list of each expecting mama’s name so I could continue praying for them. But the journey became exhausting, and I began to question if I misheard God’s desire for our family. 

In June of the next year we were chosen by an expecting mother of twin boys! We were over the moon excited! Things were falling into place. We started to have phone conversations with this woman. She said she wanted us to be a family and hoped for an open adoption. We were thrilled! Our bond with her continued to strengthen and grow. At the end of summer, we flew to Arizona to meet her and accompany her to a doctor’s appointment.

When we returned home we received a call from the agency. The baby boys were here, and the mama had decided to parent. We were devastated. Darren and I were so heartbroken and angry. No, I did not carry these two boys in my womb, but they grew in our heart. We had their names picked out, our bags packed, and we were ready to go when we got the call. Sophie and Levi were ready to be a big sister and big brother. 

As hurt and confused as I was, I rested in God's embrace. God promised to never leave me, and He promised to be close when I'm hurting. I knew he would renew my strength and meet my needs. I wrote the following in my journal that day, “I do not understand His plan right now, but that's okay. Will we continue on our adoption journey and try again? I don't know that either. I do know that I will pray for this woman. If my purpose was to stand in the trenches and pray for her these last few months, then I am okay with that.”

Once the dust settled, we had a decision to make. We were mentally and emotionally drained at this point. I felt like I was not being a good wife or a good mother to my two children. Our finances had taken a major hit. After much prayer, sadly, we decided to end our adoption journey.

I felt like a failure. As if I had given up on what God had asked us to do. But, we serve a God of understanding, mercy and grace. I suddenly had an enormous peace about our decision. We said we would never completely shut the door. If there was a child in need, we would open our hearts and our home. 

When I was trying to make sense of everything, my husband felt that maybe God just wanted to know that we trusted Him. Darren did not get that audible or visual calling at the beginning of our adoption journey, but how could anyone say no to the many ways God was telling me to start the process?  Darren would get his opportunity at the end. 

Shortly after sharing the news with our church family, one of our friends sent a text to Darren. “I was doing my devotional today and for whatever reason, God was telling me to tell you to read the story of Abraham. I have no Idea what it means or if it will be helpful but I had to tell you.” As you may well know, the story of Abraham’s life is quite in depth and Darren wasn’t sure what area of Abraham’s life God was trying to speak on.  Shortly after receiving that text another friend was talking with Darren and said, “this all reminds me of the story of Abraham.” 

Right after that Darren went to Genesis and began reading. He felt a draw towards the story of Isaac. Abraham and Sarah had longed for a child so long, and now God wanted Abraham to sacrifice the very child that took years of waiting for. But in that moment, the willingness to obey was enough for God. There was a great peace about this story that Darren had, and he felt God asking, “Are you willing? Will you be faithful?” God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. Abraham obeyed. His faith in God was so great that he trusted God to do what was best. 

Now that I am on the other side, I do see the good that has come from our journey. One of the things that stands out to Darren and I is how our faith has grown. Through the pain and confusion, God drew our hearts closer to Him. Through the ups and downs of the process He created a dependency on Jesus in our hearts that couldn’t have been done apart from everything we went through. 

Also, we had the opportunity to pray for so many women and their families- the 2 expecting mamas we were matched with and the expecting mamas that chose other families. Did God want us to be there and support them for a period of time? Maybe. And if that’s the case, then I am completely honored that God would allow us the opportunity to do that. To this day, we think about those women and their children and we know that God continues to hear our prayers for them. That time was not wasted and our prayers were not wasted. 

I have days when I look back and still feel confused about our journey. I was so confident in what God was asking of me. Actually, I’m still confident of that. I am still figuring out the “why’s” of what we went through. I do know that God wastes nothing. God is committed to making me more like Christ (Phil 1:6). He promises to never leave me (Heb 13:5). God promises to be close to me when I’m hurting (Ps 34:18). He will renew my strength (Is 40:31) and meet my needs (Phil 4:19). 

If you are walking through a similar story, I pray that God will guard your heart and mind. I don’t know the reason for your pain, but lean into the One who does. You will come out on the other side stronger than you were before. You will find your purpose in this life after loss- purpose in the pain. It might not be today, or tomorrow, but it will come. 

Give yourself time to grieve; that’s very important. Not everyone will understand your sadness and that’s okay. We have gone through a miscarraige, and from my experience, the pain of a failed adoption is quite similar. In some ways, it felt worse. When we walked through our miscarriage, we knew that our baby was in the arms of Jesus. The babies we never met through adoption are living a life we know nothing about. We can pray for them, and pray for God to guide their steps. Today feels heavy, but His mercies are new each and every day. I pray that God will help you see that His work is not done, and joy comes in the morning.  

Guest Post: Choose Joy

I was scrolling through FB a few weeks ago and came across a post that one of Roman & Ruby’s favorite teachers wrote about choosing joy in unknown circumstances. I knew I had to share it over here, so I asked her if I could. She said, “yes!” Shawna Mohler is a wife, mom of two teenagers, an Early Childhood Educator and a follower of Jesus. I hope this post is an encouragement to you, as it has been for me!

3/25/2020

As I write this we are in the midst of a “Shelter in Place” order from the Governor of Illinois in response to the Covid 19 Pandemic that has taken the world by surprise.  As I sit here I feel some anxiety. I am sitting in the quiet of my own living room, in my pajamas, with a laptop in my lap. Why do I feel anxious? I believe for me, it's the unknown. I am a planner. I like to know what's going to happen, when it's going to happen and what I need to do to help. Give me a task and I will complete it. 

I don’t know why God wants me to write my thoughts down. I’m not a writer. I have no desire to write. So I am questioning why.  While I am questioning why, I feel Satan trying to fill my head with lies. “You can’t write. You don’t have anything important enough to say that you should write it down. No one is going to read or care what you write.” All of those statements may be true, but I remember the scripture in 2 Timothy 1:7 “for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self control”. Satan is trying to fill me with fear while God is calling me to obedience to listen and act.  So I sit here and I write, not knowing what God is going to do with these words. Not knowing a plan. Not knowing why.  The world around us is filled with fear, but we should be filled with “joy”.  Fear is contagious but joy is, as well. We all need more joy, especially now with the fear we see and hear all day long with the unknown of this virus.  

During the last twenty months I believe that God has been teaching me that I can not control what happens to me or around me. But, I do control how I respond to situations and to people.  I really can control how I respond. I know this statement is true. I wish I could say that I always respond the right way, but I don’t. I’ve adopted my own little saying in the last year and half that I tell myself and my family on a regular basis, “choose joy”.  I have a t-that says “Joy in the Journey”. The journey may be rough, but finding Joy in the midst of the journey is essential.  Again, I wish I could say that I am always joyful and that I always remember this statement, but I don’t. I start to slip into a “woe is me” mindset. Thankfully my God is so faithful and so generous, He gently...or not so gently...reminds me with one simple word: JOY. It’s my attitude that I can control, that allows me to choose joy.  

The dictionary defines joy as “the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation”. I can get caught up in that definition when I look at my own situations and surroundings. I can ask God “how do you expect me to have joy when I have had to go through so many hard and hurtful things?”  I have wrestled with the verse “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete lacking nothing” (James 1:2-4). I have questioned God on this one many times. How am I supposed to have joy in the middle of THIS? You surely didn’t mean for me to find joy in THIS situation? Do you know what is going on? Do you see THIS?  Each time I have questioned God I get a resounding, “YES”. Yes, I see you. Yes, I know what you are going through. Remember I knew it was coming before you did? Yes, I know you are hurting. But, Yes, I want you to find Joy.  

God wants me to find joy, not in my circumstances, not in my situation, but in HIM. He wants me to find true joy. Joy that only comes from knowing Him and living in obedience to Him. Joy that will flow from Him, through me, and to others. Joy that can only be described by saying, “You see that? You see that joy she has? That joy comes from being a child of the King.” 

I am learning though that choosing joy does not mean you won’t have bad days. That doesn’t mean you won’t be sad or have ‘moments.’ You will. It just means you don’t stay in those moments of sadness and hurt forever. You eventually choose joy.  I am choosing to replace hurt with joy. I am choosing to replace bitterness with joy. I am choosing to replace anxiousness with joy.  I am choosing to replace unforgiveness with joy. I believe that I can choose joy because I know where my joy comes from- Jesus.  I can choose joy because through Him I have a peace that surpasses all of my understanding.

Trust me here, I do not understand this world. But I do understand we live in a fallen world, marred by sin. I don’t understand why I have gone through the things I have gone through. I just have to give Him the glory for getting me through those trials and know that without Him, I would be lost and alone.  But thankfully I can rest knowing He is right here with me.    There is a song that we sing at church called “Hindsight”. When I hear this song I almost always have tears in my eyes.  The lyrics are too powerful to shorten, take time to read through the whole song,

Hindsight

Hillsong Young & Free

As I reflect

I find perspective

There in the best and worst days of this life

You were always on my side

You're in the pain

You're in the promise

And on the days the furnace finds my faith

You're the fourth within the flames

I don't need to know what the future says

'Cause if the past could talk it would tell me this

My God isn't finished yet

If He did it before He can do it again

So I'll trust Him with what comes next

For the God I know is known for faithfulness

Yeah, my hindsight says

I can trust Him with what's next

For the God I know

Is known for faithfulness

There's more ahead

Than what's behind me

'Cause through the highs and lows and in between

God You go ahead of me

And where You call me

I will follow

If the water folds beneath my feet

Then You'll pull me from the deep

I don't need to know what the future says

'Cause if the past could talk it would tell me this

My God isn't finished yet

If He did it before He can do it again

So I'll trust Him with what comes next

For the God I know is known for faithfulness

And my hindsight says I can trust Him with what's next

For the God I know is known for faithfulness

I don't need to know what the future says

'Cause if the past could talk it would tell me this

My God isn't finished yet

If He did it before He can do it again

So I'll trust Him with what comes next

'Cause my hindsight says I can count on this

My God isn't finished yet

If He did it before He can do it again

So I'll trust Him with what comes next

For the God I know is known for faithfulness

Yeah, my hindsight says I can trust Him with what's next

For the God I know is known for faithfulness

My God is known for His faithfulness. He has brought me through so much. How could I not trust Him with what comes next? When I begin to doubt and fear what is happening around me, I think of this song and let the words pour over me, I don’t need to know what the future says. The past (my past) tells me My God isn’t finished yet!

---

Shawna Mohler is a wife, mom of two teenagers, an Early Childhood Education and a follower of Jesus. She enjoys spending time with her family, hiking and spending time outdoors. She is very involved in her church and serving her community.

Adoptive Mother's Thoughts On An Open Adoption: The More Love The Better

When Roman grins at me with his handsome brown eyes and big dimples, I see glimpses of his beautiful birth mother. When Ruby skips across the room in her princess dress with her beads clicking and clacking, making music as they hit each other, I think back to a 30 year old picture her birth mother sent me of herself when she was a little girl and I see Ruby in it.  When Roman gets close to me, puts his hands on my face and presses his nose against mine as he says, "Nosey nosey kisses mama," I'm reminded, "That's our thing. I taught him that." When Ruby runs across the room and nearly squeezes my leg off as she says, "You're my favorite girl" I think of how many times she must have heard me tell her that. 

See, our children have two mothers-their birth mother, the woman who carried them for 9 months and birthed them into this world. The woman who loved/loves them so much that she placed them in the arms of another because at the time she felt that she could not provide the life she wanted them to have. The woman who calls to check-in and see how they are doing-how we are doing. The woman who delights in pictures of the twins, updates, Facetime calls, and artwork made by her son and daughter. And they have me-the mother who has loved them and taken care of them everyday from the moment they were lovingly placed in my arms by their birth mother. 

We’ve explained the twin's adoption story to them since they were itty bitty. We wanted them to know their story. We wanted them to know about the amazing woman who gave them life and loves them so much. Why? Because the more love the better. There is always room for more love. Our family didn't just grow by two when we adopted the twins, it grew by a lot more. Their birth family has become an extension of our family. We love them. We talk about them. The twins know them by name. There's a family picture of them hanging on our wall. They are family. 

The other day Roman was asking me questions about his birth mother. He said, "So, I have two moms?" And I said, "Yes." Prior to starting the adoption process I never thought I would answer a question that way. But it's the truth. And confirming that my son and daughter have two mothers, does not in any way take away from the substance of our relationship. It makes it stronger. Because there is strength in unity. There is strength in truth.

"Do you have two mommies like me and sissy?" Roman asked. I should have known this question was coming. Roman makes quick connections. 

Me: "No, I don't. But you know what? Daddy does."

Roman: "He does?" 

Me: "Yes. Mims (what they call my husband's mother) is his mommy. But he grew in another mommy's belly." 

Roman: "Like I grew in my birth mother's belly?"

Me: "Yes."

Roman: "Have I met her?"

Me: "No, you haven't. She had a boo boo when daddy was a little boy and she died. She's in heaven with Jesus now. But she loved your daddy so very much." 

Roman: "Like Mims loves Daddy and me and sissy?" 

Me: "Yes. Just like that." 

Roman: "I wish I could know her."

Me: "Oh, me too Bubby." 

Roman: "So we and daddy both have two mothers."

Me: "Yes."

Roman: "And they love us very much?" (He asks this question with a big smile on his face)

Me: "So much.”

Infertility & Mother's Day

My husband picked the kids up the other day from preschool. I was waiting at the door to greet them. They came running with papers in their hands and their backpacks dragging on the ground. Roman said with the biggest dimpled filled grin on his face, "Mommy! Mommy! We made something for you for your Birthday!" Ruby jumps in, "No, not for her Birthday, for Mother's Day! Here you go, mommy!" As I looked down at my beautiful and handsome almost 5 year old twins, my heart smiled. In that joy-filled moment I thought to myself, "These are the moments I dreamed about. These are the moments I prayed for."

For the first four years of our marriage I hated Mother's Day. I didn't want to hate it, but I did. For me Mother's Day seemed like a tease, marked with confusion, anger, jealousy, despair and bitterness. Although infertility affects women everyday of the year, for me Mother's Day was a sheer reminder to me of my broken body and my empty womb. Mother's Day was a reminder of what cancer took from me. On this day, more than any of the other days, I felt the accuser's lies yelling in my face, "You're not really a woman."

I miscarried in 2014 just two months before Mother's Day. I didn't want to go to church that Sunday. I was angry at God. I did not want to sit through another Mother's Day of the pastor asking all of the mother's to stand up so they could be honored and gifted with a flower. I wanted to stay in bed and cry and grieve. When our unborn child died, I felt like a piece of my heart died too. Those years were some of the darkest years of my life both spiritually and emotionally.

We later discovered through a few tests that the likelihood of me being able to bear children biologically would be medically impossible. Hopelessness and despair-two emotions that I became well acquainted with. When you think your identity as a woman is tied to being able to bear children and then you can't do the thing that you think your identity is tied to, hopelessness and despair typically follow. Shortly after we miscarried we moved to a little town just outside of Baton Rouge, Louisiana where I was introduced to an amazing counselor who loved Jesus and loved helping others. She was a gift from the Lord-a God send. The Lord used her in my life at a time when I needed it most.

Little by little I came to see the identity I had constructed in my head of what I was supposed to do or be as a woman had missed the mark. I got it wrong. As believers our identity is wrapped up in who Christ is and what He did on the cross. Our identity has nothing to do with us and everything to do with Jesus Christ. Seeing infertility through this Gospel lens is crucial for the health and wellbeing of our souls. How so? Because if we aren't careful we can allow our infertility to define us. And that's exactly what the accuser, Satan, desires. He wants us to become so wrapped up in our struggle with infertility that we forget the beautiful truth that in Jesus Christ we are complete. Satan longs for us to forget that it is in fact our Savior, not a negative pregnancy test, who deems our life worthy and gives us intrinsic value.

Although I am not consumed by my infertility like I once was, I still have sad moments and reminders of our loss. And that’s okay. It’s okay to be sad about sad things. God understands. And so I take my thoughts to Him and talk with Him about it. I don’t have to minimize my emotions or clean them up before I go to Him. I can just go to Him.

Overtime the Lord restored and redeemed that which was broken. He restored my heart and my mind. I don't walk around anymore thinking I'm less than because of my empty womb. I have joy. And not joy that can be found in anything this world has to offer. I'm speaking of the eternal joy found in Christ. The kind of joy that isn't swayed by circumstances because it's hope is secure in the Lord.

Our infertility led us to adoption. Adoption led us to our children. And now I am "mama" to my precious son and daughter, whom I can't imagine my life without. The Lord gives beauty for ashes and joy for mourning, friends. You may feel hopeless now, but that hopelessness will not be forever. "Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:5). I'm living proof.

He Withholds No Good Thing

For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.
Psalm 84:11

He withholds no good thing. These 5 words have been nourishment for my heart. God's Word, His promise, has been a healing balm to my spirit. I've clung to these words tightly over the past decade of my life and even more so over the past few years. 

I've asked God about His goodness and these “good things” while walking through some of the darkest nights. "Are you really good, God? I know you say that you withhold no good thing from your children, but I can't make sense of this." 

Negative pregnancy tests. 
Miscarriage and loss. 
Cancer surgery after cancer surgery. 
Unanswered prayers.

The other day I was sharing with a friend how I was desperately struggling with an unanswered prayer. But felt a lot of guilt around not being able to really believe that God wasn't withholding good from me. Because that’s how it felt…like God was withholding this from me.

She reminded me, "Kelly, I think it's okay to not feel okay right now." Her words rushed over my entire body from head to toe-body, mind and spirit. Then, a feeling of release ensued. All at once I felt the propensity of the weight I had been carrying. I recognized and named each thorn, each scar, and every piece of me that felt broken. I didn't try to make sense of it. I didn't try to push through immediately and find the purpose in the pain. Instead, I brought all of these broken pieces and fragments to Jesus. I laid them at His feet. I told Him I wasn't okay. I told Him how much my heart hurt. I told Him I didn't understand. I asked Him to help me. I told Him, “I know in your Word it says ‘you withhold no good thing from your children,’ but I’m struggling to believe this right now. Help me believe. Help me really believe."

Perhaps you can relate- the inner turmoil of knowing what God’s Word says, but your heart lagging behind, struggling to really believe. “God I know in your Word you say you have good things in store for me, but I just can’t see it now. Sometimes it feels like you are withholding this good thing from me.” If this is you, than I want you to know that you are not alone. I’m right there with you. I didn’t write this in “hindsight” looking back on the struggle. I’m in it now. I don’t have any quick fixes or cookie-cut answers for you. But I can tell what I’m doing. I’m continually running to the source of wisdom and asking Him to grant me wisdom and strength as I sit in the uncomfortableness and brokenness that comes with living in this fallen world.

The other day I was really struggling with this unanswered prayer and I didn’t feel like going to a conference that I was scheduled to attend. I made myself go anyway because I felt the Holy Spirit leading. As the speaker was sharing a bit of her story it resonated with some of the things I had been seeking the Lord about. I started tearing up because I knew that God wanted me in that room to hear everything the speaker had to say and in His kindness He got me there. I felt the Holy Spirit speaking directly to my heart as she continued to share,“Who told you that you’re missing out? Don’t you know that fullness is found in me!?”

Whatever you are going through-infertility, loss, the ups and downs of the adoption process, health issues, financial struggles, relationship issues, unanswered prayers, sit with the Holy Spirit and talk with Him about it. Ask Him for wisdom. God didn’t grant my unanswered prayer, but He gave me wisdom, generously, to be able to sit with the brokenness, while placing my hope in Christ and not my circumstances. He can do the same for you too, friend.

“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault,
and it will be given to you” (James 1:5)