Will Our "Yes" Ever Come?

April 07, 2020 by Kelly Todd in Waiting In Adoption

As an adoption consultant I’ve walked with many families through the adoption process from the very beginning of their journey to the end. It is such an honor and joy to serve families through their unique journey. When a family’s home study is complete and their profile is ready to go, they are ready to start applying with adoption agencies/attorneys and seeing situations.

As an adoptive parent and adoption consultant, I know there has been so much anticipation for this moment and now it's finally here! The time between presenting their profile and waiting for an expectant mother to make her decision can be overwhelming. There is a great deal of emotions and energy wrapped up in receiving a situation, evaluating and praying over it, choosing to present, and waiting on a response. When they receive a situation they begin thinking about "what could be." It's difficult to not imagine what their future may hold. While they are waiting on an answer they begin praying for this expectant mama and her unborn child. Minutes turn to hours. Hours turn to days. Still no answer. They continue thinking about "what could be." Then, they receive an answer. "She chose to move forward with another family." It is like an emotional roller coaster.

Hopeful adoptive families are some of the most courageous people I know. They continue journeying through this process even through the disappointment, heartache, unknowns and uncertainty. They keep on pressing forward and holding onto hope. Their faith inspires me. That's why I thought it would be helpful to include thoughts from a few of my CAC families who have had the same doubts and questions as some of you. I pray their words are an encouragement to you today.

"I can’t tell you how many conversations we had with Kelly Todd, our adoption consultant with CAC, asking her 'What’s wrong with us? What could we do differently? What can we change?' She would always reassure us and remind us to trust in God’s plan and His timing. But after a while this is difficult to hear. Kris and I questioned our decision to pursue this adoption. We questioned things, such as 'Are we too old? Do we have too many other children?' I remember asking Kelly during one of our many conversations, "How do we know when enough is enough? How do we know that we have followed the right path?' As I sobbed on the phone, she again said 'Renee, you have to trust that God has a plan for you.' At this point I was questioning every aspect of our current situation. But then we got a call that would change our lives forever. Although our journey wasn't easy, every 'no' led us to our daughter. We are so grateful for the story God has written for our family.”
-Kris & Renee

"The first few times we presented we were met with 'She has decided to move ahead with another family.' It was incredibly disappointing. I couldn’t understand what was wrong with us. While presenting to one particular situation and awaiting the expectant mother’s decision, I remember feeling defeated. I remember sitting on our couch crying and I looked at Michael and said, 'I just want a yes.' I don’t think we are ever going to get one.' The next day we received a phone call that the expectant mama had chosen us! She said “yes” to us! We were matched! Unfortunately, within just a few weeks, our match failed. Our hearts were shattered. Our 'yes' turned into a painful 'no.' Our families told us to take time, that we needed a break. Others told us it was okay to stop trying. I kneeled on the floor of this beautiful nursery in our new home and sobbed. I had been thinking all along that I was believing and trusting in God and in that moment I knew I had not. Not really. I wanted God to give me MY gift the way I wanted it in MY time. Something about that failed match lit a fire inside of both of us. We were finally 'all in.' No more fear, no more analyzing or assessing, no more trying to control, no more forcing. Just trusting. Just saying 'yes' to God, down whatever road He would have us go. Just a few weeks later we found out that an expectant mama we were presenting to had chosen us. Being scared would have been the easiest thing to do, but we had vowed to choose faith over fear, so we did. With hope and joy, we gave our hearts to this expectant mama. Less than seven weeks later, she laid her heart, in the form of her beautiful newborn baby girl, in our arms."
-Chelsey & Michael

"Every tear we shed in our desire for a child, God was right there, loving us, and wanting us to turn to Him. Though this timeline is not what we expected, we are so grateful that God loved us enough to do what’s best for us. We would encourage anyone who is pursuing adoption to persevere in hope, trust Him in painful and uncertain moments, and seek His heart and will for you. If you do these things, you and your story will be in His hands, and there is no better place to be." -Jim & Julie

When you are knee deep in a sea of unknowns and uncertainty it's difficult to have hope. When you are surrounded by feelings of discouragement, it's difficult to think about what could be. As an adoption consultant, I have walked with many families through many “no’s.” Never once did I hear them say that time wasn’t difficult. But let me tell you this: I have also never once heard a family ever say they regret what they went through to get to their child. I know all of my families would agree that every "no" was worth it because it led them to God's "yes" for their family. Hold on, friends. Hold on to hope. Hold on to God. He will never let you down.

***If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me at kelly@christianadoptionconsultants.com and check out Christian Adoption Consultants for more information!***

(Repost) Anxiety: How God Used It For My Good

April 03, 2020 by Kelly Todd in Faith

I originally wrote this post 2 years ago. But with everything going on right now, I thought it may be helpful for those who are struggling with anxiety and worry amid Covid-19. It was a good reminder for me to read again and take confidence in the fact that God loves and cares for us-big emotions and all!

Wouldn't it be great if we could just snap our fingers and by doing so all of our present concerns and worries would just be eliminated into thin air? As a self-professed "professional" worrier, I've often thought about how great it would be if someone had a "worry wand" where they could just zap away all of my anxieties with the flip of the wrist. Am I the only one who has thought this? I mean, wouldn't that be awesome?

As a childhood cancer survivor, I dealt with medical complications on a daily basis related to the treatments and surgeries I received. I still deal with some of those issues today, but they’ve become as normal to me as breathing air into my lungs. As a little girl, however, they were a great source of embarrassment, anxiety, and sickness. Throughout elementary school I had to be excused from class by my nurse multiple times a day to take care of these issues. Kids were curious and I would get nervous about how to answer their questions about where I was going or what I was doing. I was sick often all throughout school, constantly concerned about making up tests, missed assignments and how I would ever graduate. Although I participated in many extracurricular activities, there were times I was nervous and constantly on edge about whether or not these medical issues would flare up during an event or a performance-and a few times they did.

When I was younger I tried to convince myself through “pep talks” not to worry over these things. The more I told myself not to worry, the more I became consumed by anxiety-ridden thoughts. I had stored up Bible verses in my heart such as “Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink...” (Matthew 6) but I was conflicted because I was worried and I really didn’t know where to go from there. Even though I was a believer and clung tightly to promises that God was in control, He was keeping me, He hadn’t forsaken me, He had a plan for all things-I wasn’t immune to fear.

Six months after my husband and I started dating I was diagnosed again with cancer. There was a lot of unknowns and uncertainty surrounding my diagnosis. I was initially told by one of the top hospitals in the US that it was a very aggressive type of cancer and would require an immediate and intense chemotherapy regimin. But they weren’t 100% sure of the diagnosis so we opted to get another opinion. While waiting for further tests to be concluded, we took a family vacation to Florida to get away and enjoy the sunshine. I was so fearful about what my future would hold-would I even have one? I had read Matthew 6 about a thousand times at that point, about how I shouldn’t worry, but my faulty understanding of those verses left me struggling with guilt and condemnation over the anxiety I had. Can anyone relate to that?

One morning I woke up early before my family and stepped out onto the balcony of our condo. The morning sun greeted me and I just took in one big deep breath and exhaled, “I’m scared God. I’m so scared. Help me.” As I turned around to go back inside, a little yellow bird caught my eye. It was sunbathing on a white chair on our balcony. I knelt down to get a closer look and held out my hands. Assuming the little guy would fly away, I was surprised when he jumped right into my hands as if he belonged there. I thought back to Matthew 6 and realized my faulty understanding of those passages had been influencing the way I dealt with fear and anxiety.

Jesus wasn’t telling the people not to worry in the absence of worry. That would be absurd! He wasn't telling them to pick themselves up by their bootstraps, get rid of all of their anxiety and then come to Him. Jesus was telling them not to worry because He knew them well. He knew they were prone to struggle with anxiety and fear. He knew they were prone to forget God’s promises. But, you see, He didn’t just stop with a an empty suggestion. He pointed them towards their heavenly Father. “Don’t worry about your life…Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them (Matthew 6:25-26) Then, He reminded them that they are more valuable then these things. If God provided for these things, would He not also provide for them? Through studying the scriptures I learned I wasn’t alone in my anxiety and contrary to my initial interpretation, I wasn’t any “less of a Christian” because I struggled with it.

Just as I had learned to recognize that God has used my physical weaknesses to remind me of my need for a Savior, he has used (and continues to use) the anxiety in my life to draw me closer to Him. My worry throughout the years has led me into a dialogue of prayer with God. My struggles with anxiety have actually pushed me closer to the Lord because I am constantly aware of my great need for Him. Instead of trying to “self-help” my way out of anxiety, instead of trying to ignore it and act like it isn’t there (come on, we’ve all done that), I’ve learned to do what the author says in Psalm 55, “Cast all your cares on the Lord.” And God has met me there. God has met me in my honesty, and in my vulnerability and in my tears, and in my mess. He has met in my fear and in those dark places where I felt outnumbered by my thoughts. He picked me up and breathed life, His Word, into my lungs and He sustained me. And He continues to do so everyday.

If God hadn’t renewed my perspective through His word when He did, and if I hadn’t been able to see, through His grace, how He was using all of these difficult trials for my good and His glory, I know for certain I wouldn’t be equipped to handle the journey before me. It’s not that worry, doubt and sadness don’t exist anymore. They do. How could they not? I’m human. It’s just I’ve learned where to take with these feelings when they come pouring in-to the foot of the cross. And I’ve never been turned away. Christ always meets me where I am and greets me with His grace, truth and unconditional love. And He offers the same to you, my friend.

Remembering God is Greater Than Covid-19

March 29, 2020 by Kelly Todd in Faith

After 430 years in slavery (Exodus 12:40), God delivered the Israelites out of Egypt and out from under Pharaoh's rule in a mighty display of His power, dominion and glory. He sent 10 horrendous plagues and parted the Red Sea allowing the Israelites to escape from slavery into freedom. When they were hungry God made bread fall from the sky-literally (Exodus 16:4). But, they quickly forgot, worried, complained and traded in the promises of God for broken cisterns that could not satisfy.

I previously read through the book of Exodus with a critical and judgmental spirit regarding the Israelites journey. Do they not get it? Don't they know that God will always take care of them? Have they completely forgotten what He just did and what He will continue to do? But things have changed. In our world and in my heart.

I don't think it's a coincidence that I'm chronologically reading through the Bible right now and just so happen to be reading through the book of Exodus. I think God planned it this way. Now reading through Exodus my heart feels empathy towards the Israelites. Although I can't relate to the Israelites's fear of where their water and food would come from, here lately my thoughts have been filled with a lot of "what-if" scenarios regarding Covid-19. I have seen more in common with myself and the Israelites over the past month than I have in my entire life. When this unexpected-to-us-circumstance (COVID-19) swept over our world and nation, worry began having a little party inside my heart and mind, leading me to forget, momentarily, about God's promises.

Francis Chan refers to the forgetfulness of God's promises and provisions as spiritual amnesia, an epidemic that none of us are immune to. You may be thinking, "If spiritual amnesia is inevitable than what can I do?" The author of Hebrews continually reminded them, "We must pay the most careful attention, therefore, to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away (Hebrews 2:1). And again in Hebrews 3:6 and 3:14 he encourages them to "hold onto their original confidence." Why would the author continually remind the Israelites to hold onto what they already know to be true? He knew they needed to be continually reminded to 1) remember who God is 2) remember what God has said 3) remember what God has done. The author of Hebrews knew the antidote for spiritual amnesia: remembering.

1. Remembering who God is. My almost 4year old daughter reminded me the importance of this a few nights ago. We were sitting on her bed getting ready to pray and she said, "Dear God, please make my boo-boo on my little finger all better. Okay I know you did. Thank you. Amen." What does this tell us about how she views the character God? She is praying to Him because she knows He will listen. He is a good listener. She is asking him to do something she knows He can do. He will make her boo-boo better. He is healer. She is speaking to Him like she is familiar with Him, like this isn't the first time she has come to Him. She knows He is a loving, good Father. I could go on and on about the characteristics of God, but one of my favorites to meditate on throughout the day has been, "God is Most High" (Psalm 83:18). It has provided comfort to my soul to remember that God is the supreme ruler over all things and nothing, not even Covid-19 can knock Him of His throne. He is greater.

2. Remembering what God has said. As a Christian, spending time with God in His word and through prayer are vital to your spiritual health. But, how can you remember what you do not know? In light of everything going on with Covid-19 it has been a struggle for me to prioritize my schedule in such a way that allows for time in the Word and prayer. I'm more exhausted physically, emotionally and spiritually. It has been a daily fight. But I will continue fighting to open my Bible even when I don't "feel like it" because I know my soul needs to be fed with God's truth. If you are feeling anything like me during this time let one of your main prayers be that God would create in you a heart that longs to continue drinking up His Word even when (and especially when) you don't feel like it. Why? Because we are no different than the Israelites. We are prone to forget and we need His daily reminders pointing to His truth and promises.

Rich promises like:

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."
-Isaiah 43:2

"And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:19"

”Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High  will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, ‘He is my refuge and my fortress,my God, in whom I trust.’Surely he will save you from the fowler’s snare and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge;his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." Psalm 91:4

3. Remembering what God has done.  In Joshua 3 we see how God, once again, parted the waters which provided access for the Israelites to walk through the Jordan River onto dry land. They placed 12 stones from the riverbed and stacked them on the other side (Joshua 4), which served as a reminder to them and others of God's faithfulness and provision. I believe God places "Stones of Remembrance" in our life because He knows we are prone to forget. Remembering what God has done in our past, give us hope and confidence to trust Him with our future. Can you think of any "stones of remembrance" in your life or perhaps a time you remember where God was with you in a very tangible way?

-Remember how God sustained you through a very difficult time.
-Remember how God healed you or a loved one from physical illness.
-Remember how God saved you from your sin and brought you into new life.
-Remember how God provided for you in a very specific way.
-Remember how God comforted you through a time of loss.

Our children cry in the middle of the night because they know mommy and daddy are coming to check on them. My son runs towards me with arms wide open from across the room because he is confident that I won't let him fall. How can they be so sure that we will follow through? Our children know us and their confidence in our response comes through remembering.

Although there has been a great deal of uncertainty surrounding Covid-19 one thing we know for sure is this: we know the One who knows all things. When I get overwhelmed with the fear of what lies in front of me I like to think of God, as my loving Father, holding me on his shoulders, high above the crashing waves. In this time of unknown my prayer for you is that you would remember to remember.  Remember who God is. Remember what God has said. Remember what God has done. As stories of God's faithfulness come to mind, I hope it will provide you with the hope, strength and confidence you need to trust Him through the unknown and uncertainty in front of us.

REPOST: Overcoming Fear In The New Year

March 20, 2020 by Kelly Todd in Faith

I wrote this post in January of last year. With everything going on it seemed applicable. It was helpful for me to be reminded of these truths amid the fear and uncertainty. I pray it will be an encouragement to you today and in the days to come. I take heart in the fact that our God is who He says He is and nothing…not even Covid-19 can knock Him off His throne.

January 5, 2019

Are you crippled by fear? Are you consumed with worry over losing a loved one? Are you or a loved one struggling with an unresolved health issue? Do you fear failure or the thought that you’ll never be “good enough?” Do you carry around the weight that something bad is going to happen to you? Have you been struggling with infertility and wondering if you will ever get pregnant? Are you weary from the adoption process and wonder if you’ll ever be chosen? Do you stay up late at night worried about your child getting sick? Do you fear losing your job or the inability to provide well for your family?

I can relate to some of these fears. At times, I’ve felt consumed by them. When I was in my third year of college I had a mini-stroke. It took weeks before we discovered why the seemingly healthy 22 year old suffered one. There was so much uncertainty surrounding those weeks. Test after test, the results of one test would soon lead to another and dozens of doctors from different specialties came in and out of my hospital room asking the same questions. When your health is starting to look more like an anomaly and an unsolvable puzzle, fear can start to creep in. But, God met me in that cold hospital room. God was there with me when I discovered I would be having open-heart surgery due to the tumor growing on my mitral valve. God was there with me when I was told this would affect my ability to have biological children. God was there with me when thoughts and fears of what the outcome of surgery would entail for my future. And as I was looking out the hospital window the night before surgery, my heavenly Father lovingly guided my heart to a place of peace and trust.

I’ve been brought to my knees many times throughout my life, as I’ve struggled with fear surrounding my circumstances. I wanted to share a little tried and true “road map” for your soul, that’s been extremely helpful to me in fighting and overcoming fear. I pray it brings your weary heart to a place of rest.

Share your fears with God. Acknowledge them and lay them all out before Him. Every thought. Every feeling. Don’t hold back. No feeling is too big for Him to handle. I’ve found it helpful for me to even write them down in my journal or say them out loud in prayer.
Remember who your Father is. Ask God to help you remember who He is. Lately I’ve been reminding myself that God is Most High. He is supreme and above all things-our fears, our health issues, our struggles, the unknown. He is bigger. He is greater.

God is our helper. Psalm 121:1-8
God is our comforter. Psalm 34:18
God is our strength. Psalm 46:1
God is our hope. Psalm 33:20
God is our peace. Philippians 4:7
Meditate on God’s promises.We have access to the very Word of God. The Bible says, “All scriptures are God-breathed” (2 Timothy 3). His Word is full of rich truths and promises for His children. I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes it’s a struggle for me to make time to do this. I get so frustrated with myself because I know The Word is exactly what my soul needs. His Word is life giving. His Word is transformative. His Word is powerful. His Word speaks truth to your fears. In a world that is vying for our attention and our time, in a world that is spitting lies into our face, we need to fight for time in God’s word. It must be a priority. But first we must ask God to do what only He can: create in us a desire to read it. Through the years I’ve realized this is not something I can do a part from God’s grace.
Isaiah 41: 10 “ So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Psalm 91:4 “He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.”

Philippians 4:19 “And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.”

Psalm 23: 4 “Even though I walk through the darkest valley,I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.’’
Reflect on the times you’ve seen God’s faithfulness in your life and in the lives of others. When you are struggling with fear it can be very tempting to go inward and get stuck in your head. Reflecting on God’s faithfulness can remind your heart to hope, as you remember all the ways that God has provided for your family and others.
Ask God what He wants you to learn through this. Fear can be a byproduct of the unknown. But, God wastes nothing. Asking God to help me find His purpose through this “thing” I fear most, the pain, the unknowns and suffering (and not a part from them) has been transformative for my soul.

Cancer multiple times, health issues, open-heart surgery, infertility, miscarriage-I know what it’s like to be overwhelmed with fear and the unknown. I know what it’s like to feel like you are drowning in your circumstances. But, it was through these challenges I became more keenly aware of my need for something bigger than myself. It was through the fire (not a part from it) that I came to know the depths of God’s grace, love and kindness and learned there is no end to it. Joni Erickson Tada said it well, “My weakness, that is, my quadriplegia, is my greatest asset because it forces me into the arms of Christ every single morning when I get up.” Pray that God would help you see His purpose through the unknown, through the struggle, through the pain.

Does fear still creep in? Absolutely. Some days more than others. But the trials I’ve encountered earth side have kept me closer to Jesus, right underneath His wings, which I’m continually reminded is the safest and the best place for me to be. When you know your soul is secure in Jesus Christ, ultimately nothing can overcome you-not even the thing you fear most. You can look that “thing” you fear most straight in the eyes and say with complete confidence, “My God is bigger.”

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 8:38-39

Adoption Story: Ben + Jennifer

March 09, 2020 by Kelly Todd in Adoption Stories

Ben and Jennifer signed on with me at Christian Adoption Consultants in August of 2018. They were very honest and vulnerable about their story and what led them to where they are today. Jennifer opened up about their pregnancy that led to an emergency c-section and a beautiful baby boy. But they also shared with me the difficulty of processing the finality of their infertility due to a hysterectomy. They talked about God’s faithfulness in healing their hearts through the loss and how they were excited about starting the adoption journey! They were matched a few days before Christmas and brought home their beautiful daughter a few months later. Jen was just sharing with me how special it is to be on the other side of this journey and how helpful it was to read adoption stories when they were in the wait. It’s my prayer that her words would be an encouragement to you wherever you are in the process!

Our adoption journey began early in our marriage, when Ben and I talked about what it would be like to grow our family through adoption. At this time it was just an idea we wondered about. But life early in marriage was busy, I was starting residency in emergency medicine, and Ben was starting graduate school. It was only a few months into my first job that I became pregnant with our son, Isaiah. I had a healthy pregnancy without any issues. However, when I went into labor, things started to shift. Ultimately after a long labor, I would require an emergency c-section. It wasn’t until I was in recovery the medical team discovered I was bleeding excessively, eventually leading to severe shock and a critical condition. I was rushed back to surgery for an emergent hysterectomy, the last resort to stop the bleeding. Days later, I remained in critical condition. Thankfully with family gathered and praying over me, and a wonderful medical team, I recovered and awoke to embrace my husband and new precious baby boy.

The months, and even years, after were filled with the joy of raising Isaiah, but also with deep raw emotion, grief, and questions about the finality of my infertility. It was in this difficult season that we grew. The best decision I ever made was to make my first appointment with a counselor. Which, as many can probably understand, is not an easy step. Especially as a healthcare provider, where people look to you for help-now I needed the help. I think it was no accident that the counselor I connected with was a wonderful, wise woman of faith, who had experience helping others in grief and loss, but even more importantly, the complex questions that come up along the way. As I think back on this season, I often think of the phrase ‘necessary suffering’, which is described by well known faith leaders. This was a season I needed to walk, no trudge, through. It was so uncomfortable. I wanted to get it over with. But I had to learn to sit in the grief. And I found in that sitting, you grow. And in that sitting, you see Jesus there next to you, over and over again. Through this season, I would start to gain eyes to see things I could not have seen otherwise. It was sad, beautiful and somehow life giving all at the same time.

Ben and I decided we were going to move forward with our dream of adoption. One challenge for us was that Ben was still finishing school and we were far from family. We would also need to move at least once more for him to finish an internship before he graduated. Starting the adoption process had to wait a bit. And I am not good at waiting. This, again, was another necessary season for us. We took over three years to learn as much as we could about adoption. I did this through podcasts, books, blogs, interviews-everything I could find. This, I now see, was more about preparing my heart, and learning to listen. I learned that the most valuable resource were the stories. I listened to so many stories from birth mothers, and gained so much compassion and respect for these brave women. I listened to stories from adoptees, and understood how critical their voice is in this conversation. It set the stage for how we would approach our own adoption journey, from the beginning, but also for the rest of our lives.

After moving back close to our families and getting settled into our jobs and community, we were finally ready to begin the process. By the time this started, we felt ready-not just with the logistics, but with our hearts. The process itself was quick compared to the years before. We signed on with adoption consultant, Kelly Todd through Christian Adoption Consultants in the summer of 2018 and completed our home study shortly after that. We started receiving situations from Kelly at CAC in October. In December we presented to an expectant mother who was expecting a baby girl. Just days before Christmas our wonderful adoption consultant called with the exciting news-she had chosen our family!

We spent the next few months not only preparing for a new baby girl to come home, but also to get to know the expecting mama. We had the amazing opportunity to not only speak with her over the phone, but meet her face to face before baby girl was born. I then flew out about a week before the baby arrived, to spend additional time with her birth mama. This is time I will never forget, and will always look back on fondly. We spent days just finding things to do together-going to movies, getting our nails done, getting lunch and just chatting. So many important things came up throughout these days together and we formed the foundation of a strong bond between us.

Soon, Ben and Isaiah along with my mom arrived, all waiting for baby to come. When we got to the hospital she had already been in labor for some time. It was only shortly after we got to the hospital that this perfect little miracle, Aaliyah Jewel, was born. I had the honor of staying by her side every step of the way.

This little tiny baby is about to turn a year old next month! She is an absolute joy. Sweet, funny, active, musical, and absolutely beautiful. She has herself wrapped around big brother and daddy’s finger. But is still a mama’s girl in the end. She certainly has captivated the hearts of everyone in our family. And we continue to keep in close contact with her beautiful birth mama.

Our journey is just beginning. There will be more bumps in the road and challenging seasons ahead. But there will be so much joy. Adoption is both a story of loss and grief, but also redemption and faithfulness, and certainly an up close view of God’s intricate work. We hope this story touches you in some way, as you move through your journey.

***If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide at Christian Adoption Consultants, I would love to chat! Feel free to email me, Kelly Todd, at kelly@christianadoptionconsultants.com and check out Christian Adoption Consultants for more information!***

A Letter To The Weary, Hopeful Adoptive Parents

March 02, 2020 by Kelly Todd in Waiting In Adoption

To the weary, hopeful adoptive parents who have heard too many no’s to count, I see you. I want you to know that your journey does not go unnoticed by me. I know the adoption journey is filled with ups and downs, twists and turns, delays and disappointments, but first and foremost I just want you to know that I see you. I understand that this hasn't been an easy process for you.

As an adoption consultant with CAC, it breaks my heart to have to send another "I'm so sorry you weren't chosen" email. I carry so much heaviness on my heart typing each word. Right before I push send I hold my breath and say a prayer, "Lord, please comfort them and be with them when they receive this." It's never easy to deliver that kind of news.

I understand that all of the no’s can seem so final and definite and they can can make you doubt or even second guess your decision to pursue adoption. I realize the no’s can make you feel like something is wrong with you and your family. For those of you who have struggled with infertility, I get that the no’s can feel like more rejection and may serve as a painful reminder of all of those negative pregnancy tests.

Perhaps you are already at the point where you feel like you are drowning in a sea of no’s and endless disappointments. You may begin to think that somehow because things aren’t unfolding as you expected they would that you somehow entered into this journey by mistake. Friends, even though I'm hurting for you, I also need you to know that I am hoping and praying for you. I know the heartache and disappointment that comes with each no. However, I also know that you can’t miss out on God’s plan for your family. That’s worth repeating. You can’t miss out or mess up God’s plan for your family. I place my hope and confidence in the fact that our God is a good Father who loves His children. And so if you are still waiting on God’s “yes” than let your heart rest in knowing that this is a part of His plan. “…But I am sure that God keeps no one waiting unless He sees that it is good for him to wait” (C.S. Lewis).

God wastes nothing. Even when it seems like nothing is happening, God is working. He works in the waiting, even when we can’t see it. When you are holding your baby in your arms, all of those no’s will make more sense. And thats not just something I say to make you feel better. It’s something I truly believe. It’s something I have seen to be true for my CAC families time and time again. It’s something most of my families tell me when they get to the end of their adoption journey, “We get it now, Kelly. We get it.” If you are on this journey, but are weary from the process, don’t lose hope. Perhaps instead of hearing each "no” as a resounding “never” you can start receiving them as a “not yet.” Don’t let all of the no’s deter you from something God has laid on your heart. “Don’t dig up in doubt what you planted in faith” (Elizabeth Elliot).

Joy In Our Hearts

January 28, 2020 by Kelly Todd in Faith, Motherhood

I keep on thinking the kids will get tired of going to the monastery, but they never do. They always find “something more” that intrigues them. They experience pure joy from running down the hill and greeting the geese at the bottom of the lake. They squeal when they see the water fountain from across the field and start running towards it screaming, “waterfall!!!” ⁣⁣
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Each time they go I think they enjoy it a little more. Each time we go they help us discover something new that maybe our eyes missed the time before. Yesterday we noticed the sky blue stained glass windows in the church. This time we found a courtyard with a “secret garden.” ⁣⁣
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As we were walking outside the kids were skipping in front of me, giggling as they experienced the joy of discovering “something more” at the monastery. To my surprise they were not bored. They were not unimpressed. They were giddy and curious, completely amused by their surroundings. ⁣⁣
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Much like God does, He is always teaching me spiritual lessons through my little ones. On the drive home a quote from Sam Storms came to mind. “Worship without wonder is lifeless and boring. Many have lost their sense of awe and amazement when it comes to God. Having begun with the arrogant presumption of knowing about God all that one can, they reduce Him to manageable terms and confine Him to a tidy theological box, the dimensions of which conform to their predilections of what a god ought to be and do."⁣⁣
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God isn’t boring. God isn’t dull. But I think the way some of us live others assume Christianity is stale and old. I have been praying that God would restore to me the childlike wonder and curiosity in knowing Him and being known by Him. The same One who put the stars in the sky and nourishes the earth with rain, desires a relationship with you and me. The same⁣⁣ One who created the very fiber of our DNA and fashioned cells together to form human beings, desires a relationship with you and me. There is nothing dull about that. Let’s ask God to light that fire in our hearts, and help us be excited and joyful Christians who spread the love and light of Jesus everywhere we go.

10 Years After Open-Heart Surgery

January 23, 2020 by Kelly Todd in Faith, Infertility

Yesterday, I logged into an old blog of mine from 2010. I had begun writing it as a means to keep my family and friends updated on my health. In February of that year I had a mini-stroke that lead to a dozen specialists conducting dozens of tests on a seemingly healthy 22 year old girl. After a week of tests and rarely being allowed to leave my hospital bed, the puzzle was finally solved. A tumor was sitting on my mitral valve and a tiny piece of the tumor had broken off and made it's way up to my brain, causing a mini-stroke.

Last night I stayed up pretty late reading all the posts I wrote before and after my surgery. And I was amazed. I was amazed to read about the work God was doing in my heart as I was walking through so many unknowns. I was amazed to read about all the prayer warriors that were interceding for healing on my behalf. I was amazed at the kindness and tender care provided from the hospital staff, friends, family and even strangers. As I was reading through each post I had flashbacks of that 22 year old sitting on those itchy, bleach white hospital sheets waiting to learn what her future would hold.

Doctors and nurses were in and out of my room the entire week. They were drawing blood, taking me for another MRI and other various tests. There was discussion about what type of valve replacement I would require. There were explanations for how the medication I may need would affect my fertility. There were even talks of how, if I choose a certain valve, I would require another open heart surgery in 8-10 years. The surgery itself, and what doctors would find, was not altogether known. They explained that during open heart surgery they would stop my heart and that I would be kept alive through a bypass machine.

It would have been completely understandable if I was paralyzed with fear. But I wasn't. Yes, I was scared at times, but I wasn't consumed by it. And last night as I was reading through every word of every post, one thing was very evident: Christ was sustaining me. I wasn't an insanely strong human being and I didn’t just pull myself up by my boot straps and keep chugging along. But I had an entire army of brothers and sisters pleading with Lord on my behalf. They were praying for my physical healing. They were also praying that He would be my peace, hope and source of strength and that in all things God would be glorified. It was His grace overflowing into every corner of my heart that enabled me to trust Him. His loving and gracious hand was holding me above the raging waters. It wasn't that I was oblivious to my surroundings; I just had this peace-filled confidence. I knew that regardless of what was on the other side of this surgery, I was safe and secure in the shadow of His wings.

I had this overwhelming sense that someone else needed this reminder today. I know I did. Whatever you are going through right now - relationship challenges, parenting issues, financial hardships, health issues, grieving a loss, dealing with uncertainty and doubt - God will sustain you. That’s worth repeating. God sustains those who trust in Him. Dear friend, you also weren’t created to walk this road alone. Reach out to a friend and ask for them to pray with you. Prayer changes things. I’m a walking example.

With Love,
Kelly

Generalizing Perspectives In Adoption

January 17, 2020 by Kelly Todd in Adoption Education

There are countless perspectives about adoption. This makes a lot of sense to me, as there are three parties to consider-the adoptee, the birth mother/family, and the adoptive parents. I have noticed an unhealthy trend in the adoption community. The best phrase I can use to describe it is this: "generalizing perspectives in adoption." Often times we hear of an adoptee, birth mother or adoptive family's experience in adoption and we mistakenly conclude that must be true for every situation. However, that belief is false. We must be careful not to make blanket assumptions about any part of the triad because in doing so we are unknowingly contributing to stereotypes/generalizations.

For example, let's say you meet a couple who has chosen adoption as a means to grow their family because they have struggled with infertility. Then, you go on to assume that all couples or most who pursue adoption have struggled with infertility as well. Now while many couples who struggle with infertility do walk down this path, I work with a lot of families, both small and large, who are not infertile, but have chosen the path of adoption.

The same is true of adoptee and birth mother perspectives. If you hear an adoptee speak about their story and how they feel about their adoption, you can't conclude that all adoptees feels the same way about adoption that this person does. This just isn't true. I have many friends who were adopted and I can tell you that each of their experiences and opinions are different and no story is like the next. Similarly, no two birth mother/parents opinions and experiences are exactly the same. Just because you read about one birth mother's perspectives on adoption, does not mean that every birth mother views adoption the way that she does.

As an adoption consultant I get asked a ton of questions about adoption on a daily basis. Of course it's my job and I love answering questions, but sometimes I can pick up on these stereotypes just by the type of questions someone will ask. "So most birth mothers are teenagers, right?" False. Only about 25% of birth mothers/parents are teenagers. I get asked similar questions like this about the "type" of birth mothers our families place with and the truth is they are all different with varying backgrounds, preferences, ethnicities, stories, hobbies, hopes and dreams. There isn't one "type" of birth mother.

Perhaps you read an adoption story about a family whose journey to their child wasn't easy. They waited two years and went through 2 failed adoptions before they brought their child home. You don't want to go through what this family went through! While no adoption is risk-free or easy, you can't assume that your story will look like anyone else's. Every adoption is unique and different. How do I know that? Because every potential adoptive parent, expectant/birth parent and adoptee are unique and different.

It's important that we listen and respect the voices of all parties of the adoption triad and their differing experiences and perspectives. But let's be careful not to assume that everyone holds the same opinions and experiences that one person does. God crafted each and every person so uniquely and special. And we are all fearfully and wonderfully made by God and each have our own experiences and opinions that we bring to the table. Let's give space to learn from a variety of perspectives.

I Want More of You God

December 06, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Faith, Motherhood

Roman and Ruby have entered another level of what I like to call, "Mommy, I want to be near you every second of every single day." From am to pm, I think they would love if they could live their toddler lives glued (literally) to my hip. When they get up in the morning Ruby says, "Mommy, can I hold you?" and Roman asks, "Mommy, can you snuggle for me?" When I leave the room for one second and come back, Roman jumps into my lap and says, "Oh mommy, I missed you so much!"

One of my prayers to God everyday for the past few months has been, "I want more of you God." I have spent so much time on my hands and knees praying that God would grow my heart closer to His. I find it interesting in this season where I have been asking this from God, that He has granted me little reminders right in front of me of the type of desire I have been pleading for God to grow in my heart towards Him. I know I'm not God, so I am not equoting my relationship with my children to mine with my heavenly Father, but it has definitely served as a reminder to me.

They just want to be near their mommy. They just want to sit in my lap. They just want me to sing them another song. They just want to hear me say, "I love you." They just want to spend time with me. They just want more of me.

Sometimes, for many of us, we think of God as being disconnected from His children emotionally. But that is a lie. After all, God created all of our emotions and He isn't immune to having them. He is very much in tune with His affections towards His children and let me tell you His love is BIG for us.

In our pursuit of knowledge about God we can be tempted to forget the original purpose in the pursuit. "If our learning and knowledge of God doesn't lead to the joyful praise of God, we have failed" (Sam Storms). In other words if our theology of God doesn't create in us a heart that wants to spend more time with Jesus and sit in His presence, if it doesn't set a fire in our hearts to joyfully pursue more of God, than that "gaining of knowledge" is in vain and self-serving. Thank goodness for His grace upon grace because I'm guilty of doing this. And yet even still, I'm thankful for God's faithfulness to me and giving me these sweet, snuggly little reminders that just want to sit in mommy's lap. Oh Father, that I could have those childlike affections towards you.

Adoption Story: Ryan + Katie

December 04, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Adoption Stories

I spoke to Katie and Ryan for the very first time at the end of November in 2017. They were very warm, friendly and extremely excited about starting the adoption process! They signed on with me at CAC just a few days after our initial call! As Katie will share with you tonight, the journey to their daughter, Nicklyn, wasn’t easy. In addition to the ups and downs that come with the adoption process, they also moved across the country about 7 months after beginning their journey. There were times when they wondered if they were on the right path and if this journey is what the Lord intended for them. But they continued praying, trusting God, and moving forward one step at a time. I’m honored to share their story with you and I’m confident it will be an encouragement to your family!

Every adoption story is unique and different. Some families are matched with an expectant mother very quickly, and for others it takes longer. Initially, we had no idea where to start the adoption process. But in November of 2017 we connected with Christian Adoption Consultants. We knew CAC was for us after one phone call with Adoption Consultant Kelly Todd. We signed on immediately and with her assistance the entire adoption process seemed less intimidating. I can't tell you how much of a relief it was to have someone there with us helping us out and answering all of our crazy questions!

After we signed on with CAC, Kelly provided us with home study recommendations. Our home study was completed in just a few short months and we began seeing situations immediately. We knew adoption was going to have its ups and downs, but we never imagined the emotional roller coaster it can put you on. Investing your heart into each situation that comes through, thinking about whether or not to present, choosing to present and then hearing "no" after "no" is not a journey for the faint of heart. We heard plenty of “no’s” in our adoption journey. It wasn't easy being told no. Sometimes you begin to think something is wrong with your family, "Why aren't we being chosen? What's wrong with us?"

In the very middle of our journey we also moved across the country. It was a very stressful time, but thankfully we were able to find another home study provider who was willing to work with us. We were able to update our home study pretty quickly without having to start completely over, which was a huge blessing!

In the Spring of 2019 we finally received a big "yes!" Kelly helped us navigate communicating with the expectant mother, how to prepare for travel, and what to expect at the hospital, which was extremely helpful to us! Although we were so excited about the possibility of becoming this baby's parents, the adoption ended up falling through after the baby was born. Kelly was right there for us, checking in by calling, texting, and praying for us every step of the way. To be honest, we were uncertain if we wanted to get back into the adoption process at that time. We were exhausted and just worn out from the process, but through prayers and talking with each other, we decided to continue with the adoption process. We put our trust in God and His plans for our family. Although we didn't know what to expect moving forward, He knew what our path was better than we did.

Later that summer we were matched with a baby girl that was to be born in just a few short months. Our daughter, Nicklyn was born on September 20. The Lord answered our prayers! We had the privilege of getting to meet our daughter's birth parents. It was her birthmother’s plan to place Nicklyn in our arms. This was an amazing moment that we will cherish forever. We are so grateful to have been able to meet her birth parents and have the ability to share photos and letters with them as Nicklyn grows.

We know from personal experience that this process isn’t easy, but don’t give up! Keep praying and trusting God! His plans are always betters than ours.

Why CAC?

December 03, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Adoption Education

When my husband and I were in the initial stages of researching adoption we quickly learned that we had no idea where to begin. After one call with a home study provider, I soon realized how very little we knew about the process. Even though adoption had been something my husband and I had been praying about for many years, we didn't know a ton about it from a logistical standpoint. I remember googling "adoption agencies" one night and hundreds and hundreds of agencies popped up on my computer screen. It was overwhelming to say the least.

One day a friend reached out to me and told me about her amazing experience with Christian Adoption Consultants. "What is an adoption consultant?" I remember asking. She encouraged me to give them a call and so I did. I was connected to someone who would soon become not only our consultant, but a dear friend. And even though I didn't know it at the time, she would later become a co-worker!

One of the very first things that attracted my husband and I to Christian Adoption Consultants was their extensive professional adoption experience. Christian Adoption Consultants is one of the largest, oldest, and most experienced adoption consulting firms in the world! We have been around since 2006 and since that time have assisted families with over 3,500 successful adoptions. Our team consists of adoption professionals that hold degrees ranging from masters to bachelors in the counseling, social work, child welfare and human services fields. Because we work as a team at CAC, you not only receive guidance from your adoption consultant, but you also have access to the resources and experience from our entire staff! Between all team members we have 120 years combined professional adoption experience.

Another thing that stood out to us is the fact that most of the team had walked through the adoption process before. Between all team members we have adopted 45 kids through domestic, international, foster care and special needs programs. It was so helpful for our family to work with an organization who not only had extensive professional adoption experience, but could also relate to us as adoptive parents.

We never felt like "just another number" while working with Christian Adoption Consultants. Our consultant became a friend and our greatest prayer warrior throughout our entire journey, and even still today! All of my CAC families have my personal cell number and email address. They know they can ask me anything and that I’m here to support them every step of the way. Walking through the adoption process is filled with ups and downs, twists and turns, delays, disappointment, excitement, joy, sadness, etc. It is such an honor to guide families through their adoption journey and it's a privilege I do not take for granted.

There is so much more to the adoption process than just the act of adopting. There is a lot to be learned along the way. At CAC we are committed to providing adoption education and resources for our families. From understanding open adoption, positive adoption language, risks in adoption, communicating with expectant/birth mamas/families, protecting your child's story, educating other family members-we are supporting, encouraging and guiding you from beginning to the end!

Another benefit of working with Christian Adoption Consultants is our multi-agency approach. When you sign on with CAC you have access to our recommended agency list, which includes ethical adoption agencies and attorneys that have been vetted by us personally. This was very important to my husband and I because we wanted to work with agencies and attorneys that provided great care for all parties of the triad.

I tell everyone that working with CAC was by far the easiest and best decision we made in our adoption journey. I know from personal experience that the adoption process can seem intimidating, but that’s where Christian Adoption Consultants comes in! If you are interested in learning more about adoption and the services we provide, I would love to chat and provide you with a FREE inquiry packet! You can email me at kelly@christianadoptionconsultants.com or check out Christian Adoption Consultants for more information!

Adoption Story: Kris + Renee

November 28, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Adoption Stories

It is an honor to share Kris and Renee’s adoption story with you. Kris and Renee adopted their son, Ethan, in 2013 with the help of CAC. I was elated to hear they were wanting to pursue a 2nd adoption with our assistance. The journey to their daughter, Rayna, was not easy, but they never gave up. I will never forget when they asked me if I wanted to stay on the phone while they told their children they were matched. It was such a special moment and I was grateful to be a part of that sweet conversation. Kris and Renee, thank you for sharing your story with such honesty and transparency. I am so very grateful the Lord allowed our paths to cross. I know their story will be an encouragement to you wherever you are in your journey. It’s my prayer that their story will be a reminder to hope even when your situation may seem hopeless.

We are Kris and Renee this is our second adoption story through Christian Adoption Consultants (CAC). The story of bringing Rayna, our daughter, home began one day as Renee was sitting in an empty bedroom. While we had discussed another adoption, at that point we hadn't taken any steps to pursue anything. We had prayed and felt as though it was in God’s plan, but was not sure how it would happen. There was no way we could pay for another adoption. We were getting older, each of us turning 40 this year. The chances of adopting again seemed to be dwindling, but we both felt in our hearts that something was missing.

One day Renee was in the empty bedroom. We had many discussions about what to do with this room, make it a craft room, a toy room, guest room, or an office. Sitting in the room, I (Renee) began smiling. As I sat there I imagined a nursery, where I’d put a crib, what color the walls would be. At that moment, I had to figure out how to discuss this with Kris. Well he caught me. He walked in and asked what I was doing. I immediately started to laugh and then cry, followed by more laughter. Kris stood in the doorway perplexed about the outflow of emotions, but I couldn’t find the words. Finally, I was able to get out that I thought the room needed to be a nursery. Kris stood there, not speaking for quite some time, then began to laugh himself. He said something along the lines of “hmmmmm”. This is where the conversation was left. We began our second adoption in May 2018, we made the decision that would forever change our lives and fill the room with joy and laughter.

Our first adoption to our son, Ethan, happened very quickly. We were aware that every adoption story was different, but it’s difficult to see when you’re in the process. With our second adoption, and after many months of hearing multiple “no’s”, the pain hit us both. The reality of how difficult the adoption process truly can be came to a head. We presented our profile over and over again. All the "no's" became a true test to our faith and emotions.

I can’t tell you how many conversations we had with Kelly Todd, our adoption consultant with CAC, asking her “What’s wrong with us? What could we do differently? What can we change?” She would always reassure us and remind us to trust in God’s plan and His timing. But after a while this is difficult to hear. Kris and I questioned our decision to pursue this adoption. We questioned things, such as “Are we to old? Do we have too many other children?" I remember asking Kelly during one of our many conversations, "How do we know when enough is enough? How do we know that we have followed the right path?" As I sobbed on the phone, she again said “Renee, you have to trust that God has a plan for you.”

At this point I was questioning every aspect of our current situation. But then we got a call that would change our lives forever. Kris was on his way out the door, but something made him wait. When we answered the phone, we were told that an expectant mother wanted us to be the parents of her baby girl that would be due in 1 week. On July 8th we welcomed our Daughter Rayna into the world. She was born with a full head of thick black hair and was absolutely perfect! It was an honor for me (Renee) to be present with her birth mother for Rayna’s delivery and to have the privilege of cutting her umbilical cord.

Although our journey wasn't easy, every "no" led us to our daughter, Rayna. We are so grateful for the story God has written for our family.

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Adoption Story: Jon + Amy

November 13, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Adoption Stories

I had the honor of walking with Jon and Amy through the adoption process from beginning to end! I remember the very first time I spoke with Amy on the phone! She was so kind and easy to talk to. I was amazed by her vulnerability and openness in sharing about the journey that led them to adoption. Jon and Amy, I’m amazed by your strength, faith and trust in God throughout this entire process. It was very evident that your hope was in the One who was writing your story and not your circumstances. I pray Amy’s words would be a source of encouragement and joy to you wherever you are on your journey.

Jon and I have two biological sons. We always knew our hearts had more love to share with another child. After experiencing serious medical complications with our second son at birth, we didn’t know if we would ever have more children. We put it in God’s hand and after many years of trying to grow our family, he opened the door to adoption for us….and we followed Him through it.

In January 2018, a friend of ours who had recently adopted, recommended that we call Christian Adoption Consultants for a consultation call. We were in the very early stages of considering adoption when I called and spoke to Kelly Todd. There was an instant connection, like I was talking to someone I had known forever! She answered all of our questions and put our concerns at ease. Our initial plan was to call a few places and do our research before signing on with one place. CAC was our first phone call and our last!! We felt so good after that initial call with Kelly Todd and we signed on a few days later!!

Kelly was so incredibly helpful right from the start. She made us the most beautiful profile book and helped us find a home study agency which we adored! I was constantly texting her or emailing her questions and thoughts as they came up and she was always so quick to answer!

We were home study ready in April 2018 and immediately started seeing situations. Over the next few months, we presented to a few situations however kept hearing that expectant mama had chosen another family. I will admit, we weren’t prepared for how difficult that part was going to be with each time feeling like a loss of someone we already cared for. Kelly was always there to encourage us, pray for us and push us to trust in God’s timing. Our faith was definitely strengthened during this waiting period and I am thankful for the gentle nudging that she continued to give us.

In September of 2018, we received a situation about a baby that had already been born. We chose to present! As we were writing a letter to her birth mother, I felt so connected to her. It felt different than the previous times and I just knew in my heart and soul that this was it! Two days after presenting, we got the call that we had been chosen!! 24 hours later, we hopped on a plane to go meet this sweet little girl!

Ours boys came with us which was incredibly special! We communicated very openly with them about the adoption journey from the beginning and having them by our sides on our way to go meet our daughter and their sister was something we will never forget and always be grateful for.

On September 15th, the sweetest little girl was placed in our arms. I will never forget the joy and emotion that was felt in that very moment. We had prayed for this child for so long and our hearts were literally bursting with joy.

We were initially told that her birth mama wanted a closed adoption which we felt sad about however little did we know that more prayers would be answered. We were told by the agency, that her birth mama really wanted to meet us after all! The following day, we had the great privilege to meet her for lunch and get to know her more. It was one of the most beautiful and unforgettable moments we have ever experienced and we feel so blessed to have had this opportunity.

This journey was not an easy one but our family learned so much about life and love. It has changed us in ways we never could have imagined. We will forever be grateful to Abigail’s birth mother for giving us the honor and privilege to parent this sweet girl and to God for His faithfulness throughout all of this.

Ready to Learn More?
I’d love to hear your story and help you explore how Christian Adoption Consultants can simplify the adoption process for your family. Send me an email at kelly@christianadoptionconsultants.com, and we can set up a time to connect. Whether you’re just starting to consider adoption or you’re ready to take the next step, I’m here to guide and encourage you every step of the way!

Adoption Story: John + Lindsay

October 02, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Adoption Stories

It was such an honor to walk John and Lindsay through the adoption process. I was in tears reading through their adoption story. Lindsay was so honest, raw and vulnerable in sharing their journey and I know you will be encouraged as I have been by their faith and trust in God. They were chosen by their son’s birth mother a month after being home study ready, and their baby boy was born 8 weeks early, just a few weeks after being matched. As you will read below, their story is filled with joy, heartache, ups and downs, twists and turns, but every moment of waiting led them to their miracle baby boy, Elijah.

Our adoption story started out with a lot of heartache, frustration, and disappointment. We had been married for about a year when we started to try to have children biologically. After about two years of month after month of continually receiving negative results, we decided it was time to have some testing done. The doctors could not find anything wrong with either one of us, which was in a way even more disappointing. We were hoping they would find something they could fix easily. But, unexplained infertility? What does that even mean? We completed several rounds of artificial insemination, and again we were unsuccessful.

At this point, our marriage was not doing so well, as this was really getting to both of us. We did not handle it together like we should have and we had stopped going to church at some point along our infertility journey. But someone must have been praying for us. Because just when we needed it more than ever, God sent us a new pastor and he and his wife were young with three young children. Of course when we heard it, we thought, "just what we need is to be around a happy young family." Needless to say, we did not get back to church until about six months after they had arrived. We hit it off fairly quickly with him and his wife, and we believe that if it had not been for them, our marriage was headed down a rocky road. We quickly became very close with them and their three beautiful children. Looking back on it now, we know that God brought us together to show us how much we could love children that were not biologically ours.

During the couple years of spending time with our pastor and his family, we also had decided stop worrying about getting pregnant. Of course, that was easier said than done, as it was always in the back of our minds. At some point during this time we were both saved by the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ. It completely changed us both. It still took awhile for God to convince us that adoption was the route for us, mainly due to my (Lindsay) stubborn nature. We had touched base with Kelly Todd at Christian Adoption Consultants in February of 2018, but decided it was not time yet. Again, my stubbornness. It took a lot more heartache and some bouts with depression before God finally picked me back up and helped us to make the first step.

In January of 2019 we officially signed on with CAC. At this point, it was exciting but scary. All we could do was be obedient to God by doing things one step at a time because the big picture was incredibly overwhelming. Kelly was a gift from God! Her strength and incredible faith kept us going and helped us to persevere when there were many times that we wanted to give up.

By May of 2019, we were home study ready! Kelly was getting ready to begin our profile to show to expectant mothers, when we happened upon a local woman who was looking for a family for her baby. The way it happened, through a friend of a friend, we knew it had to be God’s doing. The next six weeks were a whirlwind, and we still faced more heartache. We would lose touch with birth mom and think she had changed her mind. We thought she lost the baby at one point as well and we had to grieve the loss for about 24 hours. Then in the middle of June we got the call that birth mom had delivered eight weeks early. We were so excited and nervous. We showed up at the hospital about five hours after our beautiful little miracle was born. We have been with him ever since. After five long weeks of time in the NICU, we brought him home on July 18, 2019!

Throughout all of it God was so faithful. Looking back, He was holding our hands the entire time and He had it all planned out. From a nurse who prayed with us when we needed it the most to another nurse who gave us a gas card because she had heard our story and wanted to perform a random act of kindness. And then there was Kelly and her wonderfully strong faith and encouraging words through it all. She was always there when we needed it most and we believe that God spoke to us so many times through her.

As we reflect back, we know that all of it was part of God’s plan to bring us to our son. From the heartache and marriage problems, to the being saved and coming to know Jesus, it was a crazy ride, but we are stronger now because of it. Our marriage is stronger and our faith is stronger. We know that God is in control and He is faithful. All we have to do is let go of our plans, to not be afraid to step out of our comfort zones, and to be obedient to His plan for our lives. All it takes is one small “Yes!” to God.

Adoption Story: Jim + Julie

September 17, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Adoption Stories

It was such a pleasure getting to know Jim and Julie throughout their journey through adoption. I’m so blessed to work with such amazing families and this sweet couple was no exception! I remember the first time I spoke with them. Prior to signing on with Christian Adoption Consultants they had been working with other agencies for about 5 years and during that time had experienced a great deal of loss and heartache. But their strength in the Lord and perseverance throughout was so very evident. They were chosen about 10 months after signing on with CAC to be the parents of their sweet baby girl. I’m honored and grateful to have Julie on the blog tonight sharing the story that led them to their daughter.

After twelve years of marriage, my husband Jim and I decided to begin our family. We didn’t really consider that it wouldn’t happen easily and quickly, and we spent about the next three years doing multiple rounds of infertility treatments. We had a glimmer of hope with one pregnancy, but heartbreak soon followed with a devastating miscarriage. It took some time, but one more round of IVF later, we realized that we just wanted a family, however that came about. Though our hearts were still healing from our miscarriage and the inability to become pregnant, we simultaneously became increasingly excited and encouraged about the prospect of adoption.

Again, we were not prepared for how long our adoption journey would take. We signed up with a local facilitator, which resulted in several broken matches. We then signed up with an adoption attorney, and this also resulted in two broken matches. After about four years, we decided to investigate other avenues. A California agency recommended we look into Christian Adoption Consultants (CAC), as we already had a home study. We called, and CAC sounded encouraging, but we decided to stick it out with our facilitator a little longer. Looking back, we believe our depression over years of failed attempts to have children made signing up with a new adoption provider seem overwhelming and daunting, like starting from scratch. We felt discouraged and weren’t sure that God even wanted us to have kids, but we both felt the Holy Spirit encouraging us to not give up yet. And thankfully, God placed people in our lives to encourage us to keep going.

Within a year, we called CAC again and spoke to Kelly Todd, who would become our adoption consultant. She listened to our story, and dispelled some of our fears, such as us being too old to be picked by an expectant mom. We were encouraged and excited after speaking to her, and finally signed up with CAC. One of the most helpful things for us was Kelly’s detailed feedback on our already existing profile book. After years of working on and updating it ourselves, it was incredible to have her expertise help us fine tune it, so it showed the best and most complete picture of what we had to offer a child. She also proofread the letters we wrote to expectant moms we were hoping to be matched with – also invaluable. It was just great to have someone walking through each of these steps with us, answering our questions, checking in on us, and praying for us.

Less than a year after having signed up with CAC, we received a call that we had been chosen by an expectant mom that we had written to! We were shocked and overjoyed. Could this really finally be happening? We cautiously began making preparations, as our baby’s birth mom was due to give birth in a month. We texted and Skyped with her and felt compassion for her and her circumstances. While I always knew I’d be grateful to the woman who blessed us with a baby, I was concerned that I might also feel insecure, or even jealous. But I believe the Lord worked on my heart and I very quickly felt protective of her and wanted to assure her that she would play a role in her baby’s life.

When our daughter’s birth mom gave birth several weeks later, we hurriedly packed the car, and drove the 8 ½ hours, though the mountains, in the middle of the night. We were excited, still in shock, and terrified all at the same time! We couldn’t believe we might actually be parents soon. We arrived a few hours after the birth, and then had to wait the three days until she could legally be placed with us. I, in particular, was so worried about another broken match. I could see our baby’s birth mom’s sadness and we hurt for her. But, we continued guarding our hearts, and just couldn’t let ourselves get emotional until the baby was actually placed with us. When it happened on day three, it was a mix of emotions, as we couldn’t fathom everything our daughter’s birth mother was going through. But we were also so grateful and honored that she chose us to be her daughter’s mommy and daddy forever.

It has been a much longer journey than we expected to begin our family. However, as painful as parts have been, we don’t believe it was wasted time. God grew us both over the years. We learned to persevere, and that with God’s presence, we could handle more than we thought possible. We also were forced to trust God, and give up the illusion of control. We have struggled with fear along this journey, and we believe God purposefully allowed us to be in situations where we had absolutely no control, so that we would learn to trust Him. Finally, we experienced, up close, God’s comfort and kindness for us. Not just when we finally became parents, but in the eight years before. He consistently put friends in our lives who prayed for us, checked in our how we were doing after setbacks, encouraged us to continue, and did thoughtful things, like bringing me sunflowers on Mother’s Day. It made us realize, like never before, that God sees us in our suffering. Every tear we shed in our desire for a child, God was right there, loving us, and wanting us to turn to Him. Though this timeline is not what we would have thought we wanted, we are so grateful that God loved us enough to do what’s best for us. We would encourage anyone who is pursuing adoption to persevere in hope, trust Him in painful and uncertain moments, and seek His heart and will for you. If you do these things, you and your story will be in His hands, and there is no better place to be.

Adoption Story: Cody + Bristi

September 13, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Adoption

I remember the very first time I spoke with Bristi on the phone. She was kind, funny, friendly, and so open about their life and how they came to the adoption process. We instantly bonded over the fact that both of our husband’s were in the ministry! Cody and Bristi were chosen by their son’s birth mother 6 months after their home study was completed. They brought their son, Cainan, home with them a few months later. It was such a joy and an honor to walk with them through the adoption process. Bristi has shared their adoption story with such honesty and vulnerability. I know you will be encouraged as you read her words below.

Before my husband and I ever talked about marriage we talked about how we wanted to adopt one day. I (Bristi) have wanted to adopt for as long as I can remember. After having 3 biological children, we felt that God was encouraging us to start the adoption process. We had absolutely no idea where to start. God placed a couple of families in our church that had used Christian Adoption Consultants, so we decided to look into that. After we applied we got a phone call from Kelly Todd. We honestly had no clue what we were doing and Kelly was so patient and able to answer all of our questions and help guide us through the process. We used CAC for all of our paperwork and to create our profile book, which was a huge help! Any questions we had when it came to whether or not to present to a situation were answered and we never felt like we needed to doubt the advice that was given us. Kelly made it feel like we were talking to a close friend who had been through this before and knew the ins and outs of it all.

We went active in April and had high hopes of being matched quickly. After the first “no” we started to doubt that any expectant mom would choose us because we already had 3 biological children. Satan likes to use any seed of doubt he can. We presented to three or four situations and all of them were “no’s” and we started to doubt that God had even called us to adopt. We received a situation over a holiday weekend while we were out of town. When we saw it, we both immediately wanted to present. That next week we got a phone call from the agency and I answered my phone, expecting a no, but instead were told she had chosen us! I was speechless and couldn’t hold the tears back. I called my husband who was at work and we both sat on the phone in silent shock. Although the wait wasn’t easy, we knew that God’s timing was perfect. After the shock wore off we remember being nervous and excited all at the same time! We got the opportunity to Skype with our son’s birth mom a few times before heading down to meet them in December for his birth.

The waiting period leading up to December was not easy and had plenty of emotions to go with it, but it was nothing compared to the birth of our son. There were so many ups and downs. I was honored to be in the delivery room with our son’s birth mom for the c-section. I will always keep those moments etched into my mind as they are very sacred and special. Seeing our son’s birth mother make one of the most difficult decisions of her life was heart wrenching.

During this time we wanted to make sure she knew how amazing and strong she was regardless of what she decided, as we knew he wasn’t our son until consents were signed. That time of waiting was more difficult than we anticipated. Our case worker at the agency was great at helping us to know when to be with our son’s birth mom and when to let her have her time. We were able to have our own room in the hospital, which was such a sweet blessing.

The day she was supposed to sign was such a difficult day. We knew it was going to be extremely hard for her. Kelly was so sweet to be on standby to pray. We were a nervous wreck. Knowing that the sweet baby boy that we had grown to love more than anything in the last two days could potentially not be ours was almost more than we could handle, but at the same time we couldn’t even imagine all of the heavy emotions she was going through. But then we got the call. We got the call from our case worker saying that she had signed and we could come get our son from the hospital. It was surreal walking back into the hospital after everything that had happened that day, but everyone was so accommodating and compassionate towards us that all of the nervous, anxious feeling we had melted away.

Words fail to express how grateful we are for our son’s birth mother. The love she has shown us has been incredible. We are blown away by her strength and selflessness. We truly love our son’s birth mother and see her as a part of our family. She has given us the sweetest, most wonderful gift we could have ever dreamed of. We have an open adoption and get messages from her around every 3 months. We plan to visit her after the new year. Our son, Cainan, has been such a blessing to our entire family. Our kids love being his big brother and sister! He is so loved!

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A big thank you to CAC and Kelly Todd for walking with us through this journey. If you are considering adoption and don’t know where to start, start with CAC. The guidance you will receive is priceless. The process is overwhelming and can be very stressful at times, but in the end it is more than worth it and with CAC by your side it helps share the load. We would do it all again if God calls us to, and we wouldn’t hesitate to use CAC!

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Thoughts On Adoption From An Adoptee & Birth Mother

September 09, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Adoption Education

I’m so honored to share a guest post from Jori Reid. Jori is a birth mother to an amazing 10 year old girl and they have an open adoption. As an adoptee, she also reunited with her birth mother after 21 years. Jori and her husband have 4 children, including twin girls! She is excited to share her unique perspective on adoption with you! I hope her words will be an encouragement to you, as they have been to me.

Adoption has always been a part of my life. I was born to one mother and then was raised by another. Both are amazing and wonderful in their own right. I was adopted from foster care when I was six months old in the 80’s when open adoption was still pretty non-existent. And so I grew up knowing very little about my biological family.

While in college in 2008, I became a birth mother when I placed my oldest daughter for adoption. It was a title I never thought I would share with my own birth mother. I have learned so much in the last 11 years. Since I am two parts of the adoption triad, I think I have a unique perspective. I would like to share with you 5 things I want you about adoption from the perspective of an adoptee and birth mom.

Adoption begins with loss. To be completely honest, it took me a while to see and feel this one, but it doesn't make it any less true. My birth mother left the hospital 32 years ago with empty arms and a broken heart while I stayed there without her. When I was first adopted my mom said I had a hard time adjusting to my new environment and didn’t smile much. Loss and trauma can present in many different ways and times. As a birth mother, I experienced the loss of my daughter when I got on the plane to fly back home after I relinquished my rights and the adoption became final. Yet, I also feel the loss on many occasions like a holiday or a completely random day. It hurts me to my core knowing I caused the pain my daughter feels or will feel, even though we have an open adoption. As parents it’s important to recognize adoption for all that it is and be able to sit with our children in their trauma and get them further help if needed. Doing research, joining a support group and/or finding a therapist can all make a difference.
Adoption is a choice. After reuniting with my birth mom 10 years ago I was able to hear first hand why she placed me for adoption. It was so healing for me. She chose to place me for adoption so I could have a different life. Not necessarily better just different. I too chose adoption for the same reason. It was the best choice for us at that time in my life. So now 11 years into our adoption journey I am still healing, growing, and learning. I live with my choice every single day and try to make the best of it that I can.
Adoption is about love and so is DNA. Adoption is created with love. The love of a girl/woman. The love of a baby/child. The love surrounding a family. But that’s not all it is. Adoption is family. It is history. It is DNA. It is biology. A child’s DNA matters. Growing up and filling out family history paperwork at any medical office and having to write N/A or unknown was hard. Everytime. I was always curious about my biological family. I had a void where that piece of me was missing. I always wondered if I looked or acted like them. I used to fantasize about my ethnicity and where my ancestors came from. As a birth mom, when my oldest daughter was born I had no information to give her parents about my side of the family at the time. Then, when she was six months old I reunited with my birth mom. It was such an incredible time in my life. To have that void filled and to learn about my history that no one but her could share was amazing. To be clear, just because I found and reunited with parts of my biological family does not mean I love my family or parents any less. They raised me to be who I am. I am equal parts of both of my families and am so grateful for that.
What you say about adoption matters. In society today it’s so very easy to offend someone by saying the wrong thing. But I feel most of the time people have no idea they are offending. So what’s the solution? Educate your on positive adoption language. If you don’t who will? Many times I have heard people say, “ I could never GIVE UP my baby” and and I would just cringe. Then I would politely say, “Did you know the correct term is placed a child and not gave up?” It’s a very simple, kind and direct way to educate. Words do matter and have profound power.
Teach your children about diversity. Transracial adoptions are very common. And it’s very imperative that children are taught families come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

Adoption is a never ending journey. We in the adoption community have a responsibility to the triad. We have a responsibility to adoptees to remind them that they are loved unconditionally. We have a responsibility to help them remember that their voice and story matter. We have a responsibility to birth parents to remind them that they are loved during and after placement. And that this love does not just exist for who they created, but for who they are. Birth mothers deserve the best post placement care we can find and they deserve healing. Lastly, we have a responsibility to adoptive parents. To hear them. To love them. To find and give them the support they need to raise these amazing humans. Because in the end we should all be in this journey together. Supporting each other. Lifting each other up. Adoption will only move forward and progress if we put in the work.

About the writer:

Jori Reid is an adoptee and birth mom in an open adoption to an amazing 10 year old girl. Jori reunited with her birth mom after 21 years. She and her husband have 4 children, including a set of twin girls. She loves sharing her story of adoption, motherhood and her adventures of raising her kids, with the hopes to inspire and uplift others.

Understanding The Adoption Tax Credit

September 04, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Adoption Education

Understanding how the adoption tax credit works can be a bit confusing. After my husband and I brought our twins home, we knew we needed assistance with taxes from someone who had experience in working with families who had adopted. After speaking with a few friends who had worked with Dave Lemaster, owner of Superior Tax Prep, we opted to use his services. We continue to use him every year since and he has been wonderful to work with. With over 11 years of experience, he is very knowledgeable on the adoption tax credit and has always been very quick to answer all of our questions.

I reached out to Dave to see if he would be interested in providing a brief summary of how the adoption tax credit works and he was more than happy to provide us with this helpful information.

When a family adopts they are allowed to claim a tax credit on their income tax return for expenses incurred throughout the adoption process. It is advised that individuals should seek professional tax help when looking to claim the adoption tax credit to ensure it is handled properly. In general adoption expenses are claimed on the tax return in the year the adoption is finalized. But for any domestic adoption and foster care adoption qualifying expenses paid before finalization can only be claimed in the tax year following the year of expenditure (i.e. 2018 adoption expenses could not be claimed until the 2019 filed tax return in early 2020). When the adoption has been finalized any remaining expenses not already claimed can be claimed. For an international adoption expenses cannot be claimed until the year of finalization. If there are expenses in a year after finalization and you still have adoption tax credit left you claim them on the tax return for the year paid.

Items that can be claimed as adoption expenses are adoption fees, agency fees, attorney fees, court costs, travel expenses (including meals and lodging) while away from home, etc. Basically any reasonable adoption expense paid throughout the adoption journey. Families should pay special attention to keep receipts for all adoption related expenses so that when it comes time to file for the adoption tax credit there will be no setbacks and trying to track information down.

There are two kinds of tax credits; non-refundable and refundable. A refundable credit will reduce your income tax owed (i.e. does not reduce self-employment tax) and if there is any left it will refund you the remaining amount of the credit. A non-refundable credit will only reduce your tax owed, but any remaining credit amount will not be refunded. The adoption tax credit is a non-fundable credit up to $14,080 per child for a 2019 finalized adoption. This does not mean that when you finalize you will get the full amount in the year of finalization. Those eligible to claim the adoption tax credit can only benefit in a given year up to the amount of their tax liability. For 2018 look at form 1040, line 11 for tax liability. The benefit is limited because it is a non-refundable credit, which means it cannot exceed over your tax liability for the year. Other credits you’re claiming will impact the claimable amount as well.

The good news is that any amount of the adoption credit not used in the initial year can be carried forward for up to 5 years or until the credit runs out. If after the 5 carry forward years there is still adoption credit remaining it expires. Back in 2010 and 2011 the adoption tax credit was a refundable credit and there are legislators trying to make it refundable again.

Understanding the adoption tax credit is complex, but not impossible! Feel free to reach out to Dave Lemaster with any questions regarding the adoption tax credit or his services.

Superior Tax Prep , Dave Lemaster, Owner
(218)-591-3892 / dave.e.lemaster@gmail.com

Dave and his wife Amy are the proud parents of four children, 3 through adoption (including twin boys & their daughter) and one son biologically. They adopted with the help and support of Christian Adoption Consultants for both their adoption journeys. Dave has a B.S. in Accounting from the University of Wisconsin-Superior and MBA through Liberty University Online. He has been in the accounting/tax field since 2008 and has also operated his own tax business since 2014 where he has gained extensive knowledge about the adoption tax credit which helps to serve adoptive families.

My Cancer + Weaknesses (Part 2)

September 01, 2019 by Kelly Todd in Faith

I used to feel defined by my weaknesses. Never feeling good enough. Always feeling different and less than what I was created to be. Physically my body didn't seem to function like it was designed to and I spent the majority of my elementary through high school years feeling ostracized by these differences. Cancer not only left its marks on my body, but it also left me with medical complications that I dealt with every single day. As an adult I'm not immune those issues now. I still deal with them. But overtime I've become more accustomed to them. Most people aren't even able to tell I deal with any of these residuals, because other than the scars on my body from multiple cancer surgeries I look healthy and normal.

But growing up I couldn't feel anything further from that word-”normal.” In fact, I didn't feel like that was a word that belonged to me. As a young child I remember my bedtime prayers were filled with pleas that God would make me "normal like all the other kids". The differentness I felt was exasperated by too many absences from school. So many that a teacher once asked me how I was going to graduate. And to be honest, I had often wondered that myself. Escorted by my nurse from class multiple times a day to take care of these issues, led to further questioning from peers. And I got really tired of answering those questions. Mainly because their curiosity served as a reminder of just how different I felt.

But one day God did heal me. However, His answer didn't come quite like I expected it would. You see, He healed my mind and freed my heart to be at peace with my circumstances. The medical complications that once left me feeling ostracized, like chains holding me down, I learned to recognize as a gift from God. Because not a day goes by where I'm not physically reminded of my weaknesses and my need for Christ. It was through my weaknesses and medical complications and not in their absence that I began asking questions about Jesus. It was through my weaknesses and cancer and not a part from them that I learned of the Gospel and God's love for me-a love that was so big that He sent His Son to die on the cross for my sins so that I could come to know Him and be found in Him. I wish I could say that my faith in those truths remained strong, but unfortunately they wavered. But God was faithful through and through. God was faithful even when I was faithless.

In high school my doctor informed me that I wouldn’t be able to have children biologically. As if dealing with my medical issues weren't enough to make me feel like less of a woman, there was nothing quite like finding out that kids weren't in the cards for me either. My medical issues compiled with the news of my infertility, sent me down a very dark path. I felt broken, alone, anxious and depressed.

Though I could not identify it at the time, the perceptions and expectations that I had for myself, were being shaped and influenced by society. I was looking to the world to help me make sense of my scars, weaknesses and identity. I was looking in the wrong places. It wasn’t until I moved from seeing my weaknesses as the world does and instead looked to Christ and His word to explore their meaning and purpose that healing and freedom came.

In 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 we learn of Paul’s “thorn in the flesh.” Although we don’t know for certain exactly what his thorn is, we know it was a weakness and an ongoing struggle. We know that Paul cried out to God more than once to take it away and we learn right here in 2 Corinthians that the Lord did not fulfill his request. And instead Jesus replied to Paul with: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Paul went on to say, “Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Even though Satan would long for Paul’s weaknesses to send him down a very dark path, God had another plan in mind. Jon Bloom with Desiring God says, “God’s grace is more clearly seen and more deeply savored in our weaknesses than our strengths. Our fallen natures crave self-glory. We seek the admiration of others. We love the myth of the superhero because we want to be one. So we want our successes and strengths to be known and our failures and weaknesses hidden. And since strong, competent high achievers earn human admiration, we are tempted to believe that they impress God in a similar way. That’s the last thing Paul wants us to believe. Paul knew better than most that it is not human achievements that showcase the grace of God. It is human helplessness.”

We don’t live in Eden anymore. We live on the other side of the fall where weakness, sickness and sin reside. We are imperfect people in need of His grace. To deny this truth is essentially telling Jesus that what He did on the cross was in vain. Our weaknesses and our shortcomings should move us back to the cross, back to the feet of Jesus, and should serve as a reminder to us that we can’t do this alone. We need God.

Because of my medical conditions and past mental health issues I have felt weak. Because of my infertility I have felt broken. Even though I no longer feel defined by those issues like I once did, sometimes those thoughts will resurface momentarily. And I have to remind myself to look up. I have to remind myself of where my Ultimate source of strength resides-God. My weaknesses keep me closer to the heart of my Father and are constantly pointing me back to the cross.

Perhaps you can relate. Maybe you have been viewing your weaknesses through a wordly lens. Perhaps you, like me, can relate to these feelings of “never measuring up” or “I’ll never be good enough" because you feel like you are drowning in and defined by your weaknesses. But this desire to “measure up” is a very worldly concept. We'll never measure up. If we were enough than Jesus' death on the cross would be in vain and grace would have no purpose in our life. When you have thoughts like, "I'll never be enough" look up. Fix your eyes on Christ. Let those thoughts lead you to the Gospel, to the cross, to His grace that was poured out on your behalf because God knew that apart from Christ you could never measure up. God doesn't need us to have it all together. What God desires from us is to recognize that we don't and look to Christ- the author and perfector of our faith. And as we come to Him in our weakness, He is faithful to complete the work He began in us, sanctifying our hearts and our minds into more of His likeness.

My Cancer + Weaknesses (Part 1)